For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Worries That Third Baby Will Not Measure Up to Others
DEAR ABBY: I am married but have two children, "Venus" and "Adonis," from a previous relationship. These children are very good-looking, and I'm not just saying that because I'm their mom.
My husband, "Herman," is ready for us to start our own family soon. Not to sound shallow, but Herman was not a very cute kid. He wore thick glasses and braces as a child. Whenever I am asked by either Herman or his family if I think he was a cute baby, I lie.
I know I would love our babies as much as I do Venus and Adonis, but I'm afraid they will not be as cute, and that everyone will know my older children have a different father.
These worries are causing me to have doubts about having kids with Herman. Am I that shallow? Am I not in love enough with Herman because I'm scared our children will be ... ugly? This is killing me. Herman wants to start trying for a family this summer. Help! -- WORRIED ABOUT GENETICS, CLARKSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR WORRIED: I have news for you. Herman was a typical kid -- and look how he turned out. He's attractive enough that you married him.
There are no guarantees regardless of the gene pool you're fishing in. I firmly believe that each generation is becoming more beautiful than the last -- or at least that's how it appears to me as I look around.
But please understand that nobody else cares who fathered Venus and Adonis, and it's time to give up your obsession about it.
DEAR ABBY: I have read letters about girls who are overweight and that people should be careful about what they say to them. May I add something for those who are the opposite?
My daughter, "Claire," is 18 and since birth has always been small. Her doctor told me she will always be petite. Claire is 5 feet 2 inches. She weighs 105 pounds and is small-boned. Shopping with her and seeing how difficult it is to find something to wear can be a trying experience. (She wears a size 0 or 1.)
It is adults -- not her peers -- who make my daughter upset. I cannot tell you how many people have told her she looks anorexic. Claire is funny, talented, eats very well and has a boyfriend who thinks she's beautiful. She tries hard not to show the hurt caused by comments like, "Do you ever eat?" or "Don't you feed her?" and the most frequent, "You need to be careful. You're WAY too thin." She is NOT! I have taken her for her checkups, and her doctor says her weight is right where it should be.
Abby, please let people know that girls of all sizes can see themselves through others' words and opinions. I can only stick up for Claire when I'm with her. I have told her to set people straight and say, "I'm just the right size." -- PETITE'S MOM IN SALEM, VA.
DEAR MOM: I'm printing your letter as a reminder to anyone who thinks it's permissible to make personal comments about the body types of strangers. However, if Claire were my daughter, I would tell her to be more assertive when responding to comments like the ones she's getting. I would tell her to say, "What you said is very rude. My doctor says my weight is fine, so keep your opinions to yourself."
Mother in Law's Helpful Hints Come Across More as Attacks
DEAR ABBY: Have you any tips on how to deal with an emotional bully? My mother-in-law is insulting, but sneaky about it. She insists that she's "just trying to help." If I speak up, she says, "Why are you being so sensitive?" or, "I'm just being honest." She has criticized my parenting skills and chiseled away at my self-esteem more times than I can count.
Because she's my mother-in-law, it isn't easy to get away. I try to keep busy during holidays and family visits so she won't be able to catch up with me and insult me.
Defending myself doesn't help. If I try, she turns a deaf ear. I need some strong, but polite, comments to get her to back off. Please help. -- UNDER ATTACK IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR UNDER ATTACK: Two can play the game of selective deafness. Has it occurred to you to simply tune the woman out? Just because a jackass brays does not mean you have to take the noise to heart.
If, however, you feel compelled to respond, then straighten your posture, look her in the eye and say, "Then I'm going to be honest with you, too. I'm doing the best I can. Your comments are hurtful, and unless you stop criticizing me, I'm going to spend more time with MY family during the holidays. Got it?" If that doesn't slow her down, do yourself a favor and follow through.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 64-year-old woman who is proud to be Jewish. I know there is still anti-Semitism in the world. We go to Mexico every winter, and the number of Jewish people in our community there is very small.
At home I wear a Star of David on a chain around my neck, but when we're in Mexico, I feel self-conscious about it. We belong to a large organization in Mexico that is comprised of non-Jews. Should I wear it, and possibly be shunned because I'm Jewish, or leave it at home?
I know this may seem like a silly question, but I don't want to be discriminated against because I'm a Jew, yet I am proud of my heritage. Should I wear it in Mexico or not? -- RACHAEL IN BUFFALO GROVE, ILL.
DEAR RACHAEL: Your question isn't at all silly. Religion is supposed to be a positive force. Those who use religion as an excuse to shun others are bigots.
You say you are proud of being Jewish. Your Star of David is part of who you are, so wear it. If people avoid you because of your religion, they weren't sincere friends to begin with, nor are they nice people, and you won't have lost a thing.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old woman who has been married for 16 years to a good man. My husband doesn't drink, smoke, run around or even curse. He's a good father and sometimes helps me with housework.
So please tell me why I cannot stand him anymore -- his voice, his laugh and anything about him. I just want out, and I don't know why. I work many hours of overtime just so I won't have to go home. Please tell me what's wrong with me. -- WANTING TO BE FREE
DEAR WANTING: You appear to have fallen out of love with your husband, or have forgotten what attracted you to him in the first place. You could also be having a midlife crisis.
The answer is not to run away or hide out at the office, but to remember why you married him and examine what's going on in your head, with professional help if necessary. Forgive the cliche, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. Sometimes it's poison ivy.
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Twins' Candlelight Birthday Celebration Gets Snuffed Out
DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter and her twin brother are turning 13. My husband and I wanted to celebrate this milestone birthday with a candlelight spaghetti dinner at our house that includes their boyfriend/girlfriend.
We planned to get out the china and silver and eat in the formal dining room. Our daughter was on board, and the kids were excited.
Our daughter's former in-laws, however, threw a fit about the children being "too young to date."
Obviously, we'll honor our ex-son-in-law's wishes, but we're terribly disappointed, as are the kids. Since when is dinner at home with your grandparents and your boyfriend and girlfriend considered a date? Or are we out of touch with reality? -- CANCELED IN RED OAK, TEXAS
DEAR CANCELED: The deal-killer may have been the "candlelight" aspect of the dinner, because in some people's minds candlelight connotes "romance." I can't blame your ex-son-in-law and his parents for wanting to keep the twins cocooned in their concept of childhood for as long as they can, but it's a losing battle.
If memory serves me, seventh grade (12 or 13) is when boys and girls begin noticing each other -- if not before -- and while they are too young to "date," I hardly consider dinner at the grandparents as dating. Although it may not have been the custom in your son-in-law's family, age 13 or 14 is when many young people begin going to supervised parties/dances, although they do it in groups.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a lovely woman, "Bethany," for the past seven months. I'm 30 and Bethany is 29. She's a teacher, and I work in health care. We met online, then talked on the phone and eventually decided to meet.
Abby, I was attracted to her from the moment I saw her. Over these past months I have bonded with Bethany's family and have fallen in love with her. I would like nothing more than to make her my wife. I haven't asked her yet, although we have joked about it.
Two nights ago we went to dinner, and the whole time something felt "off" to me. When we returned to Bethany's place, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to take a break from "us." She said she feels rushed into a new relationship without having closure from her previous one, which lasted six years and was difficult.
Before I became too upset, I got up off the couch and left. We haven't talked since, as I want to give her the "space" she has requested. I love Bethany, and I'm afraid I am going to lose her. How long should I go without making contact with her? -- TROUBLED IN JACKSONVILLE, N.C.
DEAR TROUBLED: Frankly, the person to reach out should be Bethany, but give her six weeks. If you haven't heard from her by then, when you do call, don't be surprised to hear that she and her former boyfriend have reconciled. When a woman says there was "no closure," it usually means she still has feelings for the person.
It is also possible that she finds "difficult" relationships more exciting than ones without drama. And if that's the case, then unless you, too, are looking for pain, you'll move on. You have my sympathy.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)