To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Problems Pile Up for Man With Too Much Imagination
DEAR ABBY: To say I am upset is an understatement. I have a terrible problem. My wife of 22 years, "Verna," was recently sentenced to 15 years in prison. Verna, you see, always programmed our VCR. As a result, I have no idea how to record my favorite sporting events.
I begged my daughter to show me how to operate the darned thing, but she's still mad at me because when she asked me if her blue blazer made her look fat, I replied: "No, I don't think your blazer makes you look fat. It's those double cheeseburgers you've been scarfing down two at a time that make you look so fat."
I'm thinking maybe if I run a personal ad in my local paper I could meet a nice lady and get my mind off all the sports I'm missing on TV. Here's how I plan to word it: "SWM seeking single female with lots of money and a fast car. Race, age and looks unimportant. Please send picture of car."
I know you get hundreds of letters every day with the same exact problems that I have, but please tell me what to do. -- APRIL FOOL FROM FORT SMITH, ARK.
DEAR APRIL FOOL: People often ask me if I get made-up letters, and in honor of April Fools' Day, I am printing yours.
By the way, forget about the personal ad. You have enough family problems already without revving up anyone else's engine.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, and I have a problem with my parents. They have been having sex. That's not the problem, except for the fact that they don't wait for me to fall asleep before doing it. Tonight they had sex before saying goodnight! How do I confront them about this? -- FREAKED OUT IN ALAMEDA, CALIF.
DEAR FREAKED OUT: Tonight at dinner, say, "Mom, Dad, I think it's time we talked about the facts of life. The first fact of life is, I'm not deaf."
DEAR READERS: The following poem was written by a longtime reader, the late Jean Wells Rogers. In March of 2002, I printed a poem she had penned titled, "Old-Timer's Bedtime," which contained the heart-warming lines: "We're old and we're wrinkled, but why should we mind? We sleep like two trees -- our branches entwined."
Today, I'm sharing another one of her treasures because it is both timely and relevant. Enjoy!
APRIL 1
No one goes hungry
All people are fed
The oceans are clean
Lake Erie's not dead.
The Irish aren't fighting
The Arabs love Jews
The swords are now plowshares
Now ain't that good news?
The water's delicious
The air is so clear
On top of a mountain
You see to next year.
Couples stay married
Children are jewels
Sure got you going!
APRIL FOOLS!
Girl With Her Own Bedroom Is Bunking With Dad Instead
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Jim," a single father of an 18-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter, "Jenna." The girl is very close to her parents to the point that she sleeps with them. On nights she's with Jim, she shares a bed with him. Jim and his ex have been divorced since Jenna was 2. She shared their bed while they were married.
I no longer bring up the subject. I guess you could say Jim and I have agreed to disagree. However, I don't think a 13-year-old girl should be sharing a bed with her father. To put it bluntly, it gives me the creeps.
Jenna also shares her father's master bedroom and closet with him as if she were his wife. Please understand, this girl has a lavish bathroom of her own connected to a princess-style bedroom that contains everything a girl could ever wish for. Space is not the problem. When she visits, she never sets foot in her own room or bathroom.
I haven't said anything to Jenna because I don't want to upset her, but I think it's inappropriate for Jim to continue allowing her to sleep with him. Should I let it go? I have voiced my opinion before, and it has caused several heated arguments. What are your thoughts on this? -- SLEEPING WITH ONE EYE OPEN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR SLEEPING: Although it is common for some parents to share their bed with infants or toddlers, it is far less so for a father and his teenage daughter. Jenna is no longer a child, and frankly, to continue this practice is inappropriate and potentially stimulating for both of them.
Clip this column and share it with Jim. Perhaps it will help him to rethink his stance on this.
DEAR ABBY: I consider myself a relatively "normal" female. Although I'm a little reserved, I can usually open up to new people. But I have one problem I'm afraid will cripple my chances in dating -- talking on the phone. My mind goes completely blank, and those terrible, awkward silences slowly stretch ...
In person, I can read expressions, and it's easier for me to communicate. But in this day and age we exchange phone numbers first, and then -- maybe -- date. However, before we even have a chance to sit face-to-face, I'm discounted.
Please help me. Is there any way I can be a better conversationalist on the phone so I don't wind up an old maid? -- PHONE-PHOBIC IN TOPEKA
DEAR PHONE-PHOBIC: Not everyone is comfortable making small talk on the phone. Instead of trying to fill up the "empty space" with prattle, why not be up front about it? When someone you have given your phone number to calls, talk for a few minutes, then say: "You know, I hate talking on the phone. Let's meet for a cup of coffee." That way you can put your best foot forward and show your attributes to greater advantage.
DEAR ABBY: How old do I have to be before I can begin telling my relatives exactly what I think of them? I am sick and tired of being polite to these low-lifes! I want to give them a piece of my mind before I leave this Earth. I am presently 67 years old. -- BITING TONGUE IN ZEPHYRHILLS, FLA.
DEAR BITING: I don't know how old your relatives are, but if they're older than you are, you had better hurry.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My closest friend, "Tina," who is married, has been having an affair for a few months. She has now decided she's no longer in love with her husband, "Hal," and wants a divorce. Tina and Hal have been in my life for several years and are like family to me.
Hal recently reached out to me for an explanation about Tina's 180-degree change in attitude, feelings and behavior. He is crushed and confused about why she wants a divorce. He told me he had asked her if she had been cheating. Of course, Tina lied to him.
I don't want to be the one to tell Hal what she's doing, but I feel I owe it to him. I'm disgusted with Tina, and it's killing me to see him in so much pain. What do you suggest? Am I really a friend if I don't tell, or should I continue keeping her dirty little secret? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN CORPUS CHRISTI
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Hal already suspects that Tina is cheating, or he wouldn't have asked for confirmation. If you "spill," it will cost you your friendship with Tina. However, from the tone of your letter, it appears that she's someone for whom you have lost respect anyway.
Tina's secret will be common knowledge soon. If you reveal it to Hal, he will not be thrilled to hear the news. There's a reason why people were afraid to give Caesar bad news. He had a habit of killing the messenger. So be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: My children have been cared for by a wonderful baby sitter I'll call "Sally" for two years. Mine are the only children Sally watches, and she has three of her own. Our families have a friendly relationship.
Once in a while I will stop at the grocery store on my way home, or take off from work early for a dental appointment or some personal time. It is rare, but it does happen. I always tell Sally because I want to be honest. When I do, sometimes she acts like I should have picked them up right away. I still get there on time -- sometimes early -- and I pay her well.
Is there an unwritten rule that sitters are only for when you are at work? I don't think I have abused her services, but sometimes I feel as though she thinks so. -- FEELING GUILTY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If there was an unwritten rule that sitters are only for when you're at work, legions of parents would have no social life. Perhaps it's time for you to review the terms of your baby-sitting agreement with Sally. You are paying her for a service -- to watch your children between specific times. As long as you are there to pick them up on time, you have no reason to feel guilty.
And I see no reason why you feel compelled to explain to her if you choose to take a "detour." Perhaps she becomes annoyed because you're reminding her that you have free time and she doesn't.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Brady," and I do not share the same passions. I'm a gay rights activist and love animals. Brady is tolerant of gays, but does not love animals. (I have three cats.) Also, he is not altruistic.
"Something" is not right. I need to decide if I should go it alone because I have no intention of giving up my passions in life. What do you think? -- ON DIFFERENT PATHS IN TEXAS
DEAR ON DIFFERENT PATHS: I think you should continue on your own path until you find your soul mate. As nice a person as Brady may be, he's not "The One" -- and that's the "something" that isn't right.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)