For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pregnant Teen Can No Longer Hide Secret Affair With Pastor
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. I am 16 years old, have a good job and do well in school. I go to a Christian non-denominational church every Sunday and enjoy that, too.
The problem is my pastor. "Reverend Ron" is 48, married, and has children and grandchildren. We have become attracted to each other and have secretly become a couple since last fall.
Every Monday night, after I get off work, I go over to my church and meet Reverend Ron in his office where we have sex. We agreed to tell no one, so as not to shame ourselves or our families.
Six weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. I haven't told him yet, and we continue with our Monday night meetings. Abortion is not an option, but neither is shaming my family, much less the whole church. Abby, what do I do? -- IN TRUE LOVE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR IN TRUE LOVE: The first thing you must do is tell your mother what you have told me. If there is any "shaming," it should not be directed at you, your family or your church. You are 16, idealistic and inexperienced. "Reverend Ron," however, is an adult who has literally abused his "sacred" trust to you, his congregation and his God. He had so little concern for your welfare that he didn't even use birth control. This is not how grown men show "true love."
You cannot hide this secret forever. At some point the truth will be revealed. Tell your mother now, so responsible adults who love you can give you the support you so desperately need. If you're afraid to speak to your mother alone, then have a friend with you when you do it. The only thing you CANNOT do is remain silent.
DEAR ABBY: My family is protesting a request I have made regarding the birth of my first child. I would prefer that my husband and I be alone with our newborn for at least the first 24 hours after the baby is born. I would like to contact my family the day after to invite them to the hospital.
Both our families can be very loud, as I witnessed firsthand last week when my sister-in-law had her first child. There were at least 20 relatives in her room after her C-section. It became so loud at one point that the nurse had to ask everyone to either leave the room or keep their voices at a moderate level.
I also saw how overbearing my mother was with my sister when she had her son several years ago. Mom says I'm "taking this experience away" from her, but I don't think it's her experience. It's my husband's and my experience. I truly feel it will be more peaceful if it's just my husband, me and our baby that first day. My husband has agreed to go along with whatever I request, but I know he'd prefer his family be present. Your thoughts, please? -- NO VISITORS IN LOUISIANA
DEAR NO VISITORS: Your reasons for wanting peace, quiet, rest and time to recuperate are valid, and you should communicate them to your obstetrician and the nurses at the maternity ward -- just in case news of your labor and delivery "slips out" prematurely. While I understand your husband's wish to have his family present, unless he's willing to undergo the procedure in your place, he should not only respect your wishes but make sure they are carried out.
Gentle Nudge Has Not Worked to Dislodge Mom From House
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married five years. My husband's stepdad died two years ago. After the funeral we offered to have his mother come live with us until she got back on her feet.
Well, it has been two years, and she's still here. She doesn't help out with the expenses, although she is able to, and has made no plans to move. We have raised the subject, but she says that she's in the midst of writing a book and wants to see if it will sell before she decides what to do. She's constantly in the house and goes nowhere on her own. My husband and I are her only form of entertainment.
On top of that, we're expecting our first child. I wanted my husband and I and our baby to bond as a family before anyone else was in the picture, but that's not going to happen now. Am I selfish to want to be alone with my husband and baby?
How can we make her see that she has overstayed her welcome? Fear of being alone is what's stopping her from leaving. But she can't expect to live here indefinitely. This has put a strain on our marriage. My husband agrees with me, but we see no way out of this situation. We want his mom to be OK, so we don't have the heart to kick her out. But isn't it time for her to stand on her own?
Our marriage is being destroyed because of this, and we're desperate for guidance. -- HOPELESS DOWN SOUTH
DEAR HOPELESS: If you and your husband want your lives back, the two of you are going to have to stage an "intervention" with his mother. Script it ahead of time if necessary. Although the conversation may not be pleasant, nothing will change unless you have it.
Your mother-in-law may need psychological and spiritual guidance to work her way through the period of mourning that she has postponed by moving in with you. If she's ever to have a life of her own, she must move out and cultivate relationships instead of relying so heavily on you.
Begin by investigating retirement communities in your area, and set a firm deadline for her to move. You have been more than generous, so please do not feel guilty about it.
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and a high school graduate. I decided to attend an online university and have come to realize that this was a huge mistake. Now I am under extreme pressure from my family to correct the mistake by either getting into a different school or getting a job.
The problem is, I do not wish to attend a university in the U.S.A. I would like to study abroad. Whenever I mention this to my family, they laugh in my face.
My family crushed every dream I've had for as long as I can remember, and I'm asking for advice on how to avoid it this time and find the strength within myself to go against what they want. -- BROKEN DREAMER, SPRINGFIELD, TENN.
DEAR BROKEN DREAMER: Your next step should be to visit your nearest public library and ask the librarian to help you research scholastic scholarships at universities that offer study programs abroad. Perhaps when your family sees how serious you are about it, they will then take you more seriously. Assuming that you have the grades to qualify, you may not need your family's financial help to pursue your dream.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Young Love Is Too Much Too Soon for Son's Parents
DEAR ABBY: Our youngest son, "Devin," is 15. He has been seeing a girl I'll call "Allison" for five months. Allison's parents allow them to hang out at their house with parental supervision. Devin has come home twice with hickeys, and once with permanent marker on his chest and abdomen saying "Allison's boob" and "Allison's property."
I have spoken to Allison's father more than once about their extreme intimacy at this age. (She's 14.) He assures me that they are supervised.
I feel my son is too young for this relationship, but I am unsure that forcing it to end would be the best option. We invite Allison over as often as our work schedules allow. They are allowed to listen to music in his room, but the door is always open, and we're "hovering" most of the time. We also engage in family games with her and our son.
How can we get this relationship out of the bedroom and into the light? -- FURIOUS IN VENTURA, CALIF.
DEAR FURIOUS: You have described two healthy, normal young people with too much time on their hands and one set of parents with their heads in the sand.
The time has come to involve your son in after-school sports, an extracurricular class or a part-time job. Any of these will allow Devin less time in Allison's bedroom.
If that's not feasible, then I urge you to ensure that your son is fully informed about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases and has access to condoms. The same goes for Allison. Better to be safe than sorry.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, I was pregnant with my son. When I was eight months along, my cousin gave me a baby walker that I had listed on my registry. She then left on a trip out of the country.
A week later, my baby boy was stillborn. I was devastated. When my cousin returned from her trip, she actually asked me to return her gift. She said that since the baby was dead, she didn't think I "needed it" anymore.
Perhaps that was true, but I was outraged at her actions. Do I have any right to be so mad? -- MOURNING IN OHIO
DEAR MOURNING: Your cousin's request was outrageously insensitive, and her timing was awful. Under the circumstances, your reaction was natural and justified. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.
DEAR ABBY: Although I have lived in Denver for a number of years, I still have a very thick, very Southern accent. I am often asked, "Where did you come from?" My answer is usually, "From my mother!"
Am I overly sensitive, or are people being rude? If you have a more appropriate answer, please share it with me. -- DRAWLING IN DENVER
DEAR DRAWLING: When people hear an accent -- regional or foreign -- they are inclined to be curious. Although it is technically rude to ask a stranger a personal question about his or her background, I don't think it's meant to be insulting. Because you don't care to elaborate on your background, your answer is fine.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)