For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Romantic TV Ads Raise Bar Too High for Real Life Men
DEAR ABBY: My husband gets aggravated with romantic commercials on television -- the ones where men do sweet things for their wives, like putting jewelry on them while they sleep, or pulling out that special gift at the dinner table. He says the commercials try to make men feel guilty because they aren't like the ones portrayed.
I have tried telling him that men are, indeed, this way, but I couldn't think of any examples other than my brother and my father, who are very romantic.
There are more than two men who excel at romance, aren't there? Don't most men know how to sweep a woman off her feet? -- KELLY IN AUSTIN
DEAR KELLY: Although I haven't taken a poll, I'm guessing that a majority of men know how to sweep a woman off her feet -- which is why the species has survived. However, your husband has a point. Gifts are not the only way to make someone special feel loved.
Commercials are created in order to manipulate the public into buying, and if the amount of consumer debt being carried by U.S. households is any indication, that strategy has been extremely successful.
While diamonds may be "a girl's best friend," most women know that a life partner who gives them attention, affection, praise and assistance when they need it is a jewel more precious than any stone could ever be.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Russell," and I have been together almost five years. He recently started school to become a plumber. The problem is, Russell has dyslexia and is struggling in school. When I try to help him with his homework, he becomes defensive. He knows he needs tutoring, but hasn't put forth any effort into seeking help.
There's a test he needs to pass before his next class starts in May. He has already failed it once. How can I help him? -- DESPERATE GIRLFRIEND
DEAR DESPERATE: Different people have different learning styles. Some people learn from books while others learn more easily by watching how things are done.
Encourage Russell to check at his school to see if anyone there could refer him to a tutor specializing in learning disorders. He could also check to see if any of the local plumbing companies offer an apprenticeship program that will provide him with on-the-job training rather than classwork.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please advise me on how to tell our computer friends not to send "junk" e-mail? My husband and I are annoyed with all the chain letters, jokes, cartoons, opinion letters, cutesy pictures, etc. we are receiving. I don't bother to read them, but deleting them is time-consuming.
Why do people assume we're interested when we never asked for this kind of stuff? All it does is fill up our mailboxes.
I stopped passing along this form of entertainment years ago, but people still keep sending the rubbish, even when I politely ask them to stop. Changing my e-mail address won't help. I want to correspond with friends, and do not want to hurt their feelings. I just want to eliminate the trash. Any suggestions on what we can say or do to stop the junk? -- OVERFLOWING IN TRAVERSE CITY, MICH.
DEAR OVERFLOWING: Maybe you're being too polite. You need to be firm and specific. Reply to an unwanted e-mail by telling the sender that you aren't interested in this kind of "entertainment." Eventually, your friends will get the message.
HUSBAND REFUSES TO GIVE WIFE THE CHILD SHE INTENSELY CRAVES
DEAR ABBY: "Brett" and I have been married for six years. We have no children, although I would dearly love to have one. Brett has a child from a previous relationship.
When I bring up the subject of having a child, he agrees, but when I tell him I am ovulating, he says he's too tired to try, or he makes up another excuse.
I have asked for a divorce several times, but Brett says he will not divorce me. This is extremely frustrating for me. He knows I am taking prenatal pills and buying ovulation kits. I have also threatened to get artificially inseminated or to adopt. I feel as if I'm living in hell. What do I do? -- ACHING TO BE A MOMMY
DEAR ACHING: Forget about artificial insemination or adopting without your husband's support, unless you are ready to raise a child by yourself. Your husband has serious issues about becoming a father again, and it's time you found out what they are. Marriage counseling might help you get to the bottom of it.
That said, you do not need your husband's permission to end this marriage. If you have reached your limit, consult an attorney who specializes in family law. If you married Brett with the understanding that there would be children, you may qualify for an annulment.
DEAR ABBY: I work in retail, and I'm having a problem I am not sure how to handle. Customers almost constantly touch my hands and shoulders. I feel it is an intentional invasion of my personal space.
Many customers have grabbed me by the arm to pull me with them to find where certain items are located. I have a friendly face, and I'm willing to help people, but I do not like being touched. What can I say to make it clear to customers that this is not OK? -- NICKI IN MARYLAND
DEAR NICKI: Discuss this with your supervisor, and ask if your employer has a policy in place regarding touching. One way to solve the problem would be to make sure to stay out of arm's reach. Another might be to see if there is something else you can do in the store that would give you less contact with customers.
If that's not possible, consider looking for a job in something other than retail. But to tell someone that a touch on the hand, arm or shoulder is unwelcome could lose you -- and the store -- a customer, and I don't recommend it.
DEAR ABBY: I am newly married and have discovered how skilled my husband's family is at finding the cloud in every silver lining.
What advice can you offer so I can diplomatically steer our conversations toward more positive topics? With Easter here, please help me maintain my sanity around these sour relatives. -- SUNNY-SIDE UP, ALTOONA, PA.
DEAR SUNNY: When your in-laws raise an unpleasant subject, try this. Smile and say, "This is such a wonderful occasion. Let's have a good time and talk about happy things!" Then change the subject.
TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: Happy Easter, everyone!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Feels Invisible When Dining Out With Husband
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman who told you her pet peeve was that when she and her friends went to restaurants, they were addressed as "you guys" by the servers.
Now let me share my pet peeve: What really frosts me is the way some waiters address only my husband. They greet only him when we arrive, and thank only him when we leave. Apparently I am invisible! If they don't value my business, why should I give it to them? -- LORRAINE IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.
DEAR LORRAINE: No law says you must. The servers you describe must be using an outdated etiquette book. Their behavior harkens back to the days when males were presumed to be sole providers, expected to pay the tab, and often placed the food order for their companions so the fragile little things wouldn't have to bother speaking to the person taking the order. (In some establishments, women were handed separate menus with no prices listed because the very mention of money was vulgar.)
Because you rightly feel that you have been treated rudely, have a word with the manager of the restaurant and explain that you won't be eating there again because you were not made to feel welcome. Then take your business elsewhere.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I was assisting with a local talent show and received a handwritten note from a parent expressing how much her child enjoyed being in the show and that she appreciated my efforts. It was unexpected and brightened my day.
I decided I would try to find someone to thank whenever possible, and have since mailed many little notes. I wrote to thank my daughter's bus driver for being kind, prompt and safe all year. I contacted a store manager to compliment him on a cashier who was exceptionally helpful and cheerful.
I hear so many people complain, sometimes misdirecting their anger at whoever is in their path. Impatient drivers sound their horns relentlessly. Neighbors threaten to sue each other. Enough, already! The power of a thank-you note goes beyond good manners. It's a great pick-me-up to receive a little thank-you now and then. -- GRATEFUL NOTE WRITER, BRECKSVILLE, OHIO
DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you for writing. It's interesting that what started you penning thank-you notes was receiving one. Most people cultivate this social skill because they were taught to do so by a parent.
Thank-you notes do not need to be long or fancy, and should reflect one's spontaneous reaction for someone making an effort on your behalf -- giving exceptional service, entertaining you or treating you to a meal, or upon receipt of a gift. It can be simple: "The dinner was delightful, the company even more so. Thank you for including me." Or: "The gift is beautiful. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of your thoughtfulness and generosity. Thank you!" A sentence or two can be more eloquent than a paragraph.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Patti" always brags to me about how many guys try to talk to her. When she tells me, sometimes I change the subject and act as if I don't hear her -- mainly because I'm not in a relationship right now, and I can't possibly be happy for her when things are so bad for me. Am I being a bad friend? -- FEELING GUILTY IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Because you're not getting the kind of attention you crave at the moment shouldn't mean you're not happy for Patti. But for her to gloat about her embarrassment of riches while you're starving for attention is immature and not very nice, either. From where I sit, neither one of you is being a particularly supportive friend to the other.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)