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Woman Who's Afraid to Drive Hits the Brakes on Engagement
DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with "Wade" the night I met him. We almost got married, but he couldn't get past my fear of driving. As a child, I witnessed an accident. It was horrific and left me emotionally scarred. If I try to drive in traffic I freeze up and get flashbacks. I have tried for years to put this behind me.
After three years, Wade finally issued an ultimatum. Unless I drove, he would not buy me an engagement ring. He said my inability to drive would create too great a hardship for us.
Abby, I wanted desperately to get past my fear, but couldn't -- not even for love. I love Wade dearly, but not enough to endanger other people's lives. I ended the relationship and told him I hoped he'd find a pretty driver. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I miss him every day. Did I do the right thing? -- HEARTBROKEN IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You may have acted hastily. There are mental health professionals who specialize in helping people with post-traumatic-stress problems, and you appear to fall into that category. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to see if your childhood trauma can be overcome. Then, if you're successful, call Wade and invite him out for a "spin" -- preferably to the nearest jeweler. If you make one more attempt to get past this, at least you'll know you left no stone unturned.
DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with our second child and recently learned that my husband of six years, "Kyle," has gambled away almost our entire savings. Kyle says he did it because he was drunk, and he only gets the urge to gamble when he drinks. He promised he will never do it again.
I wish I could believe him, but this isn't the first time Kyle has gambled and lost large sums of money. I don't know what to do. Should I leave him, or stay and try to help him? I have no idea how to help, but I can't continue to live this way, wondering if and when he's going to do it again. Please help me. -- PREGNANT AND WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: Your husband may have promised he won't gamble again, but promises are not enough. Because married couples can be held accountable for their spouse's debts, you must take control. It is possible to "help" only those individuals who are willing to help themselves. If your husband must seek help for his gambling you may have to separate your finances from his.
A group that can offer you some much-needed support is Gam-Anon Family Groups. This is a 12-step fellowship for husbands, wives, relatives and friends of compulsive gamblers -- people who have been affected by their loved ones' problem. Contact it at www.gam-anon.org, or by calling (718) 352-1671.
Your husband should also contact Gamblers Anonymous, P.O. Box 17173, Los Angeles, CA 90017, or call (213) 386-8789. Its Web site is www.gamblersanonymous.org.
The American Psychiatric Association identified pathological gambling as a psychiatric disorder in 1980. Some doctors specialize in the illness. The National Council on Problem Gambling, a nonprofit organization, refers gamblers to qualified mental health professionals who are trained to work with gamblers and their families. The toll-free phone number is (800) 522-4700.
Wife in Mixed Marriage Feels Wrath of Husband's Family
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vincent," and I have been together for 10 years. We have two beautiful children, a good marriage and a close bond with my family.
Vincent's family disowned him when he married me because of my race, and he's now starting to feel the full emotional impact. He is angry and disappointed with his family, but I know he misses them terribly. I have been called every name in the book by his mother, ignored by his siblings and brought to tears by his father's hateful words. I refuse to expose our children to that kind of treatment, so I have not pushed Vincent to contact his family, even though I feel he should try.
Abby, his family grew up hating minorities, and I doubt they have changed since we last spoke. What can I do to help my husband though this without exposing myself and the children to their ignorance and bigotry? I know our kids will face this issue sometime, but it shouldn't come from family. -- UNACKNOWLEDGED IN ARIZONA
DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: I agree that it shouldn't come from family. So just listen when your husband vents, because his anger and disappointment are justified. Do not push him to contact his family. They are so vested in their bias that it's unlikely they will change.
Vincent made his choice 10 years ago, and he chose you. And that is why, rather than dwelling on the past, he should focus his energies on creating a successful and fulfilling future with you, his beautiful children and the family who has embraced him.
DEAR ABBY: My wife has a terminal illness, and we have begun the unpleasant task of making final arrangements. Our children are all in their teens.
Our youngest, "Mitch," is 15 and does not want to attend his mother's funeral. He says he would rather remember her as she is now instead of in a casket.
I know funerals are good for people because they give a sense of closure, but if Mitch doesn't want to go, I'm not sure I should press the issue. Can you please advise?
-- SAD DAD IN ARIZONA
DEAR SAD DAD: My heart goes out to your family at this difficult time. I'm glad you wrote, because I, too, have reservations about pressuring your son. This is a decision that he will have to arrive at on his own.
However, no law dictates that he would have to see his mother lying in the casket. It is my understanding that private farewells can be made with the casket open or closed. Please explain this to him. Also, when the time comes, he may change his mind and want to see her. It's a very personal decision.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Mara," has a temper. When she gets mad at our mom and stepfather, she goes into our room and slams the door as hard as she can. It has started to damage the door and walls, and they're fed up with it.
Our stepfather told Mara that if she does not stop it, he will take the door off. If it was just her, I would say she deserves it. But, it's my room, too, and it will take away MY privacy. Shouldn't he find some other type of punishment so I won't have to suffer, too? -- NOT MY FAULT IN MAINE
DEAR NOT YOUR FAULT: Yes, in fairness, he should. Surely, with enough ingenuity, your parents can think of a penalty designed "just for her" -- such as revoking her phone privileges, docking her allowance or grounding her -- that won't penalize an innocent bystander. (That's you.)
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Wife Craving Busy Retirement May Have to Find It by Herself
DEAR ABBY: "Mrs. Couch Potato" (Feb. 28) complained that she's finding in retirement that her husband isn't interested in social activities. Please tell her she's not alone.
My husband and I are retired, as are most of the couples around us. It seems the men were so busy working that when they came home, all they wanted to do was to rest and decompress. I have discovered that men are not as social as women.
I'm not sure I agree that "Mister Couch Potato" is depressed, as you suggested. He's probably no different than he has been for the past 30 years. His wife was likely so busy she never noticed.
My suggestion to her would be to continue enjoying her activities. Couples don't have to be together 24/7. Plan an occasional outing with another couple. Invite someone over for dinner. If she waits for her husband to plan something, it won't happen. Check out activities at the local library. Go do some together. Mr. Couch Potato may eventually find something he enjoys. It takes time. -- HAPPY WIFE OF A RETIRED HUSBAND
DEAR HAPPY WIFE: Thank you for your insight. Responses to "Mrs. Couch Potato's" letter were varied on this subject -- an important one because many couples face similar issues after retirement. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a seasoned curmudgeon and have been retired quite awhile. Why is a man considered "anti-social" and in need of counseling because he wants to enjoy his few remaining years by being left alone? That's why they call it "retirement." If a man has been a productive member of society, provided for his family, been there for his children and been a good husband, does he need to have his last little bit of soul sucked dry?
Perhaps it's the wife who should examine her concept of retirement and seek counseling to find out why it's so important her husband adapt to her vision of how things should be. -- SPUD SR. IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 49 years, and my wife and I work out our problems without a counselor. If she would like the two of them to be active, I suggest they join a fraternal organization that offers a slate of social activities and charitable-giving opportunities.
No longer having job-related responsibilities has created a vacuum for the husband that needs to be filled. He probably has skills and interests that an organization could use through volunteer services. Fraternal organizations foster good friendships and good times, and often keep couples focused outside their home environment and for the common good. -- IT WORKED FOR ME IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: As a busy hairdresser who has been dealing with people for years, I have had enough social interaction to last the rest of my life. I savor my alone time and use it to read, go online, watch TV, play with my dogs, do yard work, etc. I love when my adult kids visit, and I love it when they leave.
My husband is busy with hobbies and friends, and sometimes goes by himself to car shows, surfing contests or other events I'm not interested in. We're perfectly compatible and have no issues in our marriage. Our time together is filled with laughter and conversation. At work, I come across as very social, but deep down I'm like Mrs. Couch Potato's husband. She should enjoy her space and activities apart from her husband. Partners who are independent transition easier in widowhood than those who are joined at the hip. -- DIANA IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
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