For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Certain Death, Not Freedom, Follows the Wings of a Dove
DEAR ABBY: The wedding season is fast approaching, and every year, starry-eyed brides plan to release white doves to "freedom" as part of their wedding celebration.
Abby, when white doves, born and raised in captivity with no clue how to live on their own, are released to "freedom," they face certain death! Have you ever seen white doves flying about, nesting in the wild? No. That's because they cannot survive on their own.
Please spread the word that this awful practice needs to stop. A little education would go a long way. -- SOMEONE WHO CARES, ORANGEVALE, CALIF.
DEAR SOMEONE: Thank you for the heads-up. I discussed your comments with a docent at a local zoo, who explained that not only do doves raised in captivity know nothing about predators, being released into an unknown area disorients the poor creatures. In order to survive, they would have to join with another flock -- and spreading their wings brings no guarantee they will be accepted.
DEAR ABBY: I feel fortunate to be writing this. "Blessed" would be a better word. You see, my family could have been planning my husband's and my funeral today.
We were driving on a busy street when another driver raced out of the post office driveway as we were passing. It happened so fast, we couldn't see who it was -- just an object hurtling toward us. Thank God, my husband had sharp enough reflexes to swerve over the double line. Miraculously, no oncoming traffic was approaching. If it had been, we'd have been hit head-on. Had my husband not gotten out of the way, my side of the car would have been hit broadside.
Why in the name of heaven don't people realize that an automobile is a potential weapon? I hope my letter is worth space in your column. Life is fragile. This happened yesterday, and I am ... STILL SHAKEN IN FORT WORTH
DEAR STILL SHAKEN: Your letter is well worth space in my column. The driver may have been high, angry, sleep-deprived or distracted. Not only could you have been killed, but the person driving that car could have also been severely injured. While cars and bumpers used to be made of sturdy metal, today they are made of plastic. When we start our engines, no one should ever forget that fact.
DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old grandson was recently treated to an all-expense-paid vacation to visit his aunt and uncle in Washington, D.C. Because his family is struggling financially, I gave my grandson $50 to treat his hosts to dinner. He seemed excited about it and readily agreed that he would do it.
I found out inadvertently that he did not use the money as intended, and, in fact, I don't know what he did with it. Should I confront him or let it go, since I know he didn't have much spending money? -- GRANDMA ON A LIMITED INCOME
DEAR GRANDMA: To ask your grandson what he did with the money does not need to be "confrontational." Simply tell him that you have learned that he didn't take his aunt and uncle out to dinner as planned. True, he may have spent the money on himself. However, he may have offered and the offer was declined. Give him a chance to explain.
DEAR ABBY: Please help me deliver a message to a family here about their son, who is a fifth-grader in the school my children also attend.
These parents are well-known. They refuse to allow their son to get his hair cut, and it has caused him to withdraw from sports at school. He told some of his friends that he would like to get his hair cut because the other kids are calling him a girl. He just sits at home and plays games on TV. He's afraid to let his parents know about the teasing. Even some of the adults are afraid to talk to them.
I believe this to be a form of child abuse. The boy's parents read your column in the local paper. Please help him because the name-calling is bound to get worse as he gets older. -- ANOTHER PARENT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR PARENT: Surely these "well-known" parents love their son. Sometimes children are reluctant to confide to their parents that they're being teased because they are too ashamed. Because the boy is the target of ridicule, his teacher or the principal should have a talk with the mother or father. However, if they are too intimidated to raise the subject, then you should.
DEAR ABBY: A friend and I attended a bridal shower of a friend's daughter. After the young woman opened her gifts, we were escorted to another room where blank note cards were strewn on a coffee table, surrounded by envelopes and stamps. The hostess instructed us to write on these folded cards our names and what we had given the bride-to-be.
The hostess told us to write: "Dear Mary (using our own names, of course), Thank you for the nice afghan" (or whatever we had given), and place the card in one of the envelopes. We were then told to address and stamp the envelopes, but not to seal them so (I assume) the "too busy" bride-to-be could sign her name.
As I foolishly followed these ridiculous instructions, I was tempted to thank myself for the 30-minute drive I had made in each direction to purchase a gift, and the 45-minute drive I made to attend the shower.
How stupid are we going to feel when the "thank-yous," in our own handwriting, show up in the mail? My son says I should refuse the letter.
And do you want to know the "topper"? I asked the bride-to-be before leaving when her wedding was. Get this -- it's in two days. I am not even invited to the wedding!
What's wrong with this generation? Please shed some light on this. Thanks, Abby. I feel better now that I've vented -- stupid, but better. -- FEELING USED IN KANSAS
DEAR FEELING USED: Nothing is wrong with "this generation." What you have described is a family that never learned basic good manners. Rather than an "afghan" -- or whatever your gift was -- the bride-to-be would have been better served to have received a book on etiquette.
DEAR ABBY: What are the proper uses of "J.D." and "Esq.," especially when it comes to signature lines sent via e-mail? -- LIVONIA, MICH., READER
DEAR READER: The titles are used on both snail mail and e-mail. Some lawyers use the honorific "Esq." after their name. Others prefer the initials "J.D.," which stand for Juris Doctor (Doctor of Law). This is a degree conferred by a law school, unusually after three years of study. And many spell out the title by using "Attorney at Law" after their names.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ALERT PARENTS GET THE MESSAGE ABOUT TEENAGERS' USE OF POT
DEAR ABBY: Our 16-year-old son uses instant messaging, and we often "check in" on what he is saying and who he's speaking with. Although he knows we keep abreast of what he's doing online, he's obviously unaware of how much detail we have access to.
My husband and I know that our son is considering smoking pot and that his other friends do it occasionally. One boy in particular seems to be encouraging him to try it and is offering to provide it. This friend has dealt to others in the past.
We have a firm "parents have to connect" rule when our son wants to go to someone's house, to ensure that the teens are supervised. Our problem is, although the homes have parents "on duty," the friends are allowed to walk to town for a pizza. It's clear from reading the IMs that the boys are taking advantage of this loophole to get high.
How do I tell my son's friend's parents that their child is smoking pot and is the source for several others? -- AWARE IN LAWRENCE, MASS.
DEAR AWARE: Tell them in plain English -- and do it quickly. When someone is the source for others, in the eyes of the law it is considered "dealing," the penalty for which can be years in the pokey. And if you haven't already done so, inform your son that the penalty for smoking pot when -- not if -- you catch him will be severe.
Last February, I printed a letter from Marc Galanter, M.D., the director of alcoholism and drug abuse at New York University Medical Center. In it he said: "(W)e know that illicit drug use changes the developing brain. Many young people smoke pot before their brain development is settled, and their chronic use of the drug can affect certain centers in the brain that control emotion and reason.
"Research shows that regular use ... may also lead to mental health problems. Youth who use marijuana weekly have double the risk of depression later in life, and are three times more likely than non-users to have suicidal thoughts."
In light of Dr. Galanter's warning, it's time the other parents are made aware of what their teens are having with their pizza.
DEAR ABBY: When a friend asks for a ride from work to home, or home to work -- or anywhere, for that matter -- is it rude for the person to start adjusting the windows, volume on the radio, the thermostat, the sunroof, etc. without asking first?
I realize we are adults, but this is driving me crazy. -- JAY IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
DEAR JAY: Many cars have child safety locks that prevent passenger windows from being operated or doors opened. Utilizing yours could solve part of your problem. However, many people do this when they enter a vehicle, and the driver doesn't mind. Because you do, speak up and say that you find it annoying, and I'm sure it won't happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter-in-law, "Carmella," speaks a foreign language with her parents and children while in our presence. We don't understand a word of these "private" conversations and have let her know that it makes us uncomfortable. We consider her behavior rude. Are we wrong to feel excluded? -- THE IN-LAWS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR IN-LAWS: Your feelings are not wrong. Unless Carmella's parents and children speak no English and she must translate for them, excluding you from the conversation is extremely rude.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)