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Grandma's Term of Endearment Is Not Appropriate for Toddler
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law -- I'll call her "Irene" -- refers to our 3-year-old daughter, "Amber," as "sexy." When she buys clothing for Amber, she will say, "This is sexy." When Amber was younger and would pull up her dress in play, Irene would say, "Are you trying to be sexy?" Luckily, when it has happened, Amber either didn't hear or remember her comments.
I'm afraid if we don't put a stop to it, Irene will continue saying these things. Maybe she thinks it's cute, but I would like to keep my little girl innocent as long as I can. My husband agrees with me, but he's afraid of offending his mother. Why would a grandmother call her young granddaughter "sexy"? Please advise. -- AMBER'S MOMMY IN CLEVELAND
DEAR MOMMY: Your mother-in-law may have a limited vocabulary, or she may be projecting her adult feelings onto Amber -- not realizing that children her granddaughter's age do not experience sexual feelings the way adults do.
Whatever Irene's reasoning, I agree that her comments are inappropriate, and she should be told to cut them out. With marketing, advertising and media the way they are today, your little girl will be bombarded with promotional messages in which sex is a sales tool before she hits kindergarten. She doesn't need to be sexually objectified by her grandmother, too.
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated in Colorado" (March 1) complained about people attempting to send faxes on her phone line. She should be thankful for a stable, busy job in a thriving business.
Most fax machines today scan documents into memory and put them into an automated "queue" -- the same one that usually tries to transmit three times. I handle it by simply hitting the "transfer" button on my phone, so the call is routed to my fax line. Then I move on to other tasks. If you pass this on to her, it will relieve her frustration.
Tell her I said to "smile, have a nice day, and remember the words of Sgt. Joe Friday: 'It's just the fax, ma'am.'" -- LARRY FROM MARLTON, N.J.
DEAR LARRY: Thank you for the technical advice.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl. My boyfriend and I are planning for a future together. We are seriously discussing marriage.
My problem is, when I was 14, my older brother molested me. I eventually found the courage to tell my parents. They confronted him, he apologized, and we all got on with our lives. We haven't spoken about it since.
Should I tell my boyfriend about this? It has affected my life. I have trouble trusting people, and I feel this is something he needs to know. However, my brother and I get along well now. I don't want my boyfriend wanting to hurt my brother every time we have a family function. What should I do? -- TROUBLED IN AUSTRALIA
DEAR TROUBLED: Although your brother has apologized and the subject hasn't been spoken about since, it has affected the way you perceive others. And the behavior your brother displayed when he molested you shows that -- at least at that time in his life -- he had a lack of empathy for the feelings of others, namely you.
You could benefit greatly by discussing what happened with a counselor who has expertise in sexual assault, and frankly, so could your brother. However, I see no reason to discuss what happened with your boyfriend until you become formally engaged, particularly because he might react in a volatile manner.
Humor Is Disabled Woman's Defense Against Rude Remarks
DEAR ABBY: May I offer a response to the letter from "Petite's Mom in Salem, Va." (Feb. 25), whose daughter "Claire" is the target of rude comments due to her size?
I was born disabled and walk with a limp. All my life, people have demanded the most outrageous information, including the standard, "What's wrong with you?" or, "Do you take medicine for that?" And my favorite, "But ... can you have sex?"
I have found the best defense against rudeness is a sense of humor and compassion. Many people say things without intending to insult, and sometimes they speak before they have a chance to think.
When someone asks me a rude question, I'm likely to respond with one of your gems: "Why do you ask?" -- LINDA IN MATHEWS, VA.
DEAR LINDA: Thank you for the reminder that a softer retort can be as effective as one that's confrontational. Many readers "weighed" in with similar experiences and suggestions for Claire. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Petite's Mom" was resonant of many years of my life. I grew up in the '30s and '40s. I have never weighed more than 110 pounds and, at 5 feet 4 inches tall, have endured similar questions and comments my entire life. Example from a stranger: "You're the skinniest person I have ever seen!"
It used to make me feel inferior. How things have changed. Recently, as I was leaving a restaurant, I overheard a woman say, "I would kill to be that size!" How sweet it is. -- GLAD I LIVED TO SEE THE DAY, ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I told a very small kindergartener, "You sure are small to be in kindergarten." She must have heard it many times before, because she replied, "My mommy says it's not how big you are; it's how much you KNOW." From the mouths of babes. It taught me a lesson, and I have never commented again about a person's size. -- MIMI IN MAUD, OKLA.
DEAR ABBY: I agree it's inappropriate to comment to people about their physical appearance. However, I think you missed the mark in your reply.
People who comment to Claire about her weight are rude, but an impudent response is also inappropriate because it reinforces rude behavior. She could consider saying, "I appreciate your concern for my health, but I have discussed my weight with my doctor, who assures me that I'm a healthy, petite person." This will allow her to give a direct response while showing she can handle herself with dignity.
She should treat others with respect even when it appears that the respect is not mutual, and demonstrate that good things come in small packages! -- DENISE IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I married a 5-foot-2, 103-pound woman 52 years ago. She's as healthy as a horse, although she has since put on a few pounds -- she now weighs a whopping 105.
My wife has been in the hospital four times in her life. Three of those were for childbirth. She is two months shy of 80, and still has a figure most women would be proud of at 30. Call me prejudiced, but she is the perfect size for me. -- WILLIAM IN RIO HONDO, TEXAS
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COUPLE GETS SILENT TREATMENT FOR OPTING OUT OF FAMILY PLOT
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been informed that a family headstone has been purchased, and our share is $2,000 -- each. This was never discussed among the family members. The cemetery is located out of state. My husband is in the military, and we had planned to use the military cemetery where we live for a small fee. We think the family was rude and presumptuous planning for our deaths.
Because we declined, the family no longer speaks to us, which breaks our hearts. I am sure it is a tactic to wear us down.
We have received an e-mail telling us we are no longer welcome to attend the family reunion this summer unless we fork over the $4,000 and agree to have our names placed on the headstone. Your opinion, please, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT DEAD AND BURIED YET
DEAR NOT D AND B: If you were truly considered "part of the family," you would have been part of the discussion and planning for that headstone. The silent treatment your family is giving you is emotional blackmail. Do not give in. Sad as it may be, recognize that you were already "excommunicated" when you were excluded from the planning and the purchase of the plot, not because you refused their demand.
DEAR ABBY: I have started dating a man, "Karl," who is wonderful. We have similar values and enjoy doing the same things. After talking over lunches and dinners, I decided to do some Internet digging, and have learned that Karl is nine years younger than I am.
My friend and I are both in our 60s -- Karl is at the beginning, I'm at the end. I dwell on the age difference all the time and have started refusing his dinner invitations. Am I making too much out of this? Or should I go with the flow and see what happens?
My mom always told me she liked the saying, "I would rather be an old man's sweetheart than a young man's old lady." I have always agreed with her. -- YOUNG AT HEART
DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: For heaven's sake, go with the flow. As my mother used to say, "The most important ingredient in a lasting marriage is a husband who lasts." Demographically, men die younger than women do. You and Karl are, to put it mildly, well into adulthood. You share similar values and common interests. To reject him because he is nine years younger is crazy. Discuss it with him. You might be pleased to learn that he would enjoy being your "boy-toy."
DEAR ABBY: I'm a college senior (female) who spends a lot of time with my professors. This includes extracurricular functions and receptions.
I have always addressed them as "professor." But lately, they have been signing e-mails (personal ones) with their first names. Does this mean they want me to call them by their first names? Or should I just continue addressing them as "professor"? -- COLLEGE SENIOR IN N.C.
DEAR COLLEGE SENIOR: Until you graduate, continue to address them using their titles. After that, ask them what they would like you to call them. But for now, using the titles they have earned shows respect.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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