To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Supermom Has Given Her All to Everyone Except Herself
DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old mom with three grown daughters. I gave up my whole life to be a stay-at-home parent. I was a room mother at school and a bus driver, and did everything I could to be the best mom my kids could have. Now they are grown with children of their own. I help with the grandkids, but I never feel appreciated.
I tried to do everything the opposite of how my parents raised me. My mother was absent, and my dad was a drunk who abused us. I'm beginning to wonder -- have all the sacrifices I made mattered? Or have I wasted my life trying to be a good mom and no one cares? -- SUPERMOM IN WELSH, LA.
DEAR SUPERMOM: You were a diligent parent when your daughters were growing up, and you have continued generously giving of your time with your grandchildren. But it seems you forgot completely about yourself during those years.
Rather than looking for "appreciation" from your daughters, don't you think it's time you started devoting some time to yourself and your own interests? I do. Take some time for yourself. You have earned it. And, perhaps, if you're less available, you will be more appreciated.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the columns you printed with letters from readers describing what they think is wrong with American society, I think it's time to talk about what is RIGHT in our society. I, for one, would like to mention the endless compassion we are capable of giving, and how, in times of some of our greatest tragedies, we have come together in spite of our differences to support and help one another.
Yes, there are many negatives that can easily be listed about problems in our society, but wouldn't the greater challenge -- and a more productive one -- be to list the positives about it? -- REBECCA IN NEW YORK
DEAR REBECCA: I received a great deal of feedback regarding not only the question I posed to readers -- "What is society's greatest problem?" -- but also some of the thought-provoking responses that appeared in my column (Feb. 5 and 6). While many people told me they enjoyed the intellectual exercise, others felt that those columns were uncharacteristically negative. (My feeling is that finding solutions to problems entails first identifying them.)
However, your point is well taken. So, readers, pick up your pens or head for your keyboards, and share with me -- and each other -- your thoughts on what is right in our society.
DEAR ABBY: I recently won a local vocabulary contest. In school, I am called "the walking dictionary." People often approach me to find out the meaning of words.
Since winning the contest, I have become more popular, and my boyfriend has been trying to use big words when he talks to me or to our friends. The problem is, he uses them incorrectly or mispronounces them. I know he's trying to impress me, but it's embarrassing. How can I tell him to stop without hurting his feelings? -- THE WALKING DICTIONARY IN GEORGIA
DEAR WALKING DICTIONARY: People sometimes mispronounce words because they learned them by reading them rather than hearing them used. Give your boyfriend points for being intellectually acquisitive.
The next time he uses a word incorrectly or mispronounces it, offer a gentle correction -- but be sure to do it in private. That way, he won't be embarrassed.
Feeding Pate to Cats Puts Partner in the Doghouse
DEAR ABBY: My domestic partner and I have been together 12 years. I love him dearly. He is sweet, funny, witty, kind, and most important, willing to live with me. I can't imagine life without him.
The problem is, he has no common sense. He doesn't "get" that dishes we cook and eat with should not be used for feeding the cats. If the toilet runs over (we have old plumbing), my best bath towels should not be used to clean up the mess when there's a mop in the closet. If we're out of cat food, he should go to the supermarket and buy some, not open the can of goose liver pate we brought back from Paris. That sort of thing.
The immediate cause of my annoyance is if you have two credit cards, one with a 7 percent interest rate, the other with a 21 percent interest rate, you don't put a $2,000 purchase on the card with the higher interest rate.
My partner is 42, but sometimes I feel like I'm the parent of a 4-year-old. If I say anything, he accuses me of being a "control freak." I don't consider myself one, but I just don't want my favorite punch bowl used as a bucket. Any ideas before I shoot the both of us? -- READY TO SCREAM, GROVELAND, FLA.
DEAR READY TO SCREAM: Until they start cloning couples, there will always be one more responsible person in a relationship. Because your partnership has lasted as long as it has, I'm sure he has his strengths, too, that are different from yours.
Because you already know the state of your plumbing, stash a supply of rags or old, faded towels in your linen closet and show them to him, so that when another emergency occurs, he will be able to locate them quickly. Transfer your fine china and crystal to a cabinet that's less convenient to reach -- perhaps even one with a lock -- so it won't be so available when the livestock gets hungry.
And warn your partner in advance that certain items -- like pate -- are only for special occasions. Also, consider transferring your balance from the high-interest credit card, or keeping it in a safety deposit box.
If all that fails, remind yourself what it was like back on the dating circuit. If that doesn't make you count his virtues, nothing will.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Bob," who has a strange sense of humor. A lot of people don't find him funny, and this time I'm afraid he's gone too far.
His most recent prank was to fake his own death. Bob even went so far as to submit a fake obituary. The problem is we have mutual friends in other states who are convinced he is dead and are pretty shaken up about it.
I want to tell everyone the truth, but I know Bob will see it as a betrayal. I don't want to hurt our relationship, but I hate to see our friends in pain. What should I do? -- DILEMMA IN DALLAS
DEAR DILEMMA: Your "friend" has a cruel and twisted sense of humor, and if you are wise, you'll distance yourself from him. Not only has he hurt people who care about him, but if he has done this to avoid paying taxes or other financial obligations, it is fraud.
Since you asked, you should inform anyone who inquires that Bob is still very much among them -- and advise them to give him a call when you know he'll be picking up.
P.S. If someone did that to me, I'd pretend he WAS dead.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old twin daughters were very close, considered each other their "best friend" and got along beautifully sharing a room. Disagreements and arguments were rare and nearly always minor.
However, during the last few months, out of the blue, they have begun fighting and arguing frequently. They scream and yell at each other over the pettiest of things. Instead of being constant companions, they no longer want to do anything together.
Now they spend time separately with friends. They are even asking us to get a bigger house so they can have separate rooms. They refuse to share the bathroom in the morning -- which had never been a problem before -- claiming to need privacy from each other. This makes things very difficult during the morning rush because we also have a 15-year-old son who needs to get ready for school.
I am at my wit's end trying to deal with this. I have no idea what caused this sudden rift, and the girls don't seem to understand it either. Please help. -- LOUISIANA MOM OF 3
DEAR LOUISIANA MOM: What's causing the rift is that your daughters are maturing. Their hormones are changing, and they are trying to become individuals. This is a healthy thing, and you should not worry.
As to the scheduling problem in the bathroom -- if the girls won't cooperate and share the facilities, then they will have to alternate. And your job as mother and referee is to see that they do.
DEAR ABBY: I recently visited my favorite brother and his family for a few days. My sister-in-law invited me to go out for coffee with her -- just the two of us -- then proceeded to tell me in great detail about an affair she had about a year ago. I was floored.
My brother doesn't know about this, and now this information is haunting me. If my brother knew my husband had cheated and didn't tell me, I'd be furious. On the other hand, telling my brother will hurt him. What should I do? -- BURDENED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BURDENED: Ask yourself this question -- if you wanted to keep an infidelity from your spouse, would you confide "in great detail" in his sibling? If the answer is no, then consider that your sister-in-law is either completely lacking in judgment or subconsciously aching to get caught. Then follow your conscience.
DEAR ABBY: I would appreciate your opinion on a matter that has me concerned. My son and his wife have gone on a trip to Africa. I am watching the grandchildren part of the time while their parents are gone.
The night before my son left, I said, "To be prudent and prepared in case of emergency, in the event you have an accident, who will be the permanent guardians for these children?" His reply was, "That is none of your business. It is a personal matter."
Was I out of bounds to ask that question? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN REDMOND, WASH.
DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Absolutely not. Your question was a timely and intelligent one. A more pertinent question would now be why your son became defensive that you asked. Could it be that he feels guilty because the answer is you will not be named as guardian?
If that's the case, then some written provision should be made specifying that if anything happens to him and your daughter-in-law, you will have visitation with your grandchildren -- because unless it is on paper, there is no guarantee you will.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)