To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Sister Burdened With Debt Has Only Herself to Blame
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Ellie," and her husband, "Bill," have three lovely little girls. Both have good jobs and live in a pleasant neighborhood. However, neither one ever learned any life skills. Both worked and lived rent-free with their parents until they met and married in their late 20s. Consequently, they are up to their necks in credit card debt because of their need for instant gratification.
For the past year Ellie has called me almost daily, crying, asking for money "for the sake of the children." I have given them what we can spare, but I have three sons in college, and my husband may be facing a medical retirement, which would leave me the sole wage-earner.
I have told Ellie repeatedly that she and Bill must learn to budget and pay their bills, and advised them to seek professional debt and marriage counseling, neither of which they have done.
Several months ago, Ellie called to ask if the family could move in with us until they got on their feet. My husband refused, telling her that without counseling their habits were not going to change, and we could not afford to support them short of a true emergency.
Ellie was furious. She joined a "swingers" club and began a series of love affairs. Ellie says her affairs are "the only comfort" she has now that I have failed to "rescue" her in her "hour of need."
I'm upset that I have made the girls' situation worse by refusing to provide for their parents. However, my husband is adamant that two working people should learn to manage their own lives. Am I injuring my nieces by refusing to rescue their parents? -- NON-ENABLER, OAK RIDGE, TENN.
DEAR NON-ENABLER: Your sister has made it your responsibility because she joined a swingers club, and you're accepting it? Wake up! You haven't made their situation worse, SHE has. Ellie is not only irresponsible, but also immature. Do not be bamboozled.
You are carrying a heavy enough load as it is. If you step in and try to rescue Ellie, you'll wind up carrying her until the stress makes you sick. The only person who can get her out of the mess she has created is herself.
DEAR ABBY: Early in our marriage -- the second for both of us -- my husband suggested having my portrait painted in the nude. We found an artist we were comfortable with, and the painting turned out so beautiful, we decided to have my husband pose nude, too.
We keep these paintings in our bedroom and have never allowed anyone else to see them. We plan to cherish them for many years, but now realize we will need to make arrangements for their safekeeping after we're gone. They are tastefully positioned, beautifully framed and quite large. We do not want our children left with the task of finding a home for our "artwork."
How do we go about finding a gallery that will display them? -- PICTURE-PERFECT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PICTURE-PERFECT: Start calling the museums and art galleries in your area. Your success may depend upon the level of recognition the artist who painted your portraits has achieved. If that doesn't work, then contact the clothing-optional resorts in your area and ask if they would like to hang them in their clubhouse.
Families of Disabled Children Can Find Help for the Future
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to respond to "No Thanks! Sacramento, Calif." (Feb. 7). Having also grown up with a disabled sibling, I empathize with her distress and feeling "saddled" with an obligation of caring for her younger mentally retarded sister.
I recommend she talk to her school counselor, who may be able to assist with family counseling. Once her sister turns 18, she may be eligible for public assistance as well as other state programs. Many nonprofit organizations are available to assist disabled citizens after their parents have passed, so the sole burden does not fall upon the sibling's shoulders.
My mother has conservatorship over my brother's medical affairs, while a local nonprofit organization oversees his financial affairs. When Mother passes, there is a small trust fund set aside for him that I will manage. I will then become his medical conservator. Everything is set up in a way that I can care for my brother while maintaining a life separate from him. -- LISA IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR LISA: I was enlightened by the responses that poured in offering additional recommendations that may alleviate the concerns of both "No Thanks" and her mother. Thank you for sharing yours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior support coordinator (futures and estate planning) with The Arc of Frederick County, Md. The concerns "No Thanks" has about being completely responsible for her sister's care are frequently expressed by siblings of children with disabilities. Fortunately, there are many possibilities for her family that would allow the best of both worlds.
The Arc (www.arcfc.org) offers information and support in almost every state. We serve individuals with disabilities and their families and can assist with plan development.
Thank you for printing the letter from this young lady, Abby. She echoes the concerns of siblings around the world, and there IS an answer. -- KARLA IN FREDERICK, MD.
DEAR ABBY: As the mother and sister of special-needs people, I understand both "NT's" and her mother's points of view. You recommend a "group living situation" for her sister, but unfortunately there aren't nearly enough group homes to meet the large (and growing) demand for them. "Becky" should get on a housing wait list as soon as possible.
Her parents should contact the special-ed department at the local high school. The department is aware of organizations that can help with Becky's needs. Also, the parents should make financial arrangements for Becky's future. My parents did these things for my brother, and I am very grateful. -- SEES BOTH SIDES IN COLUMBIA, MD.
DEAR ABBY: I am mom to a 15-year-old son with autism, bipolar disorder and mental retardation. I also have a daughter who is 12.
One day, when my daughter was only 8, we explained that most adults move out of their parents' home and into a place of their own. I explained that eventually her brother would be moving into a group home with others like him.
My daughter said: "I love my brother, but I don't think I want him to live with me when we grow up. Is it OK if I visit him and make sure he has the things that make him happy? He could come to my house for holidays and birthdays."
Perhaps, if "No Thanks" shows this to her mother, they can both see the compromise and have a little peace of mind. -- BEEN THERE IN OREGON
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Parting Can Bring Sorrow to Those With Unruly Hair
DEAR ABBY: For most of my life, I have parted my hair on the right. I am now being told that men should part their hair on the left. Is there a correct side for men?
-- HARRY W., MORRO BAY, CALIF.
DEAR HARRY: I relayed your question to my hair design consultant, Bob Cox. According to Bob, people naturally have a cowlick (or "whorl") on one side of their scalp from which the hair growth pattern emerges. (Some people have two, although one is usually stronger than the other.) This is what determines which way the hair will naturally fall when it is parted.
Bob went on to relate the story of a client who had recently been referred to him. The gentleman had been going to his former barber for 15 years, and for 15 years his hair had never been easy to manage. Over the last couple of years, the problem had become so bad that his wife had to help him part his hair in the morning.
Bob took one look and realized the former barber had been parting the man's hair on the wrong side, which had been causing it to stick up. The problem was resolved with one appointment. If other men out there are having the same problem, this letter may be helpful.
DEAR ABBY: I recently presented a research proposal. I did the best I could and was verbally attacked by my boss. She is often tactless and can at times be cruel.
I tried to defend my research, but perhaps I did it too emphatically and went overboard, because my team member turned off my microphone and apologized to the boss.
I understand some of the criticisms, but what bothered me was that other proposals were more flawed than ours, but were not attacked in a similar fashion. One thing led to another, and I broke down in tears at the table. Luckily, the boss did not see it, but other team members did.
Is showing emotion in public wrong? I tried to hold it in but couldn't. I was insulted and felt terrible for my team. Was crying unprofessional? Should I have run to the powder room to sob -- or would that have made it worse?
-- TEARY-EYED IN MALAYSIA
DEAR TEARY-EYED: To show emotion in public is human, as long as one does not have a complete meltdown. You lost control twice, the first time when your team member felt it necessary to turn off your microphone and offer apologies to your boss; the second, when you began crying. Excusing yourself and going to the restroom would have been more appropriate and professional than what you did at the meeting. Learn from it.
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply patriotic and support our troops wholeheartedly. Because I am people-oriented, I try to go out of my way at my job (I am a hotel front desk clerk) to say nice things to people or do something for them. I often see government IDs on individuals (usually military) and I would like to say thanks -- but I don't know how. I don't know who's been overseas or not, and was wondering if you had any suggestions. I would just like to be able to say thanks without being intrusive and remain professional about it. -- ELIZABETH IN ORLANDO
DEAR ELIZABETH: All you need to say is, "Thank you very much for your service to our country." The statement is direct, not at all intrusive and will be appreciated.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)