To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom Gets Plenty of Support to Kick Sons Out the Door
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Stressed-Out Mom," the retired woman whose two (employed) sons, ages 22 and 24, live with her for free (Jan. 7), that the only "mistake" she has made was not requiring them to behave like adults before now. Taking responsibility and being accountable are signs of adulthood. Taking advantage of anyone, including Mom, and being a free-loader are signs of immaturity. -- RAISING SONS IN WHARTON, N.J.
DEAR RAISING SONS: My readers overwhelmingly agree the time has come for "Stressed-Out's" "boys" to act like the adults they are and stop behaving like children. If they refuse to cooperate, then it's time for mom to show them the door -- to the real world. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As you already know, "Stressed-Out's" problem is nothing new to baby boomer parents. We have brought it on ourselves.
We've enjoyed better economic times and freedom than our parents did. Because of this, we have actually encouraged our children to be more materialistic and irresponsible. We haven't helped them develop skills to manage their affairs and become responsible human beings.
If "Stressed-Out" finds it difficult to get her grown sons to pay a minimal sum to ease her financial situation at retirement, she should consider moving to a smaller place, which will be less comfortable for them.
I am preparing my teenage son to become independent and self-sufficient. I'd rather have the stress involved in doing it now than face it later. We parents owe this to our children and society in general. -- INGRID D., OTTAWA, CANADA
DEAR ABBY: I, too, have an adult son who lives with me. I had never asked him to contribute to the household expenses until last year when I became disabled and unable to work. He jumped at the chance to help me. He has assumed many of the day-to-day responsibilities of running the household and contributes half the cost of the mortgage and utilities.
There is nothing wrong with adult children enjoying the benefits of living at home, as long as they appreciate what they've been given and are prepared to give back when it's their turn. -- CHERYL M., DUBLIN, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in regard to the two adult males who still live with their mother. She said she had recently retired and her income has dropped by half. Her sons are whining about having to help her pay her bills? Welcome to reality! Those of us who have grown into adults pay bills. We do our part. Their mom has done her job. The time has come for them to quit being spoiled little boys and become men. -- TERRI T., TRENTON, N.J.
DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for that recently retired mom who generously offered her two deadbeat sons the low amount of $30 a week rent. Take out the following in the local paper: "2 rooms for rent. $50 a week each. Home cooking included. Available NOW." Then circle it, cut it out and tape it to the fridge. When the calls start coming, they'll be begging to pay that 30 bucks! -- MIKE R., SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Should an overnight guest in someone's home remake the bed on the day he or she is leaving, or strip off the sheets since they are going to be washed anyway? -- CHECKING OUT IN CANADA
DEAR CHECKING OUT: Because the sheets will have to be laundered before the bed is made up for the next person using it, the sheets should be stripped. But whether your host would prefer to be the one who does it is something only he or she can answer, so that's whom you should ask.
Timely Screening for Cancer Can Save Thousands of Lives
DEAR ABBY: America is making steady progress in the war against colon cancer. It's largely because of early detection and improved treatments. However, there's more to be done, and here is where I need your help.
Abby, colon cancer remains the third-leading cause of cancer deaths in both men and women in the United States, with about 50,000 deaths expected this year. The good news is that colon cancer is one of the two cancers (the other is cervical cancer) that can be prevented through regular screening. Colon cancer tests allow doctors to find and remove growths (called "polyps") before they become cancerous, thereby preventing cancer. Furthermore, these screening tests can also detect cancer at an earlier, more curable stage.
Unfortunately, many Americans still aren't getting lifesaving tests for colon cancer. Only four out of 10 Americans get the recommended screening. Therefore, only 39 percent of the new cases are found at an early stage, when a cure is most possible. A substantial number of the 50,000 deaths expected from colon cancer this year could have been avoided with wider use of proven screening tests.
As always, the American Cancer Society is here to offer help, including a free information kit to make it easy for people to talk to their doctor about colon cancer testing. -- ELMER E. HUERTA, M.D., PRESIDENT, AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY
DEAR DR. HUERTA: Thank you for reminding me to remind my readers that March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness month. We all know that testing saves lives, and it is my hope that because of your letter, Dear Abby readers will become more aware of the importance of getting tested for colon cancer and will talk to their doctor about having the tests done beginning at age 50.
Readers, for more information about this important subject, call (800) 227-2345 or visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.cancer.org" ��www.cancer.org� anytime, day or night, and let the American Cancer Society help you stop colon cancer before it starts.
DEAR ABBY: My nephew is being married this summer in an outdoor garden wedding. He casually mentioned that his future mother-in-law plans to purchase several large planters with live plants from a housewares store to use for the ceremony. She then intends to return the planters for a refund, saying, "They didn't work out."
I consider this to be totally unethical. My family agrees, but because the bride's family is paying most of the wedding costs, we feel it is inappropriate to speak up.
Now I'm beginning to wonder about the morals of the family into which my nephew is marrying. But since I'm only a relative, I can't say anything without starting trouble. What do you think? -- DREADING THE WEDDING, ANAHEIM, CALIF.
DEAR DREADING THE WEDDING: There's a saying, "All that's needed for evil to flourish is for good people to say nothing." If you and the family have already made your opinions known, then you have done enough. But while you're "wondering about the morals of the family into which your nephew is marrying," you should also wonder about the ethics and morals of a young man who would allow this to be done on one of the most sacred occasions in his life. Shame on him for not speaking up.
As to this practice being harmless, many companies have eliminated return policies because of it. So everyone gets hurt.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Granddad Hopes to Open Girl's Eyes and Head Off Heartbreak
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently visited our daughter and two beautiful grandchildren, "Mary" (age 17) and "Patrick" (age 15). Mary has a boyfriend I'll call "Brandon" who is all she has talked about since we arrived. She's quite smitten.
One night I was having trouble falling asleep and decided to go downstairs for a glass of wine. As I descended the stairs, I noticed Patrick and Brandon locked in a passionate embrace on the couch. They never noticed me, and I quietly returned upstairs. The boys' lovemaking did not help my insomnia.
I haven't mentioned what I saw to anybody. I am not bothered by the gay aspect of the encounter I witnessed. However, my paternal instincts make me want to protect Mary from being hurt. I don't believe in meddling, but I'm not sure keeping silent is right, either. Any advice? -- SURPRISED GRANDPOP IN PHILLY
DEAR GRANDPOP: I assume that Patrick has not yet come out to the family about his sexual orientation. If that's the case, then I don't recommend you out him by telling his sister what you saw. I do, however, think you should discuss it with Patrick, because he should be the one to tell Mary she shouldn't pin her hopes on Brandon, as he's not the person he may pretend to be.
DEAR ABBY: My twin sister and I are close, but sometimes we like to do things apart from each other.
Other kids don't seem to understand why we're not together 100 percent of the time, even though we're together probably 90 percent of the time. When we're not together, we are invariably asked, "Where's your sister?" or "Did you two have a fight?" We're tired of having to explain that nothing is wrong and that we've just chosen to do something different at a particular time.
We share a room and sleep in a double bed, so we are always very close at home. But once in a while, we like to get out and do something apart, and we don't see why others should question it. How do we put an end to these questions and comments? -- NOT SIAMESE IN MEDFORD, ORE.
DEAR NOT SIAMESE: The reason you are asked those questions is because you and your sister are together 90 percent of the time. People tend to question anything that is unusual, and seeing you apart is unusual. There is no way to put an end to the questions, but you can keep your sense of humor and respond honestly by saying, "We're not joined at the hip. We felt like doing something different today."
DEAR ABBY: Can you suggest a sincere, non-religious phrase that is the equivalent of "I'll keep you in my prayers"?
I'm not formally religious, but when I have a friend who is sick or experiencing a rough patch, I want to say something that carries the same sentiment. I'm not comfortable "acting" religious when I'm not, but I would like friends to know how truly concerned I am and how much I hope they get better. -- CARING TEXAN
DEAR CARING TEXAN: Say it to them just as you have said it to me: "I'm concerned for you, and I hope you are better soon; you're in my thoughts today and every day."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)