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Wife Craving Busy Retirement May Have to Find It by Herself
DEAR ABBY: "Mrs. Couch Potato" (Feb. 28) complained that she's finding in retirement that her husband isn't interested in social activities. Please tell her she's not alone.
My husband and I are retired, as are most of the couples around us. It seems the men were so busy working that when they came home, all they wanted to do was to rest and decompress. I have discovered that men are not as social as women.
I'm not sure I agree that "Mister Couch Potato" is depressed, as you suggested. He's probably no different than he has been for the past 30 years. His wife was likely so busy she never noticed.
My suggestion to her would be to continue enjoying her activities. Couples don't have to be together 24/7. Plan an occasional outing with another couple. Invite someone over for dinner. If she waits for her husband to plan something, it won't happen. Check out activities at the local library. Go do some together. Mr. Couch Potato may eventually find something he enjoys. It takes time. -- HAPPY WIFE OF A RETIRED HUSBAND
DEAR HAPPY WIFE: Thank you for your insight. Responses to "Mrs. Couch Potato's" letter were varied on this subject -- an important one because many couples face similar issues after retirement. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a seasoned curmudgeon and have been retired quite awhile. Why is a man considered "anti-social" and in need of counseling because he wants to enjoy his few remaining years by being left alone? That's why they call it "retirement." If a man has been a productive member of society, provided for his family, been there for his children and been a good husband, does he need to have his last little bit of soul sucked dry?
Perhaps it's the wife who should examine her concept of retirement and seek counseling to find out why it's so important her husband adapt to her vision of how things should be. -- SPUD SR. IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 49 years, and my wife and I work out our problems without a counselor. If she would like the two of them to be active, I suggest they join a fraternal organization that offers a slate of social activities and charitable-giving opportunities.
No longer having job-related responsibilities has created a vacuum for the husband that needs to be filled. He probably has skills and interests that an organization could use through volunteer services. Fraternal organizations foster good friendships and good times, and often keep couples focused outside their home environment and for the common good. -- IT WORKED FOR ME IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: As a busy hairdresser who has been dealing with people for years, I have had enough social interaction to last the rest of my life. I savor my alone time and use it to read, go online, watch TV, play with my dogs, do yard work, etc. I love when my adult kids visit, and I love it when they leave.
My husband is busy with hobbies and friends, and sometimes goes by himself to car shows, surfing contests or other events I'm not interested in. We're perfectly compatible and have no issues in our marriage. Our time together is filled with laughter and conversation. At work, I come across as very social, but deep down I'm like Mrs. Couch Potato's husband. She should enjoy her space and activities apart from her husband. Partners who are independent transition easier in widowhood than those who are joined at the hip. -- DIANA IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.
MOTHER LIVING IN SERVITUDE SUFFERS FOR UNCERTAIN FUTURE
DEAR ABBY: My mother needs help, but will not listen to my brother or me. She has always respected your advice, and she needs it desperately now.
Mama is a retired nurse. A little over a year ago, she moved from Florida to Virginia to live with her boyfriend, "Rudy." Rudy is extremely wealthy. He owns three homes and commercial real estate. However, he suffers from mental illness. Mama has told us that Rudy is bipolar. He also has no respect for women. He orders her around, and she must answer "Yes, sir" or "No, sir." Even though this man has millions, he and Mama are living in one room above a barn.
Rudy's wife died several years ago. He has two sons, neither of whom speak to him. Mama says she moved from her lovely home to live with him because she's "looking at the big picture." Because Rudy is wealthy, she wants us to benefit from what he has, even if she doesn't.
My brother and I can't bear her living like this. Their room has limited plumbing and -- to put it politely -- it smells. There is also evidence of rodents. Please, Abby, how can we make Mama see what she's doing to herself and to us? We love her. We don't want her to sacrifice her last years for our future financial comfort. -- HURTING FOR MOM
DEAR HURTING: Please forgive me if this seems harsh. Your mother is living in squalor with a rich man who treats her like an employee, and she thinks it will somehow benefit YOU? She is seriously misguided. Because your mother and Rudy are both adults, and presumably not a danger to themselves or to others, it could take a crowbar to separate them.
However, if you want your mother out of there, talk to his sons about what's going on and your feelings about it. I'll bet they'll not only start speaking to their father, she'll be out of there in a jiffy.
DEAR ABBY: I have an etiquette question. Is it impolite to ask a member of the royal family for an autograph? -- FAN IN DE BARY, FLA.
DEAR FAN: My experts tell me that to approach a royal in such a fashion would be highly inappropriate, and no one does it. However, in recent years, some upper lips may have become less stiffened. Therefore, it might be all right to ask a young prince --- but don't ask an old queen.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and have a stepsister, "Emily," who is also 16. We have become good friends, which is lucky because we share a room every other weekend when I am at my father's.
Something really bothers me. I refer to Emily as my sister. However, she calls me her STEPsister. I have told her it hurts my feelings, and asked if we couldn't just consider each other as sisters. She says she thinks of me as a close friend, but isn't comfortable calling me "sister" because technically we're not.
I have always wanted a sister. How can I get Emily to consider me hers? -- RELATED IN FORT WAYNE, IND.
DEAR RELATED: As close as you feel to Emily, and as much as you want a sister, you can't force another person into it. I have known unrelated girlfriends to refer to each other as "sisters." However, for whatever reason, it is important to Emily to maintain some distance and make the distinction that you're not blood-related.
Frankly, it's her loss. Don't push her; continue to love her, and perhaps one day she'll realize how fortunate she is to have someone as sweet as you in her life.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I live in a medium-sized community where a lot of people know one another. I often hear them discuss such private matters as the state of someone's marriage, their finances, etc. Even if they don't know if what they're saying is true, they still repeat it.
Whenever someone starts talking to me about a person who isn't there, I remind her that she wouldn't appreciate having her business discussed behind her back. One neighbor even asked me about my own marriage in front of a group of people. When I politely asked why she would ask about such an intimate matter, she became angry and told me I was being rude to her. I may have embarrassed her, but not as much as she did me.
I think gossiping is a low form of entertainment at someone else's expense. What do you think? -- MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS IN NEVADA
DEAR MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS: Gossip is, indeed, a low form of entertainment -- and if we're honest, it's something most of us have indulged in at one time or another. Everybody wants to know other people's business. One need only look at readers with their noses buried in the scandal rags at the supermarket checkout counter for verification.
Why we have this compulsion is anybody's guess. Perhaps it's because gossip requires little intellectual effort, distracts us from concentrating on important tasks in our lives that might be painful or difficult to confront, or makes us feel superior.
P.S. You did not embarrass your neighbor by rebuffing her inappropriate question. She embarrassed herself by asking.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior, currently going through the process of applying to colleges. As I've visited various schools, I have realized that college isn't cheap. Many of them cost more than $45,000 a year.
My question is, how do I go about paying back my parents for college? They can afford to pay for my education and still be financially solid, yet I know I will have to repay them. How long after I graduate should it be before I begin? -- MATTHEW IN BURR RIDGE, ILL.
DEAR MATTHEW: Discuss this with your parents. The answer may depend on how quickly they will need the money, and what kind of payment schedule you can comfortably handle once you have graduated and become self-supporting.
Please consider that you may be eligible for scholarships and grants that could lessen your -- and their -- financial obligation. Your school guidance counselor can provide you with this information. Your public library also has information regarding scholarships, so you should consult the librarian.
DEAR ABBY: An elderly relative, whom I love dearly, is dying. She has always been demure and ladylike, and I am concerned that when the time comes for the embalming and viewing, the deceased is never buried in underwear or shoes. Is this true? -- DONNA IN ENID, OKLA.
DEAR DONNA: Put your fears to rest. A person has the right to "dictate" what she (or he) wants to be buried in. If the deceased has left no instruction, the funeral director will take direction from the family.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)