For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My closest friend, "Tina," who is married, has been having an affair for a few months. She has now decided she's no longer in love with her husband, "Hal," and wants a divorce. Tina and Hal have been in my life for several years and are like family to me.
Hal recently reached out to me for an explanation about Tina's 180-degree change in attitude, feelings and behavior. He is crushed and confused about why she wants a divorce. He told me he had asked her if she had been cheating. Of course, Tina lied to him.
I don't want to be the one to tell Hal what she's doing, but I feel I owe it to him. I'm disgusted with Tina, and it's killing me to see him in so much pain. What do you suggest? Am I really a friend if I don't tell, or should I continue keeping her dirty little secret? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN CORPUS CHRISTI
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Hal already suspects that Tina is cheating, or he wouldn't have asked for confirmation. If you "spill," it will cost you your friendship with Tina. However, from the tone of your letter, it appears that she's someone for whom you have lost respect anyway.
Tina's secret will be common knowledge soon. If you reveal it to Hal, he will not be thrilled to hear the news. There's a reason why people were afraid to give Caesar bad news. He had a habit of killing the messenger. So be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: My children have been cared for by a wonderful baby sitter I'll call "Sally" for two years. Mine are the only children Sally watches, and she has three of her own. Our families have a friendly relationship.
Once in a while I will stop at the grocery store on my way home, or take off from work early for a dental appointment or some personal time. It is rare, but it does happen. I always tell Sally because I want to be honest. When I do, sometimes she acts like I should have picked them up right away. I still get there on time -- sometimes early -- and I pay her well.
Is there an unwritten rule that sitters are only for when you are at work? I don't think I have abused her services, but sometimes I feel as though she thinks so. -- FEELING GUILTY IN ILLINOIS
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: If there was an unwritten rule that sitters are only for when you're at work, legions of parents would have no social life. Perhaps it's time for you to review the terms of your baby-sitting agreement with Sally. You are paying her for a service -- to watch your children between specific times. As long as you are there to pick them up on time, you have no reason to feel guilty.
And I see no reason why you feel compelled to explain to her if you choose to take a "detour." Perhaps she becomes annoyed because you're reminding her that you have free time and she doesn't.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Brady," and I do not share the same passions. I'm a gay rights activist and love animals. Brady is tolerant of gays, but does not love animals. (I have three cats.) Also, he is not altruistic.
"Something" is not right. I need to decide if I should go it alone because I have no intention of giving up my passions in life. What do you think? -- ON DIFFERENT PATHS IN TEXAS
DEAR ON DIFFERENT PATHS: I think you should continue on your own path until you find your soul mate. As nice a person as Brady may be, he's not "The One" -- and that's the "something" that isn't right.
Brothers' Checkered History Remains Hidden From Family
DEAR ABBY: My oldest brother, "Harry," has been dealing with drug and alcohol issues for more than 30 years. While I am not wealthy by any standards, barring any major catastrophes, my wife and I will be comfortable in our retirement.
Harry's adult kids are having problems taking care of him, and they, as well as my other adult siblings, seem to think I am "harsh and callous" for not helping.
What they don't know is that, as a child, Harry sexually abused me, and when I was in my 20s and in the military stationed overseas, he slept with my (now ex-) wife. What they have also conveniently forgotten is that a few years ago, I gave Harry several thousand dollars' worth of equipment to start a business. Instead of starting the business, he sold the equipment to buy booze and drugs.
Am I being too harsh? If not, how many of the details should I reveal to let the family know why I feel so little compassion? -- FED UP IN TEXAS
DEAR FED UP: Perhaps it's time you got it ALL off your chest. Considering everything that has transpired, I don't think you're being harsh or callous by not chipping in. And I see no reason why you should remain silent about the way you have been sexually and financially abused by your brother.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 17 years -- married to him for 10 -- and we still have our ups and downs.
Two years ago I was drinking a lot. We separated for a few months, but still slept with each other occasionally. My husband ended up sleeping with a co-worker and got her pregnant. I was devastated; however, we worked it out and stayed together.
But it's no longer the same. He tells me he loves me all the time, but sometimes I feel he's not happy with me and wants to be free. It's hard for me to trust him because he's still working with her.
My husband tells me he doesn't see her that often because he works in a warehouse and she's in the office. But it still makes me feel insecure.
How can I make things the way they used to be, before all of this? -- HURT IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR HURT: You can't make things the way they used to be because they are not the way they used to be. Rather than dwelling so much on the past, you should focus on the fact that your husband made his choice when he reconciled with you. If he didn't really love you, wild horses couldn't have dragged him back to you.
DEAR ABBY: I have known this man I'll call "Jesse" for 11 years, but I feel like I really don't know him at all. I have asked many people this question, but no one can give me an answer. Why would a man always answer a question with a question? -- JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION
DEAR JUST: A person who always answers a question with a question is someone who wants to avoid giving a straight answer.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Fondness for Fur Threatens to Smother Marriage Plans
DEAR ABBY: I recently moved in with my 41-year-old fiance, "Sean." He's a great guy, never married, no children, and I love him dearly.
I have discovered something disturbing about Sean. He has this "security fur" he can't part with. He told me he has used it since he was very young and says that the feel of it calms him down. However, I believe the "fur" has other uses besides being his security blanket.
When I became upset about it, Sean hid it from me. He only came clean (somewhat) after I told him I don't like finding those pieces of fur. I have found them in his bed, in his robe pocket, in between the sofa cushions, etc. How can I break him of this "habit"? It makes me uncomfortable, and I guess the truth is I'm somewhat jealous of the darn thing. Besides, it reminds me of a dead animal.
How can I get the fur out of both of our lives without destroying our relationship and jeopardizing our upcoming marriage? -- FUR-IOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FUR-IOUS: Over the years, I have received mail from more than a few readers who have told me they still have remnants of their baby blankets they're unable to part with -- and that touching the fabric calms them when they're agitated. However, because you suspect that your fiance may use the fur for "other things," it is important that you be clear on exactly what they are before you marry him.
My advice is to have a frank, nonthreatening chat with Sean -- in the presence of a marriage counselor, if necessary -- and get to the bottom of it. If Sean has a fur fetish -- and by that I mean he needs it for arousal -- you will have to decide if this "kink" is something you can live with.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 45-year-old man with a dilemma. Two years ago, I met a wonderful 22-year-old woman who has a terrible eating disorder. Over the last two years she has been hospitalized probably 18 months out of 24. Many people have come into her life and promised to be her friend, and all of them have given up on her as her parents have.
There was a time when I didn't miss a day of visiting her, sometimes driving an hour and a half one way. I was the only person going there and bringing her what she needed or wanted. What started as a friendship turned into a relationship. We love each other very much.
The age difference is a problem to some people -- the same ones who at one time didn't care enough to visit when she needed them the most. They say she won't live past the age of 25 because of the damage she has done to her body.
The short periods of time she has been out of the hospital we have traveled across the U.S. on little trips. She loved it, and so did I. All I want to do is make sure she enjoys what life she has left. I believe I'm doing the right thing. What do you think? -- IN LOVE IN ST. PAUL
DEAR IN LOVE: Your ladyfriend may be young, but you are both adults. Time is precious, and you should enjoy as much of it as you can together.
Also, unless you were told by her physician that she has only a short time to live, you shouldn't dwell too much on how long she has left. Happiness can be a great healer, and she could surprise everyone.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)