Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Families of Disabled Children Can Find Help for the Future
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to respond to "No Thanks! Sacramento, Calif." (Feb. 7). Having also grown up with a disabled sibling, I empathize with her distress and feeling "saddled" with an obligation of caring for her younger mentally retarded sister.
I recommend she talk to her school counselor, who may be able to assist with family counseling. Once her sister turns 18, she may be eligible for public assistance as well as other state programs. Many nonprofit organizations are available to assist disabled citizens after their parents have passed, so the sole burden does not fall upon the sibling's shoulders.
My mother has conservatorship over my brother's medical affairs, while a local nonprofit organization oversees his financial affairs. When Mother passes, there is a small trust fund set aside for him that I will manage. I will then become his medical conservator. Everything is set up in a way that I can care for my brother while maintaining a life separate from him. -- LISA IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR LISA: I was enlightened by the responses that poured in offering additional recommendations that may alleviate the concerns of both "No Thanks" and her mother. Thank you for sharing yours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior support coordinator (futures and estate planning) with The Arc of Frederick County, Md. The concerns "No Thanks" has about being completely responsible for her sister's care are frequently expressed by siblings of children with disabilities. Fortunately, there are many possibilities for her family that would allow the best of both worlds.
The Arc (www.arcfc.org) offers information and support in almost every state. We serve individuals with disabilities and their families and can assist with plan development.
Thank you for printing the letter from this young lady, Abby. She echoes the concerns of siblings around the world, and there IS an answer. -- KARLA IN FREDERICK, MD.
DEAR ABBY: As the mother and sister of special-needs people, I understand both "NT's" and her mother's points of view. You recommend a "group living situation" for her sister, but unfortunately there aren't nearly enough group homes to meet the large (and growing) demand for them. "Becky" should get on a housing wait list as soon as possible.
Her parents should contact the special-ed department at the local high school. The department is aware of organizations that can help with Becky's needs. Also, the parents should make financial arrangements for Becky's future. My parents did these things for my brother, and I am very grateful. -- SEES BOTH SIDES IN COLUMBIA, MD.
DEAR ABBY: I am mom to a 15-year-old son with autism, bipolar disorder and mental retardation. I also have a daughter who is 12.
One day, when my daughter was only 8, we explained that most adults move out of their parents' home and into a place of their own. I explained that eventually her brother would be moving into a group home with others like him.
My daughter said: "I love my brother, but I don't think I want him to live with me when we grow up. Is it OK if I visit him and make sure he has the things that make him happy? He could come to my house for holidays and birthdays."
Perhaps, if "No Thanks" shows this to her mother, they can both see the compromise and have a little peace of mind. -- BEEN THERE IN OREGON
Parting Can Bring Sorrow to Those With Unruly Hair
DEAR ABBY: For most of my life, I have parted my hair on the right. I am now being told that men should part their hair on the left. Is there a correct side for men?
-- HARRY W., MORRO BAY, CALIF.
DEAR HARRY: I relayed your question to my hair design consultant, Bob Cox. According to Bob, people naturally have a cowlick (or "whorl") on one side of their scalp from which the hair growth pattern emerges. (Some people have two, although one is usually stronger than the other.) This is what determines which way the hair will naturally fall when it is parted.
Bob went on to relate the story of a client who had recently been referred to him. The gentleman had been going to his former barber for 15 years, and for 15 years his hair had never been easy to manage. Over the last couple of years, the problem had become so bad that his wife had to help him part his hair in the morning.
Bob took one look and realized the former barber had been parting the man's hair on the wrong side, which had been causing it to stick up. The problem was resolved with one appointment. If other men out there are having the same problem, this letter may be helpful.
DEAR ABBY: I recently presented a research proposal. I did the best I could and was verbally attacked by my boss. She is often tactless and can at times be cruel.
I tried to defend my research, but perhaps I did it too emphatically and went overboard, because my team member turned off my microphone and apologized to the boss.
I understand some of the criticisms, but what bothered me was that other proposals were more flawed than ours, but were not attacked in a similar fashion. One thing led to another, and I broke down in tears at the table. Luckily, the boss did not see it, but other team members did.
Is showing emotion in public wrong? I tried to hold it in but couldn't. I was insulted and felt terrible for my team. Was crying unprofessional? Should I have run to the powder room to sob -- or would that have made it worse?
-- TEARY-EYED IN MALAYSIA
DEAR TEARY-EYED: To show emotion in public is human, as long as one does not have a complete meltdown. You lost control twice, the first time when your team member felt it necessary to turn off your microphone and offer apologies to your boss; the second, when you began crying. Excusing yourself and going to the restroom would have been more appropriate and professional than what you did at the meeting. Learn from it.
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply patriotic and support our troops wholeheartedly. Because I am people-oriented, I try to go out of my way at my job (I am a hotel front desk clerk) to say nice things to people or do something for them. I often see government IDs on individuals (usually military) and I would like to say thanks -- but I don't know how. I don't know who's been overseas or not, and was wondering if you had any suggestions. I would just like to be able to say thanks without being intrusive and remain professional about it. -- ELIZABETH IN ORLANDO
DEAR ELIZABETH: All you need to say is, "Thank you very much for your service to our country." The statement is direct, not at all intrusive and will be appreciated.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Siblings Planning Anniversary Can Ignore Party Pooper Mom
DEAR ABBY: My parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this year, so my siblings and I have been trying to plan something special.
I asked my mother what she would like us to do. Her response was she didn't want to tell me what to do, for us just to decide. When we suggested a Caribbean cruise, she said Dad didn't want to be on the water. So we planned a vacation in Mexico. Mom said she didn't want to get passports. Then I suggested a big party with family and friends. She said she would be hurt if people didn't show up. I asked Dad what he wanted to do; he suggested a trip to New York. Mother shot that idea down, too.
My siblings and I have put months into planning this effort, and Mom is not making it an easy process. We even staged an "intervention" with all of us kids and Mom and Dad. We sat down and brainstormed ideas that might please her, even offering to give them several thousand dollars to spend as they wish. Nothing is good enough for Mom.
I am frustrated. If I do nothing, she'll be upset with me and hold a grudge. If I plan something, it won't be the right thing. At 45 years of age, I just want to do ONE thing right in my mother's eyes. Help me, please. -- NEAR TEARS IN HENDERSON, COLO.
DEAR NEAR TEARS: The name for the behavior your mother is displaying is "passive-aggression." Because you say you would like to do "one" thing right in her eyes, I assume it has been going on since you were quite young. The advice I am offering is not what you expect. Here it is: STOP TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR MOTHER. It is impossible to accomplish.
You and your siblings should throw the party with family and friends. Do not show your mother the guest list; that way she cannot be hurt if someone doesn't show up. And make it a "surprise party." Do not expect to please your mother. She's not pleasable, and the sooner you accept that fact, the better off you will be.
DEAR ABBY: Because of a sudden, life-threatening illness, I had to leave my job. During the time I worked there, I cultivated (I thought) some great friendships. Now I am heartbroken to realize the friendships I so valued were not valued in return.
One woman broke off our phone conversation with, "I have to take this call. I'll call you right back." It has been nearly six months, and I'm still waiting for that returned call. I know I could have called her back, but I seem to be the only one initiating contact. Perhaps my one or two calls a month became too much for her.
There must be others in similar situations. My question is, should I write this "friendship" off?
-- SADDENED IN TAYLORVILLE, ILL.
DEAR SADDENED: Yes. Some people are so afraid of death that when someone close -- a friend, family member or spouse -- is stricken with a life-threatening illness, instead of stepping forward and offering support, they physically or emotionally run in the opposite direction.
Why cling to this person? When the chips are down, she couldn't face it. And that, in my book, is not true friendship.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)