What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Fondness for Fur Threatens to Smother Marriage Plans
DEAR ABBY: I recently moved in with my 41-year-old fiance, "Sean." He's a great guy, never married, no children, and I love him dearly.
I have discovered something disturbing about Sean. He has this "security fur" he can't part with. He told me he has used it since he was very young and says that the feel of it calms him down. However, I believe the "fur" has other uses besides being his security blanket.
When I became upset about it, Sean hid it from me. He only came clean (somewhat) after I told him I don't like finding those pieces of fur. I have found them in his bed, in his robe pocket, in between the sofa cushions, etc. How can I break him of this "habit"? It makes me uncomfortable, and I guess the truth is I'm somewhat jealous of the darn thing. Besides, it reminds me of a dead animal.
How can I get the fur out of both of our lives without destroying our relationship and jeopardizing our upcoming marriage? -- FUR-IOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FUR-IOUS: Over the years, I have received mail from more than a few readers who have told me they still have remnants of their baby blankets they're unable to part with -- and that touching the fabric calms them when they're agitated. However, because you suspect that your fiance may use the fur for "other things," it is important that you be clear on exactly what they are before you marry him.
My advice is to have a frank, nonthreatening chat with Sean -- in the presence of a marriage counselor, if necessary -- and get to the bottom of it. If Sean has a fur fetish -- and by that I mean he needs it for arousal -- you will have to decide if this "kink" is something you can live with.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 45-year-old man with a dilemma. Two years ago, I met a wonderful 22-year-old woman who has a terrible eating disorder. Over the last two years she has been hospitalized probably 18 months out of 24. Many people have come into her life and promised to be her friend, and all of them have given up on her as her parents have.
There was a time when I didn't miss a day of visiting her, sometimes driving an hour and a half one way. I was the only person going there and bringing her what she needed or wanted. What started as a friendship turned into a relationship. We love each other very much.
The age difference is a problem to some people -- the same ones who at one time didn't care enough to visit when she needed them the most. They say she won't live past the age of 25 because of the damage she has done to her body.
The short periods of time she has been out of the hospital we have traveled across the U.S. on little trips. She loved it, and so did I. All I want to do is make sure she enjoys what life she has left. I believe I'm doing the right thing. What do you think? -- IN LOVE IN ST. PAUL
DEAR IN LOVE: Your ladyfriend may be young, but you are both adults. Time is precious, and you should enjoy as much of it as you can together.
Also, unless you were told by her physician that she has only a short time to live, you shouldn't dwell too much on how long she has left. Happiness can be a great healer, and she could surprise everyone.
RENEWAL OF VOWS CAN EARN WOWS EVEN ON TIGHT BUDGET
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't help but be touched by the letter from Steve W. in Phoenix (Jan. 12), the retired Vietnam vet who wanted to give his wife of 40 years the "full-blown wedding she deserved."
My husband and I are retired and recently celebrated our 30th with a "renewal of vows" ceremony. It doesn't have to break the bank.
We planned a year in advance and saved money just for that occasion. I wore a secondhand wedding gown. My daughter and I shopped for decorations (instead of flowers) at the dollar store. It was beautiful.
Since I am retired military, I was able to use the chapel and the club on base, which was quite reasonable. But there are all kinds of other relatively inexpensive options for a reception -- local fire hall, church basement or, in the summer, a public park.
My grown children are musicians, and they "gifted" us with their music at the chapel. We hired a DJ -- which didn't cost much -- and friends took photos and videos for us.
Abby, our first wedding was nice, but it was mostly for others. Our second wedding was for me and my husband -- and it was everything we hoped it would be. -- BOBBIE IN NORRISTOWN, PA.
DEAR BOBBIE: Congratulations on your 30th anniversary, and thank you for sharing your experience with me and my readers. Read on for several excellent comments and suggestions from others:
DEAR ABBY: You don't have to spend a lot of money for a renewal of vows. If you belong to a church, it will usually donate use of its social hall or sanctuary. The church surely will have some talented members who can help with decorations. Food shouldn't be a problem -- you can do punch/coffee/cake for less than $50. The entire event could be handled for under $300.
To Steve W.'s "children": Think of your parents. You don't know how long you'll have them. Chip in (yes, use some of YOUR money) and make this a memorable occasion for them. -- BECKI IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: We asked our new priest if he would give us a special blessing on our 45th. To our surprise, we were called up to the altar after Mass, and he renewed our vows in front of the entire congregation.
Since then, the priest has done this for other couples. Some dress up and wear corsages. Pews are reserved for family and friends. What a beautiful tradition he has started. The congregation is happy to be included in this wonderful event. There is no cost involved. Afterward couples can have a small reception in their homes. -- BOB AND KAREN IN EAST MOLINE, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have survived a lot in our marriage, and are each other's best friend and soul mate. When we decided to renew our vows, we found a good deal on a three-day trip to Las Vegas last April, and had the ceremony at an Elvis chapel there. Please tell Steve that if his wife liked Elvis, having an impersonator officiate the ceremony, then sing and escort your "bride" is an awesome way to do it. Our four kids still laugh and dance to our DVD copy almost a year later.
Airlines and hotels always have deals for going to Vegas, and since you are married already, no license or minister is necessary. Silly as it sounds, it's a great time your wife will never forget. -- LORIANN IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR ABBY: For their 50th anniversary, my siblings and I decided to give our parents the big wedding they never had. Their sacrifice, love and spiritual guidance have shown us how to live wonderful lives. We gave them the party we could afford. The happiness on their faces that day will warm our hearts forever. Dad still asks, "How much did it cost?" to which I kiddingly respond, "That's none of your business!" -- HAPPY IN TEXAS
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Even Furry Pets Need Shelter When the Winter Winds Blow
DEAR ABBY: I have seen several dogs and cats left outside in below-zero weather this winter. Yes, animals have fur to help them keep warm, but that doesn't mean they don't get cold (even in dog houses). People get cold staying outside for an extended amount of time, even when bundled up, so imagine how the animals feel. These innocent animals can suffer from frostbite and hypothermia just like humans.
Won't you please remind your readers that pets should be brought inside on cold days and nights? -- ANIMAL LOVER IN NORFOLK, N.Y.
DEAR ANIMAL LOVER: While some breeds of dogs fare better in cold weather than others, all of them need interaction with their guardians. The animals you observed may have been left in the cold out of ignorance on the part of the humans with whom they co-exist.
I don't care how furry some of our furry friends appear to be. Check with your veterinarian to see when your breed should be brought indoors.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced single mother with a 13-year-old daughter I'll call "Gia." We live next door to an attractive 62-year-old widow I'll call "Doris," who has become like a grandmother to Gia and a dear friend to me.
Last night I went to my daughter's room and found her standing on a stool in her closet looking out a small window into Doris' bedroom. When I asked Gia what she was doing, she didn't answer, so I climbed up on the stool to see for myself. Abby, Doris was in bed with her son, "Jeff," having sex. I could hardly believe my eyes!
Jeff is 36 and a mama's boy. He has his own home but visits his mother often. Gia said she has watched them many times since we moved here four years ago, and described some of the things she's seen.
I'm not sure how to handle this. Doris is very close to us, and Gia seems unaffected when we get together for dinner or the movies, etc.
Should I tell Doris and Jeff that I saw them? And what do I say to my daughter, who has been "educated" beyond her years? -- SEEN ENOUGH, CHAMPAIGN, ILL.
DEAR SEEN ENOUGH: You should definitely tell Doris that your daughter has been getting an eyeful from her closet window, and strongly suggest that Doris' curtains be closed when Jeff is "visiting." And if you haven't already talked to your daughter about sex -- and appropriate behavior -- it's time you played catch-up, so don't delay.
I would find it hard to continue a friendship with a woman in an incestuous relationship with her son. They're in serious need of counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I am an assistant librarian in New Mexico. My daughter recently told me she's going to convert to Buddhism. I'm perplexed by her choice. I want to support her because her aunt is also a Buddhist, but I wasn't raised Buddhist.
What advice can you give me? -- LONGTIME READER
DEAR LONGTIME READER: As an assistant librarian, you're surrounded by books. The time has come to pick up a couple and start reading about Buddhism and Buddhist philosophy. If you're near a computer, Google it. You'll find an abundance of information on the subject. I would also recommend that you attend a couple of meetings with your daughter. That way, you'll have a better understanding of what she -- and her aunt -- are attracted to.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)