For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Boldly Goes Where Neighbors Shouldn't Tread
DEAR ABBY: When our real estate agent was showing us our house three years ago, the woman who lives next door walked into the back yard where we were standing to introduce herself. After we moved in, she knocked on our door one night carrying dinner for the two of us. It seemed like a neighborly gesture. We responded with a thank-you note.
Over the next few days, food would be laid at our door, always with a Post-It note saying, "From Bea." Soon she asked us to take care of her cats and plants while she went out of town for a week. We asked if she would reciprocate when we were away -- she agreed.
After we returned from our trip, a woman I hardly knew came up to me at the market and said, "I LOVE your home! I can't believe you even have contrasting piping on the lining of your drawers!" Apparently, Bea had taken her on a tour of our house in our absence. When I told Bea I didn't appreciate it, she got angry with the woman for telling me!
Over the summer, I noticed Bea going quickly from place to place in the neighborhood with a smirk on her face. Without asking, she would take her lawn mower and mow people's yards when she felt the grass was too high. Once she tried to encourage me to help her cut back the branches of another neighbor's tree that she felt was overgrown. Her husband says she never feels guilty, only sad at getting caught.
Her most recent escapade involves a shrub in our yard. In winter it loses its leaves. I came home one day to find it "replaced." I have also discovered that she "befriends" elderly single ladies down the street, convinces them to sell at below-market prices, and turns their homes into rental properties.
What kind of person am I dealing with, and how can we handle this? Is she crazy? -- DAVID IN PHOENIX
DEAR DAVID: The person you have described is highly manipulative, does not respect boundaries and appears to have no conscience. She has no right to enter someone else's property without permission and cut their grass or trim their trees, and doing so could be considered trespassing. As for replacing your shrub, if you could prove she took it, you could take her to court and she would have to replace the one she took with one like it.
I hope you realize that by convincing the neighbors to sell their homes at below-market rates, she is adversely affecting the price of your property because a buyer would compare your asking price with that of other homes that have sold in your neighborhood.
This woman is crazy like a fox. If she's manipulating elderly people who don't know any better, then in my opinion, she's guilty of elder abuse -- and that's against the law.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently went on vacation. He invited his sister to go with us. Every night at dinner, they would reminisce about their childhood -- people they knew and things they did.
I am not from the same hometown as they are. I told my husband it was rude for the two of them to have done that. He feels we have enough "together time" and he did nothing wrong. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- OUTSIDER IN GREENVILLE, S.C.
DEAR OUTSIDER: It is normal, natural and understandable that siblings who haven't seen each other in a while would take some time to reminisce. However, to leave you sitting at the table feeling like a third wheel was inconsiderate of your feelings, if that's the topic that dominated the entire meal.
Teen Boy's Fig Leaf Silences Neighbor's Objection to Nudity
DEAR ABBY: I felt vindicated after reading your response to "Clothes-Minded in Wisconsin" (Dec. 31), who complained that her neighbors' 16-year-old son walks around his house nude. You advised her to put curtains on her window and call before dropping over for a visit.
My neighbor complained that when my 15-year-old son (now 17) changed clothes in his room, she could see through her kitchen window into his bedroom. She told me to tell him not to walk naked in front of his window. I wanted to tell her she should look away if she was offended, but everyone I asked seemed to side with her.
My son's solution? He drew a fig leaf and taped it to his window so her view of his "offensive nudity" would be blocked. I thought it was very creative -- and my neighbor never mentioned it again. -- STILL A GOOD NEIGHBOR
DEAR NEIGHBOR: Thanks for sharing your son's "fruitful" solution. In my reply to "Clothes-Minded," I stated that standards about nudity vary from family to family. And the responses I have received have reflected that. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Americans tend to view nudity as an invitation to sex. It need not be. I lived in Germany for five years. The apartment complex I lived in had a large outdoor pool for use in the summer. People of all ages and backgrounds used it regularly. Few, if any, ever wore a swimsuit. Nobody seemed to care, and there was never any evidence of problem behavior.
I'm not advocating public nudity. However, in certain settings, it is what it is -- natural. -- FRANK IN NAPLES, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are practicing naturists, and I agree with your response to "Clothes-Minded." You advised her to keep the curtains closed to avoid seeing the boy. Naturists know that we live in a "textile" world, and we respect the rights of those who do not wish to view our nudity and restrict our activity to clothing-optional beaches and resorts. I would advise the woman who wrote you to make her objection known -- anonymously, if speaking up would make her uncomfortable. It is the family's responsibility not to cause offense. -- AU NATUREL IN LOMBARD, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: What made my jaw drop was the neighbor's ability to describe exactly what time of day the young man appears in his kitchen every morning to eat breakfast (naked), and even what programs he watches on TV! Granted, this guy should put on a robe, but, Abby -- that woman needs to get a life. -- CANDY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: As a parent, it bothered me that you didn't contemplate the "other side of the fence." That neighbor should be considered a "peeping mom"! If she knows the young man's routine as well as she seems to, she's been peeping for a while.
Just because they have been neighbors for years and watched their children grow, does not mean she's not guilty of watching a little too closely. My advice to her: Keep your eyes to yourself. -- KIM IN HELENA, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: The circumstances differ, but that letter brought to mind the old story about the woman who called the police because she could see her neighbors in the next apartment building making love. The policeman looked through her window and said, "I can't see a thing." Her reply: "You can if you stand on the bed!" -- MARTIN IN PORT CHARLOTTE, FLA.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Active Fantasy Life Does Not Mean You Are Cheating
DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I have been talking, and we disagree on this. Is fantasizing about someone other than your partner cheating? I say no. What do you think? -- "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER," BRIDGETON, MO.
DEAR "BEAUTIFUL DREAMER": It is not unusual for people in the throes of passion -- or even walking down the street -- to take a fantasy side trip. It's not cheating and can enhance the experience.
However, for you and your co-workers to discuss sex at the office IS being "unfaithful" -- to your boss!
DEAR ABBY: After 10 years of marriage, I have come to a realization. I am a terrible housekeeper! I have tried learning to clean better, using new techniques or different equipment. My husband has begged, bribed and fought with me over picking up my stuff. We have a good relationship, though, and this is one of the only conflicts between us.
We by no means live in squalor, but our house is usually messy. Frankly, I'm not interested in housecleaning. I'm not lazy. I'm busy with two kids, volunteering at two different schools, preparing healthy meals, engaging in endless play, make-believe and kiddie craft projects.
My mom and grandmother were also somewhat laissez-faire about housekeeping. Their motto was always, "Happy children are more important than a clean house."
There are so many more interesting and important things to do; I get little satisfaction from housekeeping. Cleanliness is short-lived around here, anyway. I believe there are more messy homes out there than people admit. A little clutter never hurt anyone.
This problem is not family-threatening, but I would like your opinion on it. -- GOOD MOM IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR GOOD MOM: You asked for it -- and here it is. I agree that there are probably more messy homes out there than people admit. However, there is a difference between "clutter" and "not clean."
Your kitchen and bathrooms should be kept clean to safeguard the health of your children and spouse. If the problem is clothing in your bedroom that you have tossed all over, allow me to remind you that it takes only a moment to toss an item into the clothes hamper, hang it up or return it, folded, to the drawer from which you took it.
While I agree that "happy children are more important than a clean house," the two are not mutually exclusive. A disorganized house can also be a sign of a disorganized mind. You're setting a poor example for your children, who will grow up thinking this is acceptable -- just as you did. You should be teaching them to do their part, too.
P.S. Has it occurred to you to hire a housekeeper to come once or twice a month?
DEAR ABBY: My husband reads the newspaper at the dinner table almost every night in front of the children. He says it's the only time he has to read the paper.
Is it rude to read at the dinner table when there are four other people sitting there? -- INQUIRING MIND IN GEORGIA
DEAR INQUIRING MIND: It's not only rude, it's poor parenting. You're doing your part by having dinner on the table, but your husband is shirking his duty as a dad. The dinner hour is the ideal time for family conversation, for him to learn about what's going on in the children's lives and to discuss current events -- providing they are old enough. It is also a time for parents to "model" the kind of manners they want to pass on to their kids.
I don't know what your husband is doing AFTER dinner, but that would be the optimum time for him to catch up on the news rather than hiding from all of you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)