What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: Is 33 too young for a man to have a midlife crisis? I honestly believe that is what's happening to my husband. We have been married almost 13 years and have three children. Suddenly he wants out. Don't get me wrong, although our marriage has been rocky, I truly believed that we loved each other.
He says he has been unhappy for years, and I'm the only one who didn't see it. He now has a girlfriend and talks about having his body pierced, etc. I spend each day praying he'll return to his senses and come back.
Does the hurt ever go away? One day I'm happy-go-lucky, and the next I spend crying. Am I crazy? Is it possible to love and hate someone all at once? I need a dose of wisdom from someone besides my family and friends. Please help me. I'm trying to hold it together for the children, but it gets harder with each passing day. -- IN TURMOIL IN TENNESSEE
DEAR IN TURMOIL: You and your husband married young. If a midlife crisis can be defined as panic that life has passed a person by and doing something irrational, then that may be what has happened to your husband.
However, from where I sit, it appears that your husband has taken up with a wild-and-free woman, which has caused temporary amnesia. He has "forgotten" to be a responsible father of three and a husband. This is less a mental breakdown than a moral failure.
Considering the way you have been blindsided, I'd say your mood swings are normal. This may seem like small consolation, but with time, your hurt and anger will subside to the point that they are not all-consuming.
Right now, you need the support of friends and family. You also need to begin thinking seriously about how to create a life for yourself should Mr. Pincushion make his absence permanent. If he does eventually come to his senses, it will make you more attractive. If he doesn't, it will make you stronger, more self-reliant, and help to distract you from the pain you're experiencing. You have my sympathy, but please believe me when I tell you that, painful as this may be, it does not have to be the end of the world.
DEAR ABBY: My stepsister, who I have to share my room with when she stays with us, snooped in my drawers when I wasn't there and found my birth control pills. Now she's blackmailing me. She says she will tell my mother if I don't give her money.
Mother would go crazy if she found out I was using the pill. I know she wouldn't let me see my boyfriend anymore, and I couldn't handle that. I never thought I would feel like killing somebody, but that's the way I feel right now. Please tell me what to do. I don't want to give in to blackmail. -- VICTIMIZED IN WYOMING
DEAR VICTIMIZED: Murder isn't an option, and neither is giving in to blackmail. If you give a blackmailer money, the demands will only escalate -- which leaves you with one other choice: Tell your mother before she does.
While the pill may protect you against pregnancy, it does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. And because you are now sexually active, you need to be seen by a gynecologist to be sure you don't have one.
Heart Surgery Fails to Cure Husband's Love for Cigarettes
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband, "Steve," was scheduled for bypass surgery. He told everyone -- all our friends and relatives -- that he planned to stop smoking afterward. It has now been nine months, and as recently as last week Steve and I were discussing his amazing willpower with friends.
Several times over the past few weeks, I had remarked to my husband that his clothes smelled of smoke. He said, "I don't know why they would." I have also told Steve I was concerned because he has developed a deep, productive cough and urged him to see his doctor about it. Last night he became angry with me and told me I am always "borrowing trouble."
This morning I moved his bathrobe and found a pack of cigarettes in the pocket. I'm a retired nurse. I know how dangerous the game he's playing is. It's as if he doesn't care.
Not only do I not want to lose my husband, our finances are very stressed right now. Steve says this is none of my business. How can I make him see what a dangerous game he's playing? Or do I just shut up and start planning his funeral? -- HURT AND DISGUSTED, WOODBURY, TENN.
DEAR HURT AND DISGUSTED: Face it, your husband is addicted to nicotine. You can order printed materials from the Heart Association, the American Lung Association and the American Cancer Society about the dangers of smoking, but unless he is willing to give up tobacco, nothing will get through to him.
By all means start planning his funeral. By starting now you will have a better chance of managing the costs. In addition, talk to your insurance agent about increasing his life insurance, if that's possible. It might also be a good idea to explore part-time employment opportunities, should the need arise.
Believe me, you have my sympathy. If one life-threatening health scare wasn't enough to convince your husband to quit smoking, then nothing will.
DEAR ABBY: Our mother was killed in a car accident two years ago. A woman I'll call "Tiffany" was driving at a high rate of speed and ran a stop sign. To this day, our family has yet to hear one word of regret from her, and we are finding it hard not to hate her.
My mother died a horrible and painful death. Tiffany destroyed many lives with her "mistake," yet she walked away from the wreck physically, mentally and financially untouched. We understand the meaning of the word "accident." We know she didn't mean to kill our mother, but an apology would have been nice. Even after two years of counseling we are still bitter and need to hear Tiffany say she is sorry. Have you any advice for us? -- STILL GRIEVING IN AMARILLO
DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that befell your family. Under the circumstances, your feelings are understandable, and it may take still more counseling for you to work through what happened and achieve acceptance. Please do not think that the driver of that car is insensitive to your pain and grief. It is likely that she has not contacted you because she was strongly advised against it by legal counsel.
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Daughter in Law Is Fit to Be Tied by Manipulative Parents
DEAR ABBY: I have overbearing in-laws who refuse to let their children, all of whom are in their 40s, live their own lives. We are constantly forced to spend time with them by means of manipulation. We have all been under their thumbs for so long that when the opportunity presented itself for our family to start a new life in a different state, we jumped at the chance.
We're now in the process of moving and becoming our own family. We are thrilled with the thought of seeing everyone on our terms, not having to worry about splitting holidays, feeling obligated on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, etc. -- just finally breaking away and gaining our independence.
Here's the kicker: His parents have just told us they are going to purchase a "vacation" home in the state where we are moving! My husband doesn't have the heart to tell them it's not a good idea, so now I'm having second thoughts about going.
I am beside myself. Will it never end? I understand parents loving their children, but isn't there a time when you just let them grow up and have their own lives? I desperately need advice! -- READY TO EXPLODE IN THE ROCKIES
DEAR READY: Yes, it appears you do. Now that you realize that putting geographic distance between you and your in-laws isn't going to solve your problem, you and their son are going to have to learn how to tactfully draw the line and just say no.
I don't know how long you have been married, but the two of you should have set boundaries and declared some independence years ago. Running away from this problem was never the answer. I'm sure your in-laws love you, but developing your own family traditions is neither disrespectful of their feelings nor a personal rejection -- it's healthy. And that's what I recommend you do.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Roger," a wonderful man, for about a year. Our relationship has been stressful at times, but overall we're happy together and in love. My problem is his dog, "Lucky." Lucky is a one-man dog who barely tolerates my presence.
Anytime I hug or kiss Roger in front of Lucky, the dog starts barking and growling. Sometimes Roger puts him outside or locks the door so we can be alone together, but he says doing so makes him feel guilty because Lucky "worships him" and wants to be wherever he is.
Lucky doesn't like me around, and I'm uncomfortable around him. Roger knows it and still insists that the dog be wherever he is, even when it means we can't be "romantic" because of all the barking. He sees nothing wrong with Lucky's behavior. I think it's aberrant. Any ideas? -- DOG'S A DAMPER, BOWIE, MD.
DEAR DOG'S A DAMPER: Yes. I think ROGER'S behavior is aberrant. If he loves you, he should be willing to consult an animal behavior specialist for help in re-educating his dog and curbing his dog's aggression. As it stands, Lucky is a danger to you and anyone else who might enter his territory. Unless Roger is willing to act, you and he not only will have no privacy, you have no future.
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