Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Richie," and I have been together three years. Richie watches his pennies, so I was very surprised two days before Valentine's Day to return from a family trip and find a gorgeous vase of professionally arranged flowers and a small heart-shaped box of chocolates on my coffee table.
I was very impressed, surprised and excited. I asked Richie where he got them, and he told me the name of a high-priced florist. I was off work the day before Valentine's Day, so I went out, bought expensive wine and filet mignon and made a fantastic home-cooked meal for him.
When Richie got home from work, I asked him again where he got the flowers, and he again named the florist. I asked if he really went and got them, and if they were really intended for me. (It was just so out of character for him to splurge like that. The arrangement must have cost at least $100.) When he didn't respond, I probed some more. He finally confessed they were from a funeral his parents had attended the day before I got home.
Can you believe Richie was trying to pass off flowers from a complete stranger's funeral as nice flowers he got me for Valentine's Day? He lied to me. Now he says I'm ungrateful and that there's nothing wrong with what he did! I told him he is greedy and cheap, and the thoughtful thing to do with leftover funeral flowers would have been to take them to a cancer ward at a hospital or to a local nursing home.
What do you think? Am I overreacting? I'm afraid this may be a deal-breaker. -- ANN IN GRAND RAPIDS, MICH.
DEAR ANN: You're not overreacting. Your feelings are justified. You now know exactly what kind of things Richie is capable of -- and being generous to make you happy is not on his agenda. Wake up and smell the flowers. You have glimpsed what your future will be like if you marry him. When it comes to making you happy, Richie will always be playing the angles, and you will be shortchanged because he is cheap.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please suggest a response that will end the conversation when someone comments in a negative way on how young I look, and asks what I have done? I'm 69, but look a decade younger.
I grew up plain and poor, but became a successful professional and changed my appearance. I have had hair and makeup lessons, advice on clothing and cosmetic surgery.
I often receive rude comments from both strangers and acquaintances who have chosen to age "naturally." I'm not interested in answering their sly questions about cosmetic surgery, but because I'm usually accosted in social settings, I don't want to be rude. I just want to make them realize that I consider their questions impolite and want them to shut up. Any ideas? -- PRETTY CAN BE BOUGHT, WACO, TEXAS
DEAR PRETTY (Regardless of how you got that way): Has it not occurred to you to be proud of what you have accomplished? You are a successful professional, and you should enjoy it and all of the "perks" that go with it. You may have grown up plain and poor, but you have turned yourself into a "swan." Why are you defensive about it? If you can help another woman by sharing information, it would be the generous thing to do.
Mom Gets Plenty of Support to Kick Sons Out the Door
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Stressed-Out Mom," the retired woman whose two (employed) sons, ages 22 and 24, live with her for free (Jan. 7), that the only "mistake" she has made was not requiring them to behave like adults before now. Taking responsibility and being accountable are signs of adulthood. Taking advantage of anyone, including Mom, and being a free-loader are signs of immaturity. -- RAISING SONS IN WHARTON, N.J.
DEAR RAISING SONS: My readers overwhelmingly agree the time has come for "Stressed-Out's" "boys" to act like the adults they are and stop behaving like children. If they refuse to cooperate, then it's time for mom to show them the door -- to the real world. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As you already know, "Stressed-Out's" problem is nothing new to baby boomer parents. We have brought it on ourselves.
We've enjoyed better economic times and freedom than our parents did. Because of this, we have actually encouraged our children to be more materialistic and irresponsible. We haven't helped them develop skills to manage their affairs and become responsible human beings.
If "Stressed-Out" finds it difficult to get her grown sons to pay a minimal sum to ease her financial situation at retirement, she should consider moving to a smaller place, which will be less comfortable for them.
I am preparing my teenage son to become independent and self-sufficient. I'd rather have the stress involved in doing it now than face it later. We parents owe this to our children and society in general. -- INGRID D., OTTAWA, CANADA
DEAR ABBY: I, too, have an adult son who lives with me. I had never asked him to contribute to the household expenses until last year when I became disabled and unable to work. He jumped at the chance to help me. He has assumed many of the day-to-day responsibilities of running the household and contributes half the cost of the mortgage and utilities.
There is nothing wrong with adult children enjoying the benefits of living at home, as long as they appreciate what they've been given and are prepared to give back when it's their turn. -- CHERYL M., DUBLIN, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in regard to the two adult males who still live with their mother. She said she had recently retired and her income has dropped by half. Her sons are whining about having to help her pay her bills? Welcome to reality! Those of us who have grown into adults pay bills. We do our part. Their mom has done her job. The time has come for them to quit being spoiled little boys and become men. -- TERRI T., TRENTON, N.J.
DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for that recently retired mom who generously offered her two deadbeat sons the low amount of $30 a week rent. Take out the following in the local paper: "2 rooms for rent. $50 a week each. Home cooking included. Available NOW." Then circle it, cut it out and tape it to the fridge. When the calls start coming, they'll be begging to pay that 30 bucks! -- MIKE R., SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Should an overnight guest in someone's home remake the bed on the day he or she is leaving, or strip off the sheets since they are going to be washed anyway? -- CHECKING OUT IN CANADA
DEAR CHECKING OUT: Because the sheets will have to be laundered before the bed is made up for the next person using it, the sheets should be stripped. But whether your host would prefer to be the one who does it is something only he or she can answer, so that's whom you should ask.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Timely Screening for Cancer Can Save Thousands of Lives
DEAR ABBY: America is making steady progress in the war against colon cancer. It's largely because of early detection and improved treatments. However, there's more to be done, and here is where I need your help.
Abby, colon cancer remains the third-leading cause of cancer deaths in both men and women in the United States, with about 50,000 deaths expected this year. The good news is that colon cancer is one of the two cancers (the other is cervical cancer) that can be prevented through regular screening. Colon cancer tests allow doctors to find and remove growths (called "polyps") before they become cancerous, thereby preventing cancer. Furthermore, these screening tests can also detect cancer at an earlier, more curable stage.
Unfortunately, many Americans still aren't getting lifesaving tests for colon cancer. Only four out of 10 Americans get the recommended screening. Therefore, only 39 percent of the new cases are found at an early stage, when a cure is most possible. A substantial number of the 50,000 deaths expected from colon cancer this year could have been avoided with wider use of proven screening tests.
As always, the American Cancer Society is here to offer help, including a free information kit to make it easy for people to talk to their doctor about colon cancer testing. -- ELMER E. HUERTA, M.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY
DEAR DR. HUERTA: Thank you for reminding me to remind my readers that March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness month. We all know that testing saves lives, and it is my hope that because of your letter, Dear Abby readers will become more aware of the importance of getting tested for colon cancer and will talk to their doctor about having the tests done beginning at age 50.
Readers, for more information about this important subject, call (800) 227-2345 or visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.cancer.org" ��www.cancer.org� anytime, day or night, and let the American Cancer Society help you stop colon cancer before it starts.
DEAR ABBY: My nephew is being married this summer in an outdoor garden wedding. He casually mentioned that his future mother-in-law plans to purchase several large planters with live plants from a housewares store to use for the ceremony. She then intends to return the planters for a refund, saying, "They didn't work out."
I consider this to be totally unethical. My family agrees, but because the bride's family is paying most of the wedding costs, we feel it is inappropriate to speak up.
Now I'm beginning to wonder about the morals of the family into which my nephew is marrying. But since I'm only a relative, I can't say anything without starting trouble. What do you think? -- DREADING THE WEDDING, ANAHEIM, CALIF.
DEAR DREADING THE WEDDING: There's a saying, "All that's needed for evil to flourish is for good people to say nothing." If you and the family have already made your opinions known, then you have done enough. But while you're "wondering about the morals of the family into which your nephew is marrying," you should also wonder about the ethics and morals of a young man who would allow this to be done on one of the most sacred occasions in his life. Shame on him for not speaking up.
As to this practice being harmless, many companies have eliminated return policies because of it. So everyone gets hurt.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)