To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Everyday Kindness Is Secret of Marriages Full of Romance
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Kelly in Austin" (March 24), who wondered if there were more than two men who excel at romance.
Abby, my husband has given me a total of four pieces of jewelry throughout our 13-year relationship. However, he has given me many intangibles that mean far more.
I have a best friend I can talk to and trust. I have a lover who cares for me and my needs. I have a husband who believes in and abides by the vows we took on our wedding day. I have a provider who works hard to assure my financial stability, not just for today, but also for the future.
My children have a father who loves them and makes sure they know it through his words and actions. And I have a partner for life who does "romantic" things like changing diapers, rocking babies, washing dishes and holding my hand.
In generations past, men were expected to be strong, gentle and responsible. I thank God that my husband has chosen to be that kind of man. -- BELOVED
DEAR BELOVED: You are a lucky woman who married a real gem. A life partner with attributes like your husband's is a jewel more precious than any stone that nature could create. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 15 years, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him. We have a little piece of paper with I LOVE YOU written on it, and we take turns hiding it somewhere for each other to find. It shows up in my wallet, in the book I'm reading, in the laundry. It never fails to brighten my day, and it costs us not one cent.
He brings me coffee in the morning and a cup of tea at night. He'll surprise me with a candy bar or a cookie when I'm feeling down. Expensive jewelry isn't what makes a romance -- it's my darling taking a moment to let me know he's thinking of me. -- TINA IN CHINCOTEAGUE, VA.
DEAR ABBY: When my fiance and I first got together, he told me that he didn't celebrate Valentine's Day. He claimed that he "did his thing" all year -- and it's true. He leaves cards in my book bag scented with his cologne and sings to me on my voicemail at work on dreary Monday mornings. He writes me poems and buys me spontaneous gifts. No jewelry commercials can compete with a gift from the heart. -- SWEPT OFF MY FEET IN MEMPHIS
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 10 years, and it hasn't been because of diamonds, flowers or trips to bed-and-breakfasts. We're happy because we laugh together, because we like each other, and because he was considerate enough to buy me a hands-free cell phone device to use while driving back and forth between our home and my father's. It's because he knows what scent of candle to buy me from a kid's fundraiser and because he thought I needed a new lunch box for work and got me one.
This is real life. Diamond commercials on the television are not. -- RITA IN DUBOIS, PA.
DEAR ABBY: My parents have been married 45 years, and the most romantic gesture I ever saw took place about 10 years ago. One day, while she was digging in the garden, I saw my dad standing there, hovering over her with a can of wasp spray, ready to blast any potential threat into eternity if it got near Mom. Now that's better than a diamond any day. -- SAM IN PALATINE, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: Is 33 too young for a man to have a midlife crisis? I honestly believe that is what's happening to my husband. We have been married almost 13 years and have three children. Suddenly he wants out. Don't get me wrong, although our marriage has been rocky, I truly believed that we loved each other.
He says he has been unhappy for years, and I'm the only one who didn't see it. He now has a girlfriend and talks about having his body pierced, etc. I spend each day praying he'll return to his senses and come back.
Does the hurt ever go away? One day I'm happy-go-lucky, and the next I spend crying. Am I crazy? Is it possible to love and hate someone all at once? I need a dose of wisdom from someone besides my family and friends. Please help me. I'm trying to hold it together for the children, but it gets harder with each passing day. -- IN TURMOIL IN TENNESSEE
DEAR IN TURMOIL: You and your husband married young. If a midlife crisis can be defined as panic that life has passed a person by and doing something irrational, then that may be what has happened to your husband.
However, from where I sit, it appears that your husband has taken up with a wild-and-free woman, which has caused temporary amnesia. He has "forgotten" to be a responsible father of three and a husband. This is less a mental breakdown than a moral failure.
Considering the way you have been blindsided, I'd say your mood swings are normal. This may seem like small consolation, but with time, your hurt and anger will subside to the point that they are not all-consuming.
Right now, you need the support of friends and family. You also need to begin thinking seriously about how to create a life for yourself should Mr. Pincushion make his absence permanent. If he does eventually come to his senses, it will make you more attractive. If he doesn't, it will make you stronger, more self-reliant, and help to distract you from the pain you're experiencing. You have my sympathy, but please believe me when I tell you that, painful as this may be, it does not have to be the end of the world.
DEAR ABBY: My stepsister, who I have to share my room with when she stays with us, snooped in my drawers when I wasn't there and found my birth control pills. Now she's blackmailing me. She says she will tell my mother if I don't give her money.
Mother would go crazy if she found out I was using the pill. I know she wouldn't let me see my boyfriend anymore, and I couldn't handle that. I never thought I would feel like killing somebody, but that's the way I feel right now. Please tell me what to do. I don't want to give in to blackmail. -- VICTIMIZED IN WYOMING
DEAR VICTIMIZED: Murder isn't an option, and neither is giving in to blackmail. If you give a blackmailer money, the demands will only escalate -- which leaves you with one other choice: Tell your mother before she does.
While the pill may protect you against pregnancy, it does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. And because you are now sexually active, you need to be seen by a gynecologist to be sure you don't have one.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Heart Surgery Fails to Cure Husband's Love for Cigarettes
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband, "Steve," was scheduled for bypass surgery. He told everyone -- all our friends and relatives -- that he planned to stop smoking afterward. It has now been nine months, and as recently as last week Steve and I were discussing his amazing willpower with friends.
Several times over the past few weeks, I had remarked to my husband that his clothes smelled of smoke. He said, "I don't know why they would." I have also told Steve I was concerned because he has developed a deep, productive cough and urged him to see his doctor about it. Last night he became angry with me and told me I am always "borrowing trouble."
This morning I moved his bathrobe and found a pack of cigarettes in the pocket. I'm a retired nurse. I know how dangerous the game he's playing is. It's as if he doesn't care.
Not only do I not want to lose my husband, our finances are very stressed right now. Steve says this is none of my business. How can I make him see what a dangerous game he's playing? Or do I just shut up and start planning his funeral? -- HURT AND DISGUSTED, WOODBURY, TENN.
DEAR HURT AND DISGUSTED: Face it, your husband is addicted to nicotine. You can order printed materials from the Heart Association, the American Lung Association and the American Cancer Society about the dangers of smoking, but unless he is willing to give up tobacco, nothing will get through to him.
By all means start planning his funeral. By starting now you will have a better chance of managing the costs. In addition, talk to your insurance agent about increasing his life insurance, if that's possible. It might also be a good idea to explore part-time employment opportunities, should the need arise.
Believe me, you have my sympathy. If one life-threatening health scare wasn't enough to convince your husband to quit smoking, then nothing will.
DEAR ABBY: Our mother was killed in a car accident two years ago. A woman I'll call "Tiffany" was driving at a high rate of speed and ran a stop sign. To this day, our family has yet to hear one word of regret from her, and we are finding it hard not to hate her.
My mother died a horrible and painful death. Tiffany destroyed many lives with her "mistake," yet she walked away from the wreck physically, mentally and financially untouched. We understand the meaning of the word "accident." We know she didn't mean to kill our mother, but an apology would have been nice. Even after two years of counseling we are still bitter and need to hear Tiffany say she is sorry. Have you any advice for us? -- STILL GRIEVING IN AMARILLO
DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that befell your family. Under the circumstances, your feelings are understandable, and it may take still more counseling for you to work through what happened and achieve acceptance. Please do not think that the driver of that car is insensitive to your pain and grief. It is likely that she has not contacted you because she was strongly advised against it by legal counsel.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)