For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column most of my adult life, but I don't ever remember seeing any letters from people who are just afraid of life.
The world today is such a scary place. I have a small child who will have to grow up in this world, and sometimes the thought terrifies me. I hear about school shootings, dangerous gangs, religious leaders who are sex offenders, and I recently watched a report of six teenage girls beating another and videotaping it to post online.
How can parents feel safe raising our kids in a world this crazy and scary? I am trying to look for the positive in life, but, honestly, it gets harder and harder. -- MISSING THE OLD DAYS IN ARIZONA CITY
DEAR MISSING THE OLD DAYS: I agree, bad things do sometimes happen to good people. However, you can't live your life as though the Hammer of Thor is about to strike you down, and if you maintain your fearful attitude, you could pass it along to your child.
While I can't guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to you or anyone else, please allow me to remind you that the news media earn their income from magnifying the tragic, the scary and anything that deviates from the norm -- whether it be a murder, a car wreck or a five-legged cow.
The time has come for you to turn off your television set, tune out talk radio, and take your child to a park, a playground, a zoo or any family outing. It's a sure way to detoxify yourself from the negativity that has poisoned your outlook. Do it for two weeks, and I can almost guarantee you'll feel better than you do today.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I eat at a self-serve restaurant several times a week. We have gotten to know the owners, the employees and several other regulars we enjoy visiting with. We also enjoy having time alone to sit and chat by ourselves.
A cousin of my husband's has discovered that we frequent this restaurant every Saturday night. He shows up and sits right down at our table, even if we are with other people. We want to let him know this can't continue, but we don't want to be rude -- although we feel he is being rude to us. How can we put an end to this? -- INVADED IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR INVADED: I have two suggestions. The first is to summon the courage to tell this cousin that you go to that restaurant to relax, be alone together, and sometimes visit privately with people you have met there -- and that his sitting down without being invited is making you uncomfortable.
The second is to choose some other restaurants to visit on alternate Saturday nights, so you won't be sitting ducks whenever your husband's cousin is in the mood for company.
DEAR ABBY: Two friends of mine are being married. Their wedding will be a potluck. I have never heard of such a thing, and I'm wondering if this means I shouldn't bring a gift.
On top of bringing food, they have also assigned people to various tasks, such as setting up the hall, doing dishes, serving the cake and such. What does a wedding guest do in a situation like this? -- NOT SURE IF I DO
DEAR NOT SURE: It appears this affair is one in which an unusual amount of effort is expected of the "guests." Unless you are prepared to participate fully -- and that includes giving them a small wedding gift -- stay home and watch a rerun of "Father of the Bride."
Grandma's Term of Endearment Is Not Appropriate for Toddler
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law -- I'll call her "Irene" -- refers to our 3-year-old daughter, "Amber," as "sexy." When she buys clothing for Amber, she will say, "This is sexy." When Amber was younger and would pull up her dress in play, Irene would say, "Are you trying to be sexy?" Luckily, when it has happened, Amber either didn't hear or remember her comments.
I'm afraid if we don't put a stop to it, Irene will continue saying these things. Maybe she thinks it's cute, but I would like to keep my little girl innocent as long as I can. My husband agrees with me, but he's afraid of offending his mother. Why would a grandmother call her young granddaughter "sexy"? Please advise. -- AMBER'S MOMMY IN CLEVELAND
DEAR MOMMY: Your mother-in-law may have a limited vocabulary, or she may be projecting her adult feelings onto Amber -- not realizing that children her granddaughter's age do not experience sexual feelings the way adults do.
Whatever Irene's reasoning, I agree that her comments are inappropriate, and she should be told to cut them out. With marketing, advertising and media the way they are today, your little girl will be bombarded with promotional messages in which sex is a sales tool before she hits kindergarten. She doesn't need to be sexually objectified by her grandmother, too.
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated in Colorado" (March 1) complained about people attempting to send faxes on her phone line. She should be thankful for a stable, busy job in a thriving business.
Most fax machines today scan documents into memory and put them into an automated "queue" -- the same one that usually tries to transmit three times. I handle it by simply hitting the "transfer" button on my phone, so the call is routed to my fax line. Then I move on to other tasks. If you pass this on to her, it will relieve her frustration.
Tell her I said to "smile, have a nice day, and remember the words of Sgt. Joe Friday: 'It's just the fax, ma'am.'" -- LARRY FROM MARLTON, N.J.
DEAR LARRY: Thank you for the technical advice.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl. My boyfriend and I are planning for a future together. We are seriously discussing marriage.
My problem is, when I was 14, my older brother molested me. I eventually found the courage to tell my parents. They confronted him, he apologized, and we all got on with our lives. We haven't spoken about it since.
Should I tell my boyfriend about this? It has affected my life. I have trouble trusting people, and I feel this is something he needs to know. However, my brother and I get along well now. I don't want my boyfriend wanting to hurt my brother every time we have a family function. What should I do? -- TROUBLED IN AUSTRALIA
DEAR TROUBLED: Although your brother has apologized and the subject hasn't been spoken about since, it has affected the way you perceive others. And the behavior your brother displayed when he molested you shows that -- at least at that time in his life -- he had a lack of empathy for the feelings of others, namely you.
You could benefit greatly by discussing what happened with a counselor who has expertise in sexual assault, and frankly, so could your brother. However, I see no reason to discuss what happened with your boyfriend until you become formally engaged, particularly because he might react in a volatile manner.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Humor Is Disabled Woman's Defense Against Rude Remarks
DEAR ABBY: May I offer a response to the letter from "Petite's Mom in Salem, Va." (Feb. 25), whose daughter "Claire" is the target of rude comments due to her size?
I was born disabled and walk with a limp. All my life, people have demanded the most outrageous information, including the standard, "What's wrong with you?" or, "Do you take medicine for that?" And my favorite, "But ... can you have sex?"
I have found the best defense against rudeness is a sense of humor and compassion. Many people say things without intending to insult, and sometimes they speak before they have a chance to think.
When someone asks me a rude question, I'm likely to respond with one of your gems: "Why do you ask?" -- LINDA IN MATHEWS, VA.
DEAR LINDA: Thank you for the reminder that a softer retort can be as effective as one that's confrontational. Many readers "weighed" in with similar experiences and suggestions for Claire. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Petite's Mom" was resonant of many years of my life. I grew up in the '30s and '40s. I have never weighed more than 110 pounds and, at 5 feet 4 inches tall, have endured similar questions and comments my entire life. Example from a stranger: "You're the skinniest person I have ever seen!"
It used to make me feel inferior. How things have changed. Recently, as I was leaving a restaurant, I overheard a woman say, "I would kill to be that size!" How sweet it is. -- GLAD I LIVED TO SEE THE DAY, ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I told a very small kindergartener, "You sure are small to be in kindergarten." She must have heard it many times before, because she replied, "My mommy says it's not how big you are; it's how much you KNOW." From the mouths of babes. It taught me a lesson, and I have never commented again about a person's size. -- MIMI IN MAUD, OKLA.
DEAR ABBY: I agree it's inappropriate to comment to people about their physical appearance. However, I think you missed the mark in your reply.
People who comment to Claire about her weight are rude, but an impudent response is also inappropriate because it reinforces rude behavior. She could consider saying, "I appreciate your concern for my health, but I have discussed my weight with my doctor, who assures me that I'm a healthy, petite person." This will allow her to give a direct response while showing she can handle herself with dignity.
She should treat others with respect even when it appears that the respect is not mutual, and demonstrate that good things come in small packages! -- DENISE IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I married a 5-foot-2, 103-pound woman 52 years ago. She's as healthy as a horse, although she has since put on a few pounds -- she now weighs a whopping 105.
My wife has been in the hospital four times in her life. Three of those were for childbirth. She is two months shy of 80, and still has a figure most women would be proud of at 30. Call me prejudiced, but she is the perfect size for me. -- WILLIAM IN RIO HONDO, TEXAS
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)