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Active Mom's Kidney Disease Comes as Unwelcome Surprise
DEAR ABBY: I was a healthy, vibrant mother of one with a steady government job. I saw my doctor regularly for checkups, since both my parents have high blood pressure. As an active, health-conscious vegetarian, I thought I was at my physical peak.
When I experienced nausea and lower back pain, I expected my doctor to tell me my 4-year-old daughter was going to have a sister or brother. Instead, I was informed that my kidneys were barely working and I needed to see a specialist at once. That's when my life began spinning out of control. I was told I would need dialysis to keep me alive!
How could this happen? Where were the warning signs and symptoms? Why wasn't my kidney function checked during previous doctor visits? There were no answers to these questions.
No one in my family was able to donate a kidney to me because everyone had high blood pressure. So I went on dialysis and learned everything I could about kidney disease. After 10 years of dialysis, I finally received a successful kidney transplant.
Many people don't realize that high blood pressure and diabetes are the two leading causes of kidney disease. More than 26 million Americans have chronic kidney disease, and millions more are at risk. Screening for kidney function is not part of a routine physical examination, and kidney disease generally shows no symptoms -- so if you have a family history of high blood pressure or diabetes, you are at risk.
Simple blood and urine tests could save your life. So please don't put off what you can take care of today. Tomorrow could be too late. -- DAWN P. EDWARDS, LAKE SUCCESS, N.Y.
DEAR DAWN: Thank you for your informative eye-opener of a letter. I am pleased that you finally got your kidney transplant because I know what a life-changing difference it has made for you and your daughter -- truly a new beginning.
Readers, March is National Kidney Month, and March 13 is World Kidney Day. That's the day the National Kidney Foundation holds free screenings in 30 cities across the country. The screening program is called "KEEP," or Kidney Early Evaluation Program.
You can learn more about kidney disease by visiting � HYPERLINK "http://www.kidney.org" ��www.kidney.org�. To find the KEEP screening nearest you, log onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.keeponline.org" ��www.keeponline.org�, or call the National Kidney Foundation toll-free at 800-622-9010.
DEAR ABBY: I have been going through a very selective interview process toward getting the job of my dreams. The problem is, I have a vacation planned for three months from now. When is the correct time to inform my prospective employer of this preplanned, prepaid and non-refundable trip? (It's my husband's dream vacation, and I would hate to have to let him down.) -- MS. PROFESSIONAL IN CLEVELAND, GA.
DEAR MS. PROFESSIONAL: Inform your prospective employer immediately that you have a prepaid vacation planned. The person doing the hiring will respect you for doing so, and you should not lose out on the "job of your dreams."
I am speaking from personal experience when I say this because when I hired my personal assistant, Sherry, she let me know during the interview that she had not one but two trips planned. I respected her candor, hired her, and consider her to be one of the major blessings in my life.
Dad Suspects Guilty Secret Is Causing Mom's Instability
DEAR ABBY: I have had sole custody of my three children from a previous marriage for the past 10 years. Their mother, "Nadine," has mental health issues that prevent her from being a competent parent. She has let them down countless times and has caused emotional scars. As a result, the children have limited contact with Nadine, even though she lives nearby.
Our oldest daughter, "Holly," who is now 22, has chosen not to speak to her mom for more than a year. I believe part of Nadine's mental troubles stem from a secret she has been keeping. I have suspected for years that Holly is not my biological daughter. And if she's not, I know the identity of her biological father.
Do I tell Holly? Do I get a paternity test to find out for sure? My concern is for Holly. Does she have the right to know -- especially for understanding her genetic and medical history? I am not worried about our relationship. I love her, and we have a strong father/daughter bond that will not be affected by DNA. -- HOLLY'S DAD, IRMO, S.C.
DEAR DAD: For the reason you have stated, the test should be done. For one thing, Holly may turn out to be your daughter after all, and your suspicions would be put to rest. For another, if there are medical issues that run in her biological father's family, she should absolutely know what they are.
DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in October to "Olivia," the woman I am meant to be with. After the wedding, we both want to start a family. I love Olivia and am thrilled with the idea of having children. I worry a lot, though, about what kind of world we will be bringing a child into. I worry about terrorism and global warming. I don't want my child to be scared for his/her safety and uncertain about the future. Can you advise me, Abby? -- REALIST IN BROWNS MILLS, N.J.
DEAR REALIST: There are few thinking people these days who don't share the same concerns that you do. The truth is, having children is an act of faith -- an optimistic "investment" in the future. No one has any guarantees that he or she can bring a child into a world free of problems. However, if we live prudently and put forth our best efforts to resolve the problems we face today, the chances are better that the next generation will have fewer of them to cope with.
DEAR ABBY: Could you please share suggestions on how to offer support to someone who is grieving?
Well-meaning friends have used my loss as an opportunity to relive their past losses with grisly and sad details. One friend described in detail her husband's final days. I was so emotionally fragile, I could not argue or defend myself.
Perhaps these people are trying to relate, but it's torture. It's thoughtless and selfish. I have a feeling I'm not the only person who has suffered through this ignorance. -- GRIEVING ALONE IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRIEVING ALONE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your loved one.
Readers, the above letter conveys an important message. What the writer's "well-meaning friends" did happens all too often. It is enough to simply convey one's condolences when someone you know has experienced a death in the family. If the person wants to talk, he or she will let you know by starting a conversation. If not, to begin discussing the details of your own loss is, to say the least, insensitive, intrusive and not helpful.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom Advises Teen to Trade Old Friends in for New Ones
DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and in high school. I would say I have a lot of friends, but very few do I consider real friends. You see, my "friends" like to tease me and call me fat.
Before this all started, I was fine with my appearance and thought I was a normal size. Now I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself. I find myself not eating as much as I used to and thinking negative thoughts. Every time I try to tell them to stop, they make fun of me more.
My mom tells me to make new friends, but I have known them for so long and it's too hard to make new friends. Please tell me what to do. -- FEELING FAT IN CALI
DEAR FEELING FAT: The people you describe do not sound like "friends" to me. Friends don't ridicule each other, particularly when they are told it is hurtful.
Although the idea of making new friends may seem daunting, your mother is on the right track. It's time to involve yourself in activities that do not involve the kids you have been hanging out with -- a church group, volunteering, sports, dance classes, even a part-time job. All of these will help you meet new people, and once you do, I'm sure you will find friends. Almost anything would be better than those who are putting you down under the guise of "humor."
DEAR ABBY: You ask your readers to share their pet peeves with you. Well, here's mine: I cannot overemphasize how annoying it is when people try to send a fax and enter the number of the phone line.
I am an assistant in a busy office. At least three times a week someone will try to send a fax and dial our main office number by mistake. I answer the phones and hear the high-pitched BEEP. Once wouldn't be that big a deal, but often the sender has walked away from his or her fax machine and it redials again and again. It is annoying and a waste of my time.
Please advise people to first double-check to make sure they have the correct fax number, and second, not to walk away from the machine until they're certain the fax is going through. This should be common sense, but I see less and less common sense these days. Thanks, Abby. -- FRUSTRATED IN COLORADO
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I'm printing your letter, but there is no guarantee it will resolve your problems. Of course it makes sense to check the number one is calling or faxing, but from what I have observed, people are trying so hard these days to race through their work assignments, that mistakes keep piling up to the point where efficiency suffers. Maybe it's time to simply slow down and quit multitasking.
DEAR ABBY: At a business lunch or dinner, if one member at the table bows his or her head to say grace silently, what is the proper thing for the others at the table to do? Join in, wait silently or ignore the behavior? -- CHRISTY IN DENISON, IOWA
DEAR CHRISTY: The polite thing to do would be to wait for the person to finish. You are under no obligation to join in if you prefer not to.
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