What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Humor Is Disabled Woman's Defense Against Rude Remarks
DEAR ABBY: May I offer a response to the letter from "Petite's Mom in Salem, Va." (Feb. 25), whose daughter "Claire" is the target of rude comments due to her size?
I was born disabled and walk with a limp. All my life, people have demanded the most outrageous information, including the standard, "What's wrong with you?" or, "Do you take medicine for that?" And my favorite, "But ... can you have sex?"
I have found the best defense against rudeness is a sense of humor and compassion. Many people say things without intending to insult, and sometimes they speak before they have a chance to think.
When someone asks me a rude question, I'm likely to respond with one of your gems: "Why do you ask?" -- LINDA IN MATHEWS, VA.
DEAR LINDA: Thank you for the reminder that a softer retort can be as effective as one that's confrontational. Many readers "weighed" in with similar experiences and suggestions for Claire. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Petite's Mom" was resonant of many years of my life. I grew up in the '30s and '40s. I have never weighed more than 110 pounds and, at 5 feet 4 inches tall, have endured similar questions and comments my entire life. Example from a stranger: "You're the skinniest person I have ever seen!"
It used to make me feel inferior. How things have changed. Recently, as I was leaving a restaurant, I overheard a woman say, "I would kill to be that size!" How sweet it is. -- GLAD I LIVED TO SEE THE DAY, ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I told a very small kindergartener, "You sure are small to be in kindergarten." She must have heard it many times before, because she replied, "My mommy says it's not how big you are; it's how much you KNOW." From the mouths of babes. It taught me a lesson, and I have never commented again about a person's size. -- MIMI IN MAUD, OKLA.
DEAR ABBY: I agree it's inappropriate to comment to people about their physical appearance. However, I think you missed the mark in your reply.
People who comment to Claire about her weight are rude, but an impudent response is also inappropriate because it reinforces rude behavior. She could consider saying, "I appreciate your concern for my health, but I have discussed my weight with my doctor, who assures me that I'm a healthy, petite person." This will allow her to give a direct response while showing she can handle herself with dignity.
She should treat others with respect even when it appears that the respect is not mutual, and demonstrate that good things come in small packages! -- DENISE IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I married a 5-foot-2, 103-pound woman 52 years ago. She's as healthy as a horse, although she has since put on a few pounds -- she now weighs a whopping 105.
My wife has been in the hospital four times in her life. Three of those were for childbirth. She is two months shy of 80, and still has a figure most women would be proud of at 30. Call me prejudiced, but she is the perfect size for me. -- WILLIAM IN RIO HONDO, TEXAS
COUPLE GETS SILENT TREATMENT FOR OPTING OUT OF FAMILY PLOT
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been informed that a family headstone has been purchased, and our share is $2,000 -- each. This was never discussed among the family members. The cemetery is located out of state. My husband is in the military, and we had planned to use the military cemetery where we live for a small fee. We think the family was rude and presumptuous planning for our deaths.
Because we declined, the family no longer speaks to us, which breaks our hearts. I am sure it is a tactic to wear us down.
We have received an e-mail telling us we are no longer welcome to attend the family reunion this summer unless we fork over the $4,000 and agree to have our names placed on the headstone. Your opinion, please, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT DEAD AND BURIED YET
DEAR NOT D AND B: If you were truly considered "part of the family," you would have been part of the discussion and planning for that headstone. The silent treatment your family is giving you is emotional blackmail. Do not give in. Sad as it may be, recognize that you were already "excommunicated" when you were excluded from the planning and the purchase of the plot, not because you refused their demand.
DEAR ABBY: I have started dating a man, "Karl," who is wonderful. We have similar values and enjoy doing the same things. After talking over lunches and dinners, I decided to do some Internet digging, and have learned that Karl is nine years younger than I am.
My friend and I are both in our 60s -- Karl is at the beginning, I'm at the end. I dwell on the age difference all the time and have started refusing his dinner invitations. Am I making too much out of this? Or should I go with the flow and see what happens?
My mom always told me she liked the saying, "I would rather be an old man's sweetheart than a young man's old lady." I have always agreed with her. -- YOUNG AT HEART
DEAR YOUNG AT HEART: For heaven's sake, go with the flow. As my mother used to say, "The most important ingredient in a lasting marriage is a husband who lasts." Demographically, men die younger than women do. You and Karl are, to put it mildly, well into adulthood. You share similar values and common interests. To reject him because he is nine years younger is crazy. Discuss it with him. You might be pleased to learn that he would enjoy being your "boy-toy."
DEAR ABBY: I'm a college senior (female) who spends a lot of time with my professors. This includes extracurricular functions and receptions.
I have always addressed them as "professor." But lately, they have been signing e-mails (personal ones) with their first names. Does this mean they want me to call them by their first names? Or should I just continue addressing them as "professor"? -- COLLEGE SENIOR IN N.C.
DEAR COLLEGE SENIOR: Until you graduate, continue to address them using their titles. After that, ask them what they would like you to call them. But for now, using the titles they have earned shows respect.
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Teen Not Ready to Propose to Girlfriend Seeking Promise
DEAR ABBY: For the last three years I have been dating this girl, "Annie," whom I love very much. We're both 18, and I am starting college in the fall and plan to go into the military.
My problem is that Annie is already talking about marriage and kids. I am now hearing from some of her friends that she's disappointed I haven't given her a promise ring yet. I'm not against giving her one, but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared for the next step.
I don't want Annie to think I don't care for her, because I do. She is perfect. I just need some advice from someone outside the family. What do you think I should do? -- UNDECIDED
DEAR UNDECIDED: Lay your cards on the table with Annie. Tell her that, although you think she is "perfect," you're not ready to propose -- or even promise that you will. You are about to enter college, but you did not mention what her plans are.
Allow me to offer more advice. You and Annie have been involved since your sophomore year of high school. You would both be better served to continue your education, date others for a while, and grow as individuals before making any lifetime commitments.
DEAR ABBY: I have gone to a family-owned hair salon for more than 10 years. I love my stylist, "Suzie," and the other employees. The salon has a comfortable and welcoming atmosphere. However, I think that Suzie, who is one of the owners, has become "too" comfortable.
She's constantly on the phone during my appointments. I wouldn't mind if Suzie picked up the phone when the receptionist was busy, but most of the calls are from family members involved in some sort of drama or crisis. During a single appointment there are often multiple calls, some extremely long.
It seems like styling has become Suzie's "side" job, which is interfering with her "emergency counseling" practice. I feel I'm paying a lot of money for very little attention. Is this how salons are run today? Am I wrong to expect her undivided attention? How can I express my dissatisfaction without ruining our relationship? -- MIFFED IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MIFFED: Hairdressing is a business, and the behavior you have described is unprofessional. Hairdressing involves far more than twisting and trimming tresses. It also involves concentration, and you are being shortchanged in that department.
You do not have to be rude in asserting yourself, just firm. Tell Suzie that you expect more of her attention than she has been devoting to you, or nothing will change. You'll actually be doing her a favor. Her inattention to her business could lose her clients in droves, because I'm sure you're not the only person she's treating this way.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary soon. We do not want a party or gifts. However, I would like to send out an announcement with a recent family photo commemorating the occasion. In other words, I'd like to share my entire family with friends who haven't seen my grandchildren. Is this proper? -- MR. AND MRS. P. IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR MR. AND MRS. P: To send an announcement and photo before the event could seem like a solicitation. However, if you do it after your anniversary -- with a short note explaining that you thought they might enjoy seeing all three generations -- I see nothing improper about it.
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