What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Follow These Basic Rules When Visiting Terminally Ill
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from visiting a close friend in the next town. She was exhausted from caring for her husband, who has terminal cancer -- but even more so from the many visits from loving friends and relatives around the country.
I experienced the same thing a few years ago, so I'm hoping you will help me to inform people of some basic rules for visiting families going through this profoundly trying experience.
-- Don't go for a "vacation," but rather to lend support -- and only if there is no objection.
-- Go healthy. Remember, the patient has no immunity after chemotherapy.
-- Provide your own transportation. Stay in a motel unless the home is large and the hostess has asked you to stay.
-- Keep visits short and positive. Long conversations are exhausting.
-- Provide food, preferably ready-cooked for simplicity, and do the cleanup.
-- Leave the house for periods of time (even a day or two) so the family can resume their medical routine.
-- Change the bed if you stay in the home. Remember, there is no maid service.
-- And last, require nothing of the family. There is nothing left for them to give.
Thank you, Abby, for letting me speak for so many. -- GOT IT OFF MY CHEST
DEAR GOT IT: Well said. I particularly like your recommendations to stay someplace other than the home, to keep visits short so as not to deplete the patient, and not to expect to be entertained in any way. In life-or-death situations, the normal rules of hospitality do not apply, so ask not what your hosts can do for you, but what you can do for them -- and abide by what they tell you.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old high school girl. I'm friendly, cheerful, religious and an honors student. I am also addicted to pornography.
Over the past few years I have been an on-again, off-again addict. I'll look, feel good, feel bad, swear never to do it again, stay clean for a few months and then start again.
A few months ago I told my mother what I was doing, and she agreed to monitor the situation. But I know how to delete my online history, so she doesn't know I'm doing it again.
I'm scared. I'm a virgin and would like to stay that way. But I'm starting to feel apathetic toward my grades, I'm thinking more about sex, I have lost respect for most of the opposite sex, and I'm one step from acting out.
If I tell Mom, I know she'll take away my computer. The best friends I have are online. I'll be isolated if she takes it away. I'm also not sure I want to quit looking. It makes me feel good and keeps me from being stressed, but my religion and the changes in my behavior tell me it's wrong.
I mentioned it to my school counselor once. She said I'm just "expressing my sexuality in my own way." Is she right? Or do I need help? What should I do? -- ADDICTED AND ASHAMED IN IOWA
DEAR ADDICTED: Forgive me for disagreeing with your counselor, but the problem with pornography is the distorted vision it gives viewers of what sex is really about. Addiction, by definition, is being consumed by and unable to stop a behavior. If you think you are alone in this problem, let me assure you that you are not.
Please tell your mother what's going on. You should talk to a licensed professional who has been trained in the treatment of addiction. This does not mean you must give up your computer -- simply moving it to a central location might help. But conquering your problem will take professional help, and I urge you not to wait to ask for it or you will find yourself in even more serious trouble.
Retail Workers Have the Right to Their Own Personal Space
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your reply to "Nicki in Maryland" (March 23), the retail saleswoman who is tired of being not only touched, but physically pulled about by customers.
Everyone has personal space, and this includes service industry employees. A light touch on the arm is one thing; to be pulled or regularly touched on the shoulders and hands is quite another. To suggest that Nicki tolerate such behavior to keep a customer, or find another line of work, is disappointing. Frankly, some customers are not worth keeping, or should be educated that retail workers are human beings who deserve to be respected as such.
Maybe Nicki likes her job. Why should she give it up because of the occasional behavior of the rude and insensitive? Perhaps the job works for her because of personal or school issues. Retail jobs often have the most flexible schedules.
As a former retail employee, I have many fond memories, but I also remember people from all levels of society who believe that we are somehow less than human, temporary slaves to be treated as they see fit, and subjected to all manner of poor behavior without recourse. -- BETH IN HAYWARD, CALIF.
DEAR BETH: You are entitled to disagree. However, I also suggested to "Nicki" that she review the company's policy on touching with her employer, stay out of arm's reach, and look for tasks in the store that involve less contact with customers. While some readers sympathized with her, others agreed with me. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: While I agree that Nicki's situation is one about which the supervisor should be made aware, I believe a firm, straightforward "Please don't touch me" is appropriate. I am a former food server. I contended with the problem on a daily basis. I also don't care to be touched by anyone I do not know. I feel that everyone has the right NOT to be touched. We as human beings need to respect this.
Nicki should, indeed, try to remain out of arm's reach as you suggested. That tends to work, as it makes the other person look foolish if they have to lean to grab you. -- CYNDI IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ABBY: Retail employees have no less right to say "No" to unwanted physical contact than any other human being. Moreover, a corporate culture of respect for employees fosters a healthy work environment, which is far more important to sales than the retention of a single pushy, touchy-feely customer who does not respect employees. Happy workers, confident in the support of their supervisor, sell with smiles on their faces, rather than selling at arm's length in fear. -- CUSTOMER'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps "Nicki" isn't well aware enough of her surroundings. A conscious effort to train herself to be sensitive to who is around her or approaching her could solve her problem. Simply glancing up could give her a clue as to whether the person is coming to ask a question. As a result, there would be less reason for the impolite to reach out and touch her. -- ANDY IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Being touched by customers happens to go with the turf in any meet-the-public job. If Nicki can't accept this basic fact, she should find a job in accounting.
Friendly people make more sales, receive more tips and earn more money. Face it: Friendliness involves a certain amount of physical contact, and it's human nature to reach out to people you like. That's why successful businessmen make a point of shaking hands. -- ALLEN IN GRAND ISLAND, NEB.
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Bride to Be Confesses Her Lack of Kitchen Confidence
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Keith," and I are being married at the end of June. We met at a fraternity party last fall and knew right away we were meant for each other. We're both in college in Hawaii. We don't live together -- and that has been lucky for me because Keith doesn't realize how inexperienced I am in the kitchen.
He comes from the mainland. He is used to home-cooked meals and has often talked about family dinners and how good his mom is at entertaining. The only thing my mom is good at is making reservations. At our house if we didn't eat out, we ate takeout.
I know Keith will expect me to cook after our wedding -- at least sometimes. I have gone to the bookstore at the mall, but all the fancy cookbooks with elaborate recipes overwhelm me. All I want to do is learn to make a few simple dishes. Can you help me out here? -- COOKING IMPAIRED IN HONOLULU
DEAR COOKING IMPAIRED: I'll try. Where is it written that after your wedding, YOU must do all the cooking? These days many couples share that responsibility by taking turns or cooking together. If you raise the subject with your fiance, you may find that Keith not only enjoyed family dinners, but also spent time with his mother in the kitchen while she prepared them.
If that turns out not to be the case, then you and Keith should consider taking a basic cooking course together before -- or shortly after -- the wedding, so you don't starve to death.
Many brides-to-be are given "recipe showers" in which friends and relatives share favorite, easy-to-prepare family favorites to ease them on the path to domesticity. I'm sure if you asked your future mother-in-law, she would be pleased to contribute some of hers.
I publish a collection of more than 100 delicious recipes for soups, salads, main course and desserts. Not only are they time-tested and mouthwatering, they are also easy to prepare. They can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
Summer is nearly here, and with it comes the promise of family reunions and visits. My cookbooklet set contains tips on entertaining, and lots of recipes to use when families get together to celebrate holidays and special occasions. Both my mother and I have used them with great success when entertaining friends and family.
DEAR ABBY: I was standing with a friend when another friend came over to us and said loudly, "You two are really short!" The friend I was standing with walked off offended, while I just stood there looking at the ignorant person and not knowing what to say. Let me explain, this isn't the first time the ignoramus has said this to me. What would you do in this situation? -- SPEECHLESS IN AUBURN, CALIF.
DEAR SPEECHLESS: Frankly, I'd probably say, "Life is short, and so is this conversation. Goodbye!" Then I'd rejoin the friend I had been standing with. I certainly wouldn't prolong the conversation.