For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I had to write regarding the letter from "Disgruntled in Lompoc, Calif." (Dec. 28), whose pet peeve is waitstaff (in particular) referring to her and her lady friends as "guys."
Well, 3,000 miles away, I, too, am sick to death of being called a guy. When it happens to me, I tell my server that "the last time I looked, I was NOT a guy!" Sometimes they get it -- sometimes not.
I notice that on some of the TV shows I watch, even women refer to a group of people as "guys." I hate it -- and would ask you, with your worldwide influence, to bring the issue forward. We are NOT "guys." We are "people" or "folks" or "ladies and gentlemen"! Or else, Merriam-Webster will have to change its definition of "guys." Thanks for letting me vent. -- JACKI IN WILBRAHAM, MASS.
DEAR JACKI: I had no idea when I printed that letter that it would hit such a nerve with my readers, but oh, sister, have I heard from them! While I, too, would prefer to have my femininity acknowledged rather than to be called a guy, I would, however, not let it ruin my meal if it happened.
And, as to Merriam-Webster's definition of a "guy" -- my 11th Edition says in black and white that "guy" can refer to "any person" when used colloquially. Frankly, I found it so surprising that I looked in the American Heritage College Dictionary to see if there was agreement, and it also states: "Informal (ital.): Persons of either sex." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As I have told my ESL students, "guys" is acceptable colloquial English. In the singular, it refers to a male, of course. However, in the plural it may refer to males, males and females, or even just females. -- NICK LONGO, RACINE, WIS.
DEAR ABBY: Almost 40 years ago, my wife's college roommates would tease her for using the phrase "you guys." (My wife was born in central California.) Our college chums were all from down South.
If familiar (perhaps overly familiar) slang bothers "Disgruntled," all she has to do is reply, "I'm not a guy. Are YOU?" Nothing will change behavior quicker than public humiliation. -- FAITHFUL READER IN FORT WORTH (OR AS WE SAY IT HERE, 'FOAT WUTH')
DEAR ABBY: Fresh out of college, I moved to Oklahoma from central Illinois to teach high school. In front of my first class I said, "OK, you guys, take out your books." The boys did, but the girls just sat there. That's when I learned to say, "Y'all" if I wanted the whole class to respond.
I hope "Disgruntled" isn't too offended. It's not meant to be disrespectful. It's a regional colloquialism. -- GRETCHEN IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: I was at a restaurant once with two women and a male friend who happened to have longer hair than either of us at the time. Our server asked, "How are you ladies doing this evening?" only to be embarrassed upon learning the sex of our male companion -- who also happened to be the godson of the restaurant's owner. Sometimes it's better to be safe than sorry, and "folks" is the safe route. -- ROSE IN OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Why do young people insist on using that term? First, it is unprofessional, and second, are they blind?
My solution is to smile sweetly and ask, "Honey, do I LOOK like a guy to you? Because if I do, you need your eyes checked." This is just some "food" for thought. Thanks for letting me put my "tip" in. -- A LADY IN CUMBERLAND, MD.
Mom Worries That Third Baby Will Not Measure Up to Others
DEAR ABBY: I am married but have two children, "Venus" and "Adonis," from a previous relationship. These children are very good-looking, and I'm not just saying that because I'm their mom.
My husband, "Herman," is ready for us to start our own family soon. Not to sound shallow, but Herman was not a very cute kid. He wore thick glasses and braces as a child. Whenever I am asked by either Herman or his family if I think he was a cute baby, I lie.
I know I would love our babies as much as I do Venus and Adonis, but I'm afraid they will not be as cute, and that everyone will know my older children have a different father.
These worries are causing me to have doubts about having kids with Herman. Am I that shallow? Am I not in love enough with Herman because I'm scared our children will be ... ugly? This is killing me. Herman wants to start trying for a family this summer. Help! -- WORRIED ABOUT GENETICS, CLARKSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR WORRIED: I have news for you. Herman was a typical kid -- and look how he turned out. He's attractive enough that you married him.
There are no guarantees regardless of the gene pool you're fishing in. I firmly believe that each generation is becoming more beautiful than the last -- or at least that's how it appears to me as I look around.
But please understand that nobody else cares who fathered Venus and Adonis, and it's time to give up your obsession about it.
DEAR ABBY: I have read letters about girls who are overweight and that people should be careful about what they say to them. May I add something for those who are the opposite?
My daughter, "Claire," is 18 and since birth has always been small. Her doctor told me she will always be petite. Claire is 5 feet 2 inches. She weighs 105 pounds and is small-boned. Shopping with her and seeing how difficult it is to find something to wear can be a trying experience. (She wears a size 0 or 1.)
It is adults -- not her peers -- who make my daughter upset. I cannot tell you how many people have told her she looks anorexic. Claire is funny, talented, eats very well and has a boyfriend who thinks she's beautiful. She tries hard not to show the hurt caused by comments like, "Do you ever eat?" or "Don't you feed her?" and the most frequent, "You need to be careful. You're WAY too thin." She is NOT! I have taken her for her checkups, and her doctor says her weight is right where it should be.
Abby, please let people know that girls of all sizes can see themselves through others' words and opinions. I can only stick up for Claire when I'm with her. I have told her to set people straight and say, "I'm just the right size." -- PETITE'S MOM IN SALEM, VA.
DEAR MOM: I'm printing your letter as a reminder to anyone who thinks it's permissible to make personal comments about the body types of strangers. However, if Claire were my daughter, I would tell her to be more assertive when responding to comments like the ones she's getting. I would tell her to say, "What you said is very rude. My doctor says my weight is fine, so keep your opinions to yourself."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother in Law's Helpful Hints Come Across More as Attacks
DEAR ABBY: Have you any tips on how to deal with an emotional bully? My mother-in-law is insulting, but sneaky about it. She insists that she's "just trying to help." If I speak up, she says, "Why are you being so sensitive?" or, "I'm just being honest." She has criticized my parenting skills and chiseled away at my self-esteem more times than I can count.
Because she's my mother-in-law, it isn't easy to get away. I try to keep busy during holidays and family visits so she won't be able to catch up with me and insult me.
Defending myself doesn't help. If I try, she turns a deaf ear. I need some strong, but polite, comments to get her to back off. Please help. -- UNDER ATTACK IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR UNDER ATTACK: Two can play the game of selective deafness. Has it occurred to you to simply tune the woman out? Just because a jackass brays does not mean you have to take the noise to heart.
If, however, you feel compelled to respond, then straighten your posture, look her in the eye and say, "Then I'm going to be honest with you, too. I'm doing the best I can. Your comments are hurtful, and unless you stop criticizing me, I'm going to spend more time with MY family during the holidays. Got it?" If that doesn't slow her down, do yourself a favor and follow through.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 64-year-old woman who is proud to be Jewish. I know there is still anti-Semitism in the world. We go to Mexico every winter, and the number of Jewish people in our community there is very small.
At home I wear a Star of David on a chain around my neck, but when we're in Mexico, I feel self-conscious about it. We belong to a large organization in Mexico that is comprised of non-Jews. Should I wear it, and possibly be shunned because I'm Jewish, or leave it at home?
I know this may seem like a silly question, but I don't want to be discriminated against because I'm a Jew, yet I am proud of my heritage. Should I wear it in Mexico or not? -- RACHAEL IN BUFFALO GROVE, ILL.
DEAR RACHAEL: Your question isn't at all silly. Religion is supposed to be a positive force. Those who use religion as an excuse to shun others are bigots.
You say you are proud of being Jewish. Your Star of David is part of who you are, so wear it. If people avoid you because of your religion, they weren't sincere friends to begin with, nor are they nice people, and you won't have lost a thing.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old woman who has been married for 16 years to a good man. My husband doesn't drink, smoke, run around or even curse. He's a good father and sometimes helps me with housework.
So please tell me why I cannot stand him anymore -- his voice, his laugh and anything about him. I just want out, and I don't know why. I work many hours of overtime just so I won't have to go home. Please tell me what's wrong with me. -- WANTING TO BE FREE
DEAR WANTING: You appear to have fallen out of love with your husband, or have forgotten what attracted you to him in the first place. You could also be having a midlife crisis.
The answer is not to run away or hide out at the office, but to remember why you married him and examine what's going on in your head, with professional help if necessary. Forgive the cliche, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes it's poison ivy.
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