To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girl's Poem Urges Restraint Before Rushing to Judgment
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old freshman at an all-girls school. Prior to this I was in the public school system. Today I was thinking about my experiences in both systems of schools, which inspired me to write the following poem. You can print it if you like.
Perhaps it will strike a chord with educators and students. Maybe it won't. But I wanted to get my feelings out on this subject and help to stop unfair judgment. -- LEALIA XIONG, GUILFORD, CONN.
DEAR LEALIA: I'm pleased to share your poem and the important message it so succinctly conveys. You have tremendous insight for one so young, and talent as well.
DON'T JUDGE
Don't judge people you hardly know.
You don't know what their day has been like.
You don't know what their life has been like.
Don't judge.
Don't judge someone who seems
As if she's overreacting.
You don't know if she's lost someone
She loved dearly
Or if her parents are getting a divorce
Or fighting over nothing.
Don't judge.
Don't judge someone who's different.
He's probably one of the nicest people you'll
know.
Or the funniest.
Or the smartest.
Take the time to get to know people.
Walk with them.
Run with them.
Share their triumphs and their sorrows.
Maybe they don't dance through life
As you thought.
Don't judge.
DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom of an active 3-year-old boy, with another on the way. Before my son, "Chad," was born, my husband and I took in a loving yellow Labrador, "Sparky" (now 8), who had been neglected.
While I love Sparky very much, he is just too much work for me because he is so needy. He often becomes nervous and "stuck" in certain rooms and must be physically coaxed into the next room. His anxiety causes him to bark uncontrollably at cars, people walking by, etc. He is absolutely out of control when someone comes to the door. He has damaged our home, wakes us up when we're sleeping, wants to go in and out all day, and is constantly underfoot. Our efforts to train Sparky have failed, and I'm simply out of patience.
The trouble is, my husband has no sympathy for the difficulty this causes me when I'm home during the day, and he refuses to discuss alternative options. I don't know what to do and have overwhelming feelings of guilt. I find myself actually looking forward to the day when Sparky dies so that I can be relieved of this burden. Please help. -- DOG TIRED, PALMYRA, N.Y.
DEAR DOG TIRED: The problems you described are not your dog's fault. Many rescue animals have "issues" not unlike Sparky's. You need to talk to your vet about this, and also a professional dog trainer. If that doesn't resolve your problem, then contact the rescue group that placed Sparky with you so they can find him another home.
After Long Life Together Empty Nesters Drift Apart
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. The first 30 were pretty much devoted to raising children.
Now that we are both retired and empty nesters, I realize just how focused our lives have been on family issues. While I have developed many interests, "Fred," has none besides solitary activities. He isn't interested in most of the things that I enjoy, but offers no alternatives. Consequently, I've learned to make social plans that do not include him.
I do spend a good deal of time at home with him, but I am feeling increasingly detached. I would like to have more of a life with Fred, but must I give up the relationships and activities that have provided a needed balance in my life in order to revive our marriage? -- MRS. COUCH POTATO
DEAR MRS. POTATO: And what's to guarantee that if you give up your friendships and activities that your marriage will be "revived"? Marriage is about compromise. Before this situation goes any further, you and Fred should talk to a counselor about the state of your union.
People who are anti-social may be extremely narrow in their range of interests, or they could be depressed. I'm advising you to find out now into which category your husband falls before you sever your social contacts.
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Amy," was recently dumped by text message, and I am extremely frustrated with how to address her tears and heartbreak. Text messaging and instant messaging seem to be the only ways that young people communicate these days. This young man took the coward's way out.
Amy and I have had several heated discussions about it, mostly ending with us agreeing to disagree. My perspective is, when two people are ready to end a relationship, they should face the other person and talk about the reasons why it isn't working. Hers is, "That's just the way we do things now." Any thoughts? -- KATHY IN SPIRIT LAKE, IOWA
DEAR KATHY: You are both right. Communication is a skill that people learn through practice. And I, too, am concerned that a generation of young people isn't learning to communicate face-to-face. It's almost as though there is a fear of intimacy, and the signals that people send through facial expression and gesture are being lost because of over-dependence on technology.
Although "that's the way we do things now" may be your daughter's perspective, my question to her would be, "Now that you know how terrible being dumped that way feels, would you do it to somebody else?"
DEAR ABBY: When someone sneezes multiple times, do I have to "bless them" after every sneeze, at the end of all sneezes or only after the first sneeze? -- BLESSED OUT IN MENOMONEE FALLS, WIS.
DEAR BLESSED OUT: It depends upon how superstitious you are. The custom of "blessing" a person who sneezes originated during the Middle Ages, when people believed that when someone sneezed their souls left their bodies for an instant. Saying, "God bless you" ensured that the soul would jump back in, rather than be "lost."
If you're really superstitious, then you should utter the blessing every time someone sneezes. However, today most people say it only once after the first sneeze.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend's New Figure Gets Too Much Exposure at Dinner
DEAR ABBY: My son's girlfriend, "Liza," had her breasts enlarged several years ago. Her entire wardrobe now consists of clothing with plunging necklines that expose most of her "assets." Don't get me wrong. I don't expect Liza to wear turtlenecks, just to cover up some.
Whenever there's a family function, there "they" are for all to see. My husband and the siblings (all over 18) have talked about how uncomfortable that makes them. This is not one of those things that you can just turn your head from, especially when Liza is sitting across the table at dinner.
My son doesn't have a problem with it, but I would like to know if there's something you would suggest I could say -- either to her or my son -- to let them know how uncomfortable we are without making it sound like we're attacking her? -- COVER UP, PLEASE, IN ALABAMA
DEAR "C.U.P.": Liza has invested a lot of money -- not to mention the pain -- in acquiring those assets. She wouldn't be human if she didn't want to display them. However, because you feel you're seeing too much of a good thing, approach your son about asking his girlfriend to dress a little more conservatively at dinner. If that doesn't do the trick, lower the temperature when they're over and hand her a sweater -- or serve lobster and hand out bibs.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance bought a ring and necklace for me for Valentine's Day. The ring was to be a wedding ring. Both are yellow gold, which is something I have never worn, nor do I care to.
The first ring he selected was white gold. Then he decided that with the yellow gold, he would get "more bang for his buck." A friend of ours, "Diana," went with him and told me the story. I told Diana I'm thinking of asking him to return the items and have the two of us look for a white gold set. Her response? "You'd better shut up and wear them. He may send you packing if you hurt his feelings."
Abby, it's only a request, but this will be a lifelong remembrance for me to wear. What should I do? -- IN A TIZZY IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR IN A TIZZY: I'm guessing your boyfriend took Diana to help with the selection because he thought she'd know what you like. Frankly, he took the wrong girl. He should have taken you.
If Diana is truly a friend, she should tell him she "forgot" that you have a strong preference for white gold and suggest the two of you exchange the set for something you might like better.
While some readers may not agree, not all surprises turn out to be pleasant ones. The most practical way to choose wedding/engagement rings is for the man to talk to a jeweler in advance about what he can afford to pay and ask that a selection of rings in his price range be put aside for him and his girlfriend when he brings her in. That way, she can have something she will enjoy wearing, he won't feel pressured into spending more than he can afford, and everybody's happy.
DEAR ABBY: When a person cooks a meal, isn't it also his or her responsibility to do the dishes when the meal is finished? If not, then who should? I think the cook should be responsible. -- BOILING OVER IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR BOILING OVER: And I think the person who EATS the meal should volunteer to clear the table and help with the dishes.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)