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Girlfriend's Weight Doesn't Mean She'll Never Find Love
DEAR ABBY: Although I agree with you that "'Dee'-Voted Friend in D.C." (Dec. 26) needs to stop lying to her friend and building up false hopes, I think you missed the mark with the rest of your advice.
Believe me, Dee knows she's overweight and that it's negatively affecting her social life. She's just not ready to deal with it.
"Dee-Voted" didn't indicate that Dee has even asked for her advice or help, so maybe she should consider her own motivation. Does she really just want to help her friend, or does she want Dee to conform to her standards?
Abby, friendship is acceptance. If she's truly a friend, "Dee-Voted" will simply enjoy Dee and remain supportive until that special guy who can appreciate her comes along. Believe me, he's out there. -- G.D. IN BOZEMAN, MONT.
DEAR G.D.: You make a valid point. Although most of those who responded disagreed with my advice to "Dee-Voted," I feel it is important to address the issue of the health risks -- heart disease, diabetes, stroke, joint pain -- related to people who are overweight or obese. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a chubby person myself, I'm sick and tired of the myth that extra pounds mean you can't find love. I have never been a thin person, but I've rarely been a single person.
I firmly believe that there is a shoe for every foot, and finding that shoe has more to do with having confidence and being true to yourself than being thin. I have known many women who have lost 50 pounds or more only to find the problem wasn't their appearance. It was something much deeper in their personalities.
If Dee is striking out with the men in her life, my advice is to look in a different social circle for a date. If the men she's aiming for can't see past her size, I'm not sure why she'd want to be with them anyway. -- CHUBBY AND LOVED, ALEXANDRIA, VA.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think Dee isn't aware she's overweight? I'm a lot like her, only I'm 100 pounds overweight.
Dee should drop this "friend." Nobody needs friends who are condescending or pity them. Instead of trying to find a man in a bar or restaurant, where appearance is all that is considered, she should try other avenues.
There's plenty of love for everybody, and chances are it's not only her weight that's keeping the right men away. For me, it was the chip on my shoulder -- the belief that I wasn't good enough because I was fat. Once I made peace with that, I've had them ... KNOCKING DOWN MY DOOR IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: There's no way to delude yourself into thinking you're not fat if you are. Dee is reminded of that fact when she goes to the mall and shops in plus-size stores and departments. She knows what's reflected in the mirror.
I've been fat all my life, and I have never lacked for male companionship when I really wanted it. Dee needs to believe that she's beautiful, talented and funny, and that she is worthy of love and respect, no matter what size her jeans are. When that happens, she'll find "Mr. Right." -- PLUS-SIZE AND HAPPY
DEAR ABBY: Many cultures embrace being plus-sized as a beautiful thing. As a man, I would choose a larger woman over a "twig" any day of the week. Dee is beautiful regardless of weight. One day someone like me will come along and prove that she is loved for who she is. -- ERIC IN COLORADO
Effort to Mend Broken Family Ties Meets Stiff Resistance
DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Mia," is a lesbian who came out to her family 10 years ago. Her parents disowned her. We were just out of high school, and for years we had no idea why. We were not allowed to invite Mia to our wedding or to have any contact with her.
Several years later, she began trying to repair their relationship, despite the fact that she's forbidden to talk about her life or bring her partner anywhere near them. This was when we learned what had happened, and we were appalled at how Mia had been treated.
When she comes to town for holidays, she stays with us. Because of this, my in-laws treat us like "sinners" just as they do her, and we're caught in the middle.
We have tried explaining to these family members that they are entitled to their position and we're entitled to ours; that Mia is family and deserves respect and kindness. They call us liberal freaks with no moral values and say we should stand up to her and not let her "manipulate" us. My husband and I are tired of the drama we get at holiday time. Not only do they usually pick a fight with Mia while she's here, but they also won't speak to us for two weeks afterward. The last two times she came, Mia has either had to cut her trip short or has been reduced to tears by the harsh words from family members.
If you wonder why Mia even bothers coming home, it's because she wants to maintain contact with us and she loves her nieces and nephews. How do we handle these people, or do we just give up? -- ODD ONES OUT IN OHIO
DEAR ODD ONES OUT: Stand your ground. Do not allow yourselves to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into rejecting your husband's sister. You are neither morally challenged nor "liberal freaks" for trying to help bridge the gap with the family.
Frankly, your sister-in-law must be extremely resilient to have tolerated the abuse she's getting from these "good" people. They may not approve of her sexual orientation, but she did not choose it -- it's who she is. It seems this self-righteous family's "moral values" do not include tolerance.
DEAR ABBY: I share a room with my stepsisters during visitation at my dad's. Their room doesn't have a lock, and my stepmom, "Muriel," doesn't believe in knocking before coming into their room. My stepsisters are used to it and don't care. However, Muriel is not my mom, and it's embarrassing to be barged in on without warning, especially when I'm undressed.
Last weekend she walked in after I had just taken a shower and was completely naked. Muriel couldn't understand why I'd have a problem with it, since we're both females and I was already naked in front of my stepsisters.
I have asked her nicely to please knock when I'm there, but she says, "A mother doesn't have to knock when coming into her own daughters' (or stepdaughter's) room." Muriel said I have a "silly hang-up" and need to get over it. "I wouldn't be doing you any favors," she said, "if I gave in."
Is my request unreasonable? How should I handle this? -- FEELS LIKE CINDERELLA
DEAR FEELS LIKE CINDERELLA: It doesn't appear that you and Muriel are particularly close, or even on the same wavelength. She's being heavy-handed in the way she is asserting herself, and you should talk to your father and mother about it.
Your stepmother is the adult, and she has allowed this to be turned into a power struggle. She's not your mother, and as you are a guest in their home, some common courtesy should be extended.
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Mom Feels Helpless Watching Troubled Son Waste His Life
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Keith," is 20. He lives at home with his dad, brother and me. Keith dropped out of high school when he was a senior. His driver's license was suspended due to non-payment of tickets.
A couple of years ago, he stole from us and finally admitted he had a drug problem. We sent Keith to a 30-day residential drug treatment facility. When he got out, he stayed in a halfway house for three months, then lived with another recovering addict in an apartment. Keith had a job then, but lost it and moved back home.
He still hangs out with his same old friends. He sleeps all day, gets up late in the afternoon or early in the evening, and goes out again. I know my son drinks, and I realize he's probably using again, too, but I don't know where he gets the money to buy them. He has worked in restaurants off and on over the past two years, but is currently unemployed.
I have tried everything I know to help him. We dragged him to counselors, but Keith wouldn't follow their suggestions. We beg him to get his GED, but he lies to us that he's going to school and working on it. Keith asks me to wake him so I can take him to apply for jobs, but when I do, he refuses to get up.
His dad and I have to hide our wallets because he has stolen our checks and credit cards before. His purchases are usually at gas stations and fast food restaurants. Keith tells us he's not using anymore, but his actions make it hard to believe.
I can't live my life standing idly by, watching my son ruin his life. I love him. If I don't stand by him and try to help him, he has no one. His dad acts like he hates him. He either ignores him or gets on his case whenever he talks to him. Have you any advice for me? -- DEEPLY HURT IN MEMPHIS, TENN.
DEAR DEEPLY HURT: Your son definitely has problems, and you need to find out what exactly they are. If he's using, you can find out by making him take a home drug test. ("Take it, or you're out.")
If he tests negative, then it's possible that your son is suffering from depression or some other mental illness. And if that's the case, you should make his getting psychiatric help a condition of his continuing to live at home.
The only thing you cannot do is let yourself be trapped into becoming your son's enabler. You must set a deadline for him to find a job or move out on his own, and insist that he abide by it.
DEAR ABBY: My wife's niece is being married in May. The wedding is 1,500 miles from here. Our daughter, "Sophie," a college sophomore, will be a bridesmaid in the wedding.
For the last year and a half Sophie has been dating "Trey," whom she met at school, and it appears to be a solid relationship. I like him.
Trey received an invitation to the wedding, too, which was unnecessary in my opinion. Now my wife insists it's our responsibility to buy Trey an airplane ticket so he can attend. He will stay in a hotel room with my sons if he goes.
I don't mind paying for the room and related expenses, but I see no reason why I should fork out hundreds of dollars for an airline ticket. I already have to pay for my family of five for this trip. My wife says I'm stingy. Am I? -- GETTING FLAK IN ATLANTA
DEAR GETTING FLAK: It was nice of your sister-in-law to invite your daughter's boyfriend to the wedding. If you can afford to buy him a ticket, doing so would be a nice gesture. However, you are under no obligation to foot the bill for his transportation.
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