Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Moment of Silence Honors Those Who Sacrificed for Us
DEAR ABBY: Would you please invite all Americans to stand together, unified in spirit, for 60 seconds of respectful silence during the National Moment of Remembrance at 3 p.m. local time this Memorial Day?
The purpose of this moment is a noble one, to honor America's fallen. The freedoms we take for granted each day are reminders of their ultimate sacrifice and our ongoing debt to them. We mourn our fallen and honor their courageous legacy and the future they bequeathed to us.
The agony of a fallen soldier's mother is as old as war. One such mother is Sallie Stubenhofer. Her son, Mark, was killed by a sniper in Iraq. He left three young children, including a daughter who was born four months after his return to active duty. Mark and his wife named their baby Hope, which signified what he wanted to offer his children and all children.
The Moment of Remembrance and our year-long, lifelong determination to "live honoring America's fallen" are in memory of Army Capt. Mark Stubenhofer and all those brave members of our military who have died in the service of our nation. We invite all Americans to pause in their Memorial Day activities at 3:00 local time to honor those who live in our history, reside in our hearts and rest forever in the arms of God. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: I am pleased to convey your invitation to observe the annual Moment of Remembrance.
Readers, Memorial Day is Monday. I hope you will join me and millions of other Americans at 3 p.m. local time in giving heartfelt acknowledgment of our fallen heroes for the noble sacrifice they have made in the name of freedom.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and have fallen in love with "Brad," a wonderful and very successful businessman. On a recent trip out of town, my co-workers were joking that we were going to elope.
I told Brad about it and how ridiculous it was, since we have been dating only about six months. He replied that we couldn't elope because I haven't signed a pre-nup! I stewed over it for a couple of days and, because I couldn't get it off my mind, brought it up again and asked him if he was serious.
Brad said he was. He said he has worked hard for what he has (which I understand) and mentioned the fact that I have a failed first marriage. I didn't think that was fair. My husband had cheated on me, and we were married only a few months. We talked further, and Brad said if he thought I was with him because of his money, he wouldn't be with me.
I understand his reasons for wanting a pre-nup, but doesn't getting one indicate that we are preparing to fail? I am pretty sure marriage will be in our future, and I'll sign a pre-nup (after my attorney reviews it), but it seems like negative thinking. How can I get my head around this? -- DON'T FEEL TRUSTED IN ALABAMA
DEAR DON'T: One way to "get your head around it" would be to remember that a pre-nuptial agreement carries with it guarantees for BOTH parties. Many couples have them to protect assets accumulated before marriage. Such a document not only protects the man, it can be structured so that YOU have certain guarantees should the marriage not work out.
I strongly recommend that you discuss this with your attorney before you discuss it with Brad again. As with any other legal document, I agree that it should be reviewed with your legal counsel before you sign it.
Perfect Dress for Groom's Mom Fails to Get Bride's Approval
DEAR ABBY: I have recently gotten to know a lovely lady I'll call "Judith," whose son is being married in August. During a recent trip to Florida, Judith mentioned that she was looking for a dress to wear to the wedding and asked where she might find something nice. The next day, the woman she had spoken to arrived with a beautiful gown she had worn only once. The dress is lovely and of excellent quality. It fits and looks perfect on Judith.
After showing the dress to her future daughter-in-law, Judith received an e-mail from the young woman stating that the dress will "clash" with her ivory wedding dress and might look "dirty" next to it. (The dress is a light metallic gold.) She also told Judith that the purse was too gaudy.
Is it the bride's place to tell the mother of the groom what to wear? -- FRIEND OF JUDITH'S
DEAR FRIEND: Tell her? No. But to discuss her concerns with her future mother-in-law would have been acceptable. The bride-to-be's method of conveying her concerns to Judith was unfortunate. They both would have been better served had she picked up the phone and called.
DEAR ABBY: How do you politely and firmly discourage overzealous religious solicitors who go door-to-door? My mother's co-worker and her husband have been coming to our house for some time, but now that Mom has retired, they have increased the frequency of their "visits."
Every time they show up at our door, Mom and I tell them, "No, we're not interested," but they don't seem to understand the meaning of those words. They still keep coming, and when we're not home, they leave literature on our doorstep. It's becoming irritating, and we're losing our patience. This couple has been "visiting" us for at least five years. Any ideas? -- HOUNDED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR HOUNDED: What took you so long to write? The next time they show up, greet them with a smile and tell them, "Thank you, but I have already been saved." Then firmly close the door. If you find "literature" on your doorstep, toss it.
This question has arisen before. Years ago, a helpful reader wrote that a "courteous young man" had ignored the "No Solicitors" sign that was posted. When he offered her some religious literature, she responded, "You may give it to me only if you take some of MY literature for YOU to read," and handed him the Catholic Digest. The young man not only left in a hurry, but didn't accept the literature or leave any of his.
DEAR ABBY: My wife had a wheelbarrow with a steel wheel that had a tendency to sink into the ground when she was pushing a heavy load, making it difficult for her.
I recently won a large sum of money in a lottery, and to show my love and appreciation, I bought her a wheelbarrow with an inflatable rubber tire so it would be easier for her to push a heavy load. My wife has not talked to me since. What did I do wrong? -- BIG WINNER IN THE USA
DEAR BIG WINNER: Congratulations on your good fortune. What you "did" isn't the problem. What you DIDN'T do is what has upset your wife. You didn't ask her what she would LIKE to have. Do it now, and I predict she'll not only start talking, but you'll have trouble getting her to stop.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend Fears Her Love May Fade With Man's Thinning Hair
DEAR ABBY: I am not sure how to handle my boyfriend's hair loss. "Jasper" is 34 and I'm 23. We have been dating for two years and have a wonderful relationship. We are completely open to each other, and because of that, I feel backed into a corner regarding this subject.
Hair loss is such a tricky topic. Women aren't supposed to care, but in reality we do -- unless you're one of those rare women who enjoy bald heads. (I'm not one of them.) Although Jasper's hair loss is barely noticeable now, without some sort of plan it will probably take over in a few years.
Jasper is self-conscious about his thinning hair. I can tell he's worried, but he doesn't want to do anything about it. I care more about Jasper's feelings than his hair, so I haven't let him know how much it bothers me, although he asks me often.
His type of hair loss is treatable. I find him very attractive now, but I don't know how I will feel when he's bald, and I'm sort of cringing inside about it. I feel like a daily ritual would not be too much to ask of someone.
I'm fed up with hearing, "If you love him, let him be" because my attraction to him is an important part of our lives. What should I do? -- TIRED OF SITTING ON MY HANDS
DEAR TIRED: Most women are not so fixated on "what's on top" that they fail to value what's underneath. While some hair loss is treatable with a "daily ritual," some is not. The kind that isn't can be successfully treated with a hair transplant -- if the candidate is eligible, and if it is done by a talented, qualified surgeon.
Whether Jasper is willing to endure the discomfort or the inconvenience is anyone's guess. In fact, he might prefer to find a woman who is less hung up on hair than you. Frankly, I'm betting he wouldn't have to look too "fur."
DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I am a 24-year-old daughter who works with my father in a small company. We weren't close until I reached college age. Since I have been working with him, we have grown much closer.
I love my parents dearly. However, Dad has an addictive personality. He has smoked, drunk and gambled in the past, but overcame these issues. Dad had an alcohol relapse a few years ago. Mama found him drunk. She hid it from my sister and me, but later told me in confidence. She said if he ever did it again, she might leave him.
Our business is having a rough time, and I found a stash of alcohol in Dad's office. I know it can be no one else's. I don't want to ruin his marriage, nor do I want to lie by omission to Mama. Should I confront him, or let it play out and pretend I didn't know?
I'd be devastated if they divorced. My sister is still in school. This is difficult since he's my dad AND my boss. Any direction would be greatly appreciated. -- DAUGHTER WHO KNOWS TOO MUCH
DEAR DAUGHTER: Tell your father you found his stash and urge him to get back into his program immediately. Give him a deadline to do it AND to tell your mother. If he doesn't, then you must. She has a right to know, and if you remain silent, you will only enable your father to continue drinking.
For your own emotional health, please do not allow yourself to be in the middle. I have mentioned Al-Anon so often I'm beginning to feel like an echo chamber. So allow me to mention another group that may be helpful. It's Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, a 12-step program for individuals with whom I guarantee you'll find much in common. Its Web site is www.adultchildren.org.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)