For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I live in a medium-sized community where a lot of people know one another. I often hear them discuss such private matters as the state of someone's marriage, their finances, etc. Even if they don't know if what they're saying is true, they still repeat it.
Whenever someone starts talking to me about a person who isn't there, I remind her that she wouldn't appreciate having her business discussed behind her back. One neighbor even asked me about my own marriage in front of a group of people. When I politely asked why she would ask about such an intimate matter, she became angry and told me I was being rude to her. I may have embarrassed her, but not as much as she did me.
I think gossiping is a low form of entertainment at someone else's expense. What do you think? -- MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS IN NEVADA
DEAR MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS: Gossip is, indeed, a low form of entertainment -- and if we're honest, it's something most of us have indulged in at one time or another. Everybody wants to know other people's business. One need only look at readers with their noses buried in the scandal rags at the supermarket checkout counter for verification.
Why we have this compulsion is anybody's guess. Perhaps it's because gossip requires little intellectual effort, distracts us from concentrating on important tasks in our lives that might be painful or difficult to confront, or makes us feel superior.
P.S. You did not embarrass your neighbor by rebuffing her inappropriate question. She embarrassed herself by asking.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school senior, currently going through the process of applying to colleges. As I've visited various schools, I have realized that college isn't cheap. Many of them cost more than $45,000 a year.
My question is, how do I go about paying back my parents for college? They can afford to pay for my education and still be financially solid, yet I know I will have to repay them. How long after I graduate should it be before I begin? -- MATTHEW IN BURR RIDGE, ILL.
DEAR MATTHEW: Discuss this with your parents. The answer may depend on how quickly they will need the money, and what kind of payment schedule you can comfortably handle once you have graduated and become self-supporting.
Please consider that you may be eligible for scholarships and grants that could lessen your -- and their -- financial obligation. Your school guidance counselor can provide you with this information. Your public library also has information regarding scholarships, so you should consult the librarian.
DEAR ABBY: An elderly relative, whom I love dearly, is dying. She has always been demure and ladylike, and I am concerned that when the time comes for the embalming and viewing, the deceased is never buried in underwear or shoes. Is this true? -- DONNA IN ENID, OKLA.
DEAR DONNA: Put your fears to rest. A person has the right to "dictate" what she (or he) wants to be buried in. If the deceased has left no instruction, the funeral director will take direction from the family.
Certain Death, Not Freedom, Follows the Wings of a Dove
DEAR ABBY: The wedding season is fast approaching, and every year, starry-eyed brides plan to release white doves to "freedom" as part of their wedding celebration.
Abby, when white doves, born and raised in captivity with no clue how to live on their own, are released to "freedom," they face certain death! Have you ever seen white doves flying about, nesting in the wild? No. That's because they cannot survive on their own.
Please spread the word that this awful practice needs to stop. A little education would go a long way. -- SOMEONE WHO CARES, ORANGEVALE, CALIF.
DEAR SOMEONE: Thank you for the heads-up. I discussed your comments with a docent at a local zoo, who explained that not only do doves raised in captivity know nothing about predators, being released into an unknown area disorients the poor creatures. In order to survive, they would have to join with another flock -- and spreading their wings brings no guarantee they will be accepted.
DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to be writing this. "Blessed" would be a better word. You see, my family could have been planning my husband's and my funeral today.
We were driving on a busy street when another driver raced out of the post office driveway as we were passing. It happened so fast, we couldn't see who it was -- just an object hurtling toward us. Thank God, my husband had sharp enough reflexes to swerve over the double line. Miraculously, no oncoming traffic was approaching. If it had been, we'd have been hit head-on. Had my husband not gotten out of the way, my side of the car would have been hit broadside.
Why in the name of heaven don't people realize that an automobile is a potential weapon? I hope my letter is worth space in your column. Life is fragile. This happened yesterday, and I am ... STILL SHAKEN IN FORT WORTH
DEAR STILL SHAKEN: Your letter is well worth space in my column. The driver may have been high, angry, sleep-deprived or distracted. Not only could you have been killed, but the person driving that car could have also been severely injured. While cars and bumpers used to be made of sturdy metal, today they are made of plastic. When we start our engines, no one should ever forget that fact.
DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old grandson was recently treated to an all-expense-paid vacation to visit his aunt and uncle in Washington, D.C. Because his family is struggling financially, I gave my grandson $50 to treat his hosts to dinner. He seemed excited about it and readily agreed that he would do it.
I found out inadvertently that he did not use the money as intended, and, in fact, I don't know what he did with it. Should I confront him or let it go, since I know he didn't have much spending money? -- GRANDMA ON A LIMITED INCOME
DEAR GRANDMA: To ask your grandson what he did with the money does not need to be "confrontational." Simply tell him that you have learned that he didn't take his aunt and uncle out to dinner as planned. True, he may have spent the money on himself. However, he may have offered and the offer was declined. Give him a chance to explain.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Please help me deliver a message to a family here about their son, who is a fifth-grader in the school my children also attend.
These parents are well-known. They refuse to allow their son to get his hair cut, and it has caused him to withdraw from sports at school. He told some of his friends that he would like to get his hair cut because the other kids are calling him a girl. He just sits at home and plays games on TV. He's afraid to let his parents know about the teasing. Even some of the adults are afraid to talk to them.
I believe this to be a form of child abuse. The boy's parents read your column in the local paper. Please help him because the name-calling is bound to get worse as he gets older. -- ANOTHER PARENT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR PARENT: Surely these "well-known" parents love their son. Sometimes children are reluctant to confide to their parents that they're being teased because they are too ashamed. Because the boy is the target of ridicule, his teacher or the principal should have a talk with the mother or father. However, if they are too intimidated to raise the subject, then you should.
DEAR ABBY: A friend and I attended a bridal shower of a friend's daughter. After the young woman opened her gifts, we were escorted to another room where blank note cards were strewn on a coffee table, surrounded by envelopes and stamps. The hostess instructed us to write on these folded cards our names and what we had given the bride-to-be.
The hostess told us to write: "Dear Mary (using our own names, of course), Thank you for the nice afghan" (or whatever we had given), and place the card in one of the envelopes. We were then told to address and stamp the envelopes, but not to seal them so (I assume) the "too busy" bride-to-be could sign her name.
As I foolishly followed these ridiculous instructions, I was tempted to thank myself for the 30-minute drive I had made in each direction to purchase a gift, and the 45-minute drive I made to attend the shower.
How stupid are we going to feel when the "thank-yous," in our own handwriting, show up in the mail? My son says I should refuse the letter.
And do you want to know the "topper"? I asked the bride-to-be before leaving when her wedding was. Get this -- it's in two days. I am not even invited to the wedding!
What's wrong with this generation? Please shed some light on this. Thanks, Abby. I feel better now that I've vented -- stupid, but better. -- FEELING USED IN KANSAS
DEAR FEELING USED: Nothing is wrong with "this generation." What you have described is a family that never learned basic good manners. Rather than an "afghan" -- or whatever your gift was -- the bride-to-be would have been better served to have received a book on etiquette.
DEAR ABBY: What are the proper uses of "J.D." and "Esq.," especially when it comes to signature lines sent via e-mail? -- LIVONIA, MICH., READER
DEAR READER: The titles are used on both snail mail and e-mail. Some lawyers use the honorific "Esq." after their name. Others prefer the initials "J.D.," which stand for Juris Doctor (Doctor of Law). This is a degree conferred by a law school, unusually after three years of study. And many spell out the title by using "Attorney at Law" after their names.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)