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Twins' Candlelight Birthday Celebration Gets Snuffed Out
DEAR ABBY: Our granddaughter and her twin brother are turning 13. My husband and I wanted to celebrate this milestone birthday with a candlelight spaghetti dinner at our house that includes their boyfriend/girlfriend.
We planned to get out the china and silver and eat in the formal dining room. Our daughter was on board, and the kids were excited.
Our daughter's former in-laws, however, threw a fit about the children being "too young to date."
Obviously, we'll honor our ex-son-in-law's wishes, but we're terribly disappointed, as are the kids. Since when is dinner at home with your grandparents and your boyfriend and girlfriend considered a date? Or are we out of touch with reality? -- CANCELED IN RED OAK, TEXAS
DEAR CANCELED: The deal-killer may have been the "candlelight" aspect of the dinner, because in some people's minds candlelight connotes "romance." I can't blame your ex-son-in-law and his parents for wanting to keep the twins cocooned in their concept of childhood for as long as they can, but it's a losing battle.
If memory serves me, seventh grade (12 or 13) is when boys and girls begin noticing each other -- if not before -- and while they are too young to "date," I hardly consider dinner at the grandparents as dating. Although it may not have been the custom in your son-in-law's family, age 13 or 14 is when many young people begin going to supervised parties/dances, although they do it in groups.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a lovely woman, "Bethany," for the past seven months. I'm 30 and Bethany is 29. She's a teacher, and I work in health care. We met online, then talked on the phone and eventually decided to meet.
Abby, I was attracted to her from the moment I saw her. Over these past months I have bonded with Bethany's family and have fallen in love with her. I would like nothing more than to make her my wife. I haven't asked her yet, although we have joked about it.
Two nights ago we went to dinner, and the whole time something felt "off" to me. When we returned to Bethany's place, she informed me out of the blue that she would like to take a break from "us." She said she feels rushed into a new relationship without having closure from her previous one, which lasted six years and was difficult.
Before I became too upset, I got up off the couch and left. We haven't talked since, as I want to give her the "space" she has requested. I love Bethany, and I'm afraid I am going to lose her. How long should I go without making contact with her? -- TROUBLED IN JACKSONVILLE, N.C.
DEAR TROUBLED: Frankly, the person to reach out should be Bethany, but give her six weeks. If you haven't heard from her by then, when you do call, don't be surprised to hear that she and her former boyfriend have reconciled. When a woman says there was "no closure," it usually means she still has feelings for the person.
It is also possible that she finds "difficult" relationships more exciting than ones without drama. And if that's the case, then unless you, too, are looking for pain, you'll move on. You have my sympathy.
FIANCEE FEELS SHE CAN'T EVER MEASURE UP TO MAN'S LATE WIFE
DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to a widower I'll call "Grant" for about a year. Grant's wife, "Lilly," has been gone for 15 years. He talks about her frequently, which is OK with me. Lilly was an important part of his life for a long time.
My problem is, I feel I can never quite measure up to her. When we're out in public, he frequently refers to "his late wife," which makes me a bit uncomfortable. Recently he told me in conversation, "Do I wish I had never met you and Lilly was still alive? Absolutely!" It came out of the blue and hit me like a lead balloon.
I understand that Grant wishes his late wife were still alive, but did he have to say, "Do I wish I had never met you?" He is also critical of me and puts me down rather often. When I became upset about his comment, he acted like I was overreacting and overly sensitive.
I feel so hurt. I don't even know if I want to be with Grant anymore. Please give me some advice. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I am very depressed. -- UNDERVALUED IN PANAMA CITY, FLA.
DEAR UNDERVALUED: Is it possible that your fiance's comment was in response to something you said to him? (Example: "Grant, you bring up Lilly so often it makes me feel like you wish you had never met me ...")
It appears your fiance isn't particularly sensitive to your feelings and isn't likely to change. However, what troubles me more about your letter than the fact that Grant lacks tact and often refers to his late wife -- with whom he obviously had a lot of history -- is the fact that he puts you down and then blames you for reacting. If this is what you would tolerate in a husband, then you're a glutton for punishment.
DEAR ABBY: We recently invited friends to join us at a special event plus dinner. As plans are coming together, I find that their adult children and spouses have been invited to join us.
Am I wrong in thinking when you invite your friends to a special event, dinner, etc., that it's inconsiderate for them to ask other people to join the party? If I had wanted to spend the evening with their children -- or anybody else -- I'd have included them, but I didn't. I wanted to spend the evening with the people with whom I initiated the plans.
I'm hoping my letter will be published and those folks will recognize themselves. I still plan to go and will grin and bear it, but it's frustrating. What is your advice? -- REALLY ANNOYED, ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
DEAR REALLY ANNOYED: Please do not rely too heavily on the people you mentioned reading your letter and recognizing themselves. Dear Abby readers are considerate, and the majority of them abide by the rules of etiquette -- at least the majority of the time.
What your guests did was extremely presumptuous. Perhaps they don't recognize that their "children" are individuals and not simply extensions of themselves. You are a good sport to go along with their co-opting your evening, but the next time you invite them out, state plainly that you want it to be "just the four of you." No need to be nasty -- just clarify.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend's Weight Doesn't Mean She'll Never Find Love
DEAR ABBY: Although I agree with you that "'Dee'-Voted Friend in D.C." (Dec. 26) needs to stop lying to her friend and building up false hopes, I think you missed the mark with the rest of your advice.
Believe me, Dee knows she's overweight and that it's negatively affecting her social life. She's just not ready to deal with it.
"Dee-Voted" didn't indicate that Dee has even asked for her advice or help, so maybe she should consider her own motivation. Does she really just want to help her friend, or does she want Dee to conform to her standards?
Abby, friendship is acceptance. If she's truly a friend, "Dee-Voted" will simply enjoy Dee and remain supportive until that special guy who can appreciate her comes along. Believe me, he's out there. -- G.D. IN BOZEMAN, MONT.
DEAR G.D.: You make a valid point. Although most of those who responded disagreed with my advice to "Dee-Voted," I feel it is important to address the issue of the health risks -- heart disease, diabetes, stroke, joint pain -- related to people who are overweight or obese. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a chubby person myself, I'm sick and tired of the myth that extra pounds mean you can't find love. I have never been a thin person, but I've rarely been a single person.
I firmly believe that there is a shoe for every foot, and finding that shoe has more to do with having confidence and being true to yourself than being thin. I have known many women who have lost 50 pounds or more only to find the problem wasn't their appearance. It was something much deeper in their personalities.
If Dee is striking out with the men in her life, my advice is to look in a different social circle for a date. If the men she's aiming for can't see past her size, I'm not sure why she'd want to be with them anyway. -- CHUBBY AND LOVED, ALEXANDRIA, VA.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think Dee isn't aware she's overweight? I'm a lot like her, only I'm 100 pounds overweight.
Dee should drop this "friend." Nobody needs friends who are condescending or pity them. Instead of trying to find a man in a bar or restaurant, where appearance is all that is considered, she should try other avenues.
There's plenty of love for everybody, and chances are it's not only her weight that's keeping the right men away. For me, it was the chip on my shoulder -- the belief that I wasn't good enough because I was fat. Once I made peace with that, I've had them ... KNOCKING DOWN MY DOOR IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: There's no way to delude yourself into thinking you're not fat if you are. Dee is reminded of that fact when she goes to the mall and shops in plus-size stores and departments. She knows what's reflected in the mirror.
I've been fat all my life, and I have never lacked for male companionship when I really wanted it. Dee needs to believe that she's beautiful, talented and funny, and that she is worthy of love and respect, no matter what size her jeans are. When that happens, she'll find "Mr. Right." -- PLUS-SIZE AND HAPPY
DEAR ABBY: Many cultures embrace being plus-sized as a beautiful thing. As a man, I would choose a larger woman over a "twig" any day of the week. Dee is beautiful regardless of weight. One day someone like me will come along and prove that she is loved for who she is. -- ERIC IN COLORADO
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