For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Co Workers' Endless Chatter Drives Impatient Listener Mad
DEAR ABBY: My problem is, I have lost the art of listening. When someone takes too long to get to the point, or includes irrelevant details, I completely lose patience. I work in a medical office with the same small group of women every day, and I like my job. However, I find myself trying to keep "extra busy" to avoid the boring, mundane chatter about things I don't care about.
Am I becoming an anti-social snob, or is there a way to participate in a conversation while resisting the temptation to roll my eyes and hurry someone along with my hands? I am not particularly chatty, and I don't divulge many details of my personal life -- so is it wrong to no longer care about the details of everyone else's? -- VERBALLY OVERLOADED
DEAR VERBALLY OVERLOADED: We usually get what we give in life. If you would like to receive empathy from those around you (should the need arise), then my advice is to be prepared to show some. Because you don't have time to listen to long stories, it's acceptable in an office setting to say that you are busy and have a limited amount of time to chat. In other words, if you're "verbally overloaded" -- verbalize.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had our first child, a beautiful baby girl, nine months ago. We chose a name for our daughter while I was pregnant, but my in-laws refuse to use her first name. They insist on calling her a diminutive of her middle name. Now the whole family is doing it.
At first they claimed that some distant cousin (whom we have never met) had the same name. Now they say, "We don't like her first name, so we're going to call her ( )."
How can we convince them to call her by her given name? -- NEW MOM IN AUSTIN
DEAR NEW MOM: Your in-laws' behavior is rude and disrespectful. Tell them that unless they're prepared for their grandchild to call them "UNCLE Charles and AUNT Martha," they should get used to calling your daughter by the name you chose for her. If they refuse, limit their time with her until she's old enough to understand who she is so they won't confuse her.
DEAR ABBY: I'm "Troubled in North Carolina," whose letter you published on Feb. 23. Thank you for printing it. You will be happy to know that after the length of time you suggested, I did contact "Bethany." You nailed it. She did, in fact, go back to her ex-boyfriend. I'm OK with it, but what is disappointing is, she broke up with me by e-mail. I guess she didn't have the courage to face me.
After I wrote to you, I decided I wouldn't sit around and wait like a "sad puppy." I've been on a few dates and have met a lot of great women, but haven't settled yet. That's the thing: I'm not going to "settle."
There are so many times when "we men" can't open up and share how we feel. Thank you for being someone that "we" can talk to (even if it isn't really a conversation.) -- NO LONGER TROUBLED IN JACKSONVILLE, N.C.
DEAR NO LONGER TROUBLED: You're welcome. I'm pleased I could be a sounding board for you. I'm also pleased you jumped right back into the dating pool. Although Bethany may have had many admirable qualities, the fact that she took the easy way out and ended the relationship by e-mail rather than facing you is a clue to her character. You deserve better, and you shouldn't settle for less.
Wife Misses Ex's Friendship After Years of Breaking Up
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have remained friends and lovers for the past 37 years. We maintained a relationship that included shared vacations and socializing together. We even talked of living in a retirement home together one day.
Three months ago, he stopped communicating with me. A month later, he sent me a greeting card telling me to "remember our good times always."
My heart has not mended. I cry continuously. I have not contacted him, but I know I deserve more than this because of the nature of our relationship. Abby, how do I handle these emotions, my future, and the social and family events that will be coming up? -- GRIEVING IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR GRIEVING: Under the circumstances, your feelings -- and your tears -- are normal. You are grieving for your lost husband. This is a process you should have gone through 37 years ago, when the marriage ended. But because you continued behaving as husband and wife, the strings remained tied.
It would be healthier for you if you had some closure. By that I mean if he had explained why he was ceasing communication. After all this time you deserve some answers -- even if they're painful to hear.
You may need professional counseling to handle your emotions. As to the social and family events that are scheduled, ask a friend to accompany you. Your future will take care of itself.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s, single, and have bought a house. There is no man in my future. My parents helped me by giving me the down payment. They expect me to pay them back plus interest.
My parents paid for both my sisters' weddings and also helped with the expense for my brother's wedding. Since they didn't have to pay for a wedding for me, I think the down payment should be considered "wedding money," and I should not be required to pay it back. What is your opinion? -- JILTED DOWN SOUTH
DEAR JILTED: What bothers me about your letter is the sense of entitlement it conveys. I assume that at the time your parents loaned you the money, you agreed to the terms. If that's the case, then you should abide by them. You are fortunate your parents were willing (and able) to help you. Residential loans are not easy to get right now.
DEAR ABBY: I always find the letters you print about "pennies from heaven" intriguing. I lost a dear friend to a serious illness a few years ago. I was at work the day after her death, and we were having a severe, unseasonable thunderstorm. I had to wait until it was over to get to my car.
As I approached my car, I noticed a shiny penny -- not on the ground, but on the back of my windshield! The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I immediately thought of my friend Lisa. She must have known that I had been berating myself for not having been there for her while she was at her sickest point. In my heart, I feel that the penny was Lisa's way of telling me she forgave me for not being a better friend. -- WISH I HAD A SECOND CHANCE
DEAR WISH: Regret is the cancer of life. Rather than looking backward, resolve to do better in the future. We find forgiveness where we look for it -- and if finding the penny was a comfort to you, then it has served its purpose.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Booklet of Special Columns Is Most Definitely a 'Keeper'
DEAR ABBY: When I was in my teens, my mom had a publication of yours that included poems and special columns from the Dear Abby archives. I loved to pick it up from time to time and look at it. Among my favorites of the many varied items inside was the prayer for a family pet. It helped me greatly when our dog, "Blondie," reached the end of her life.
There were also a couple of pieces about the harm done by gossip, which I found especially relevant to my life as a teenager.
I am now a mom, and my daughter is 12. I don't know what became of my family's copy of that booklet, but I would love to have another one to share with my daughter. I think she'd get a kick out of many of the poems and essays -- and frankly, I would also enjoy revisiting some of them myself, this time from an adult perspective. Is that publication still available? -- JENNA IN GAMBRILLS, MD.
DEAR JENNA: Yes, the booklet is still available.
Over the years, readers have requested that I rerun articles that have special meaning for them. Readers told me that some of my columns had been clipped and saved until they were yellowed with age and falling apart.
Then they suggested that the special letters, poems and essays be assembled as a booklet. It is titled "Keepers" because so many Dear Abby readers have kept them to reread.
You can order a copy by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Keepers, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
Many people have told me that "Keepers" makes a welcome gift for newlyweds, new parents, animal lovers, or anyone who is recovering from an illness because it's a quick and easy read, and filled with wisdom and humor on a wide variety of topics.
DEAR ABBY: My wife is a pug nut. She has two ugly dogs, and she lets them sleep with us. The dogs snore and break wind all night, and she thinks it's cute. If I snore or break wind, she tells me it's annoying.
She dresses these dogs in expensive gowns and pearls. Now she expects me to drive them 1,200 miles to our vacation home, while she flies. She also wants to buy a third dog. What do I do? -- NO. 4 IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR NO. 4: People usually get the kind of treatment they're willing to tolerate. In most marriages, the spouse takes precedence over the pets -- regardless of how beloved those pets may be.
If I -- or my husband -- had been in your situation, the pugs would have been slumbering together in their own little bed since the beginning. However, because you have failed to draw the line, you have given your wife implied consent. Unless you're ready to stand on your hind legs and demand to be treated better than the four-legged members of your household, you'll have to move a little closer to the edge of the bed and have your vehicle checked before you embark on your 1,200-mile trip.