To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. Lately I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of sadness and depression. Just recently I found out that my sister's ex had physically abused her and her daughter. When my sister told me, she made me swear I wouldn't tell our parents. Not only do our parents not know, but she refuses to take it to court or to report it. When I confronted her, she told me she would rather put it behind her and forget about it.
I don't understand how she can let this man get away with what he did.
I don't know who to turn to. If I tell my parents, my sister will never trust me again. But if I don't tell, he might come back and hurt them. Please tell me what to do. -- TERRIFIED FOR MY SISTER
DEAR TERRIFIED: Your sister, like many victims of domestic violence, may blame herself for what happened to her and feel too embarrassed to report it. It is also not uncommon for men who beat up their partners to also abuse their children.
For her daughter's sake, the crime(s) should have been reported when they occurred and there was solid proof. However, because she didn't do that, I can only hope that she will keep the child away from her father -- who obviously hasn't enough impulse control to safely act as a responsible parent.
Some secrets are meant to be kept, but this isn't one of them. There is no reason you should carry this burden alone. Tell your parents and don't feel guilty about it. I have been advised that depression is anger turned inward. You are sad because you feel helpless to do anything about your sister's circumstances. Once your parents know what happened, they can help your sister ensure her safety and that of her daughter.
DEAR ABBY: Marrying one's high school sweetheart is common in my family. My parents, both of my aunts and two cousins are happily married to the people they began dating exclusively when they were teenagers.
Now my older brother, "Aiden," has joined their ranks. He recently married a girl he had dated since eighth grade. They are only 23, but blissfully happy. I'm glad for my brother, but now my relatives are wondering why I haven't followed suit.
There is no going back to high school for me, so I find myself trapped in awkward blind dates as loving family members -- especially my mother -- desperately try to find someone for me.
How can I make them understand that I really don't want to go out with the neighbor boy who is three years younger than I am? Also, is there something wrong with me because I haven't found "the one," as my other family members have? -- OLD MAID OF THE FAMILY, MANSFIELD, TEXAS
DEAR OLD MAID: The surest way to make your family understand is to keep your sense of humor about their attempts at matchmaking and not to become defensive. There is nothing wrong with being single -- people are remaining single longer now than ever before. Some men -- and women -- remain single their entire lives, and happily so. So please don't allow yourself to be made to feel time is running out because you haven't rushed to the altar. It takes some people longer than others to find that perfect match, but in most cases, "there's a pot for every lid."
MARIJUANA HAS COMPLEX EFFECT ON TEENS' DEVELOPING BRAINS
DEAR ABBY: You were right to tell "Just Saying No" (Jan. 16) that his pot-smoking classmates could be headed for addiction or other problems. I worry that marijuana poses more risks to teens than they -- or their parents -- recognize. More kids need professional help kicking marijuana than for all other drugs combined. It is not a "harmless" drug.
School failure, which you mentioned, could be only the first of many problems daily pot smokers may experience. Researchers have a long way to go in understanding the complexity of brain function, but we know that illicit drug use changes the developing brain. Many young people smoke pot before their brain development is settled, and their chronic use of the drug can affect certain centers in the brain that control emotion and reason.
Research shows that regular use of marijuana may also lead to mental health problems. Youth who use marijuana weekly have double the risk of depression later in life, and are three times more likely than non-users to have suicidal thoughts. -- MARC GALANTER, M.D., DIRECTOR, DIVISION OF ALCOHOLISM AND DRUG ABUSE, NEW YORK UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER
DEAR DR. GALANTER: Thank you for lending your expertise on this subject. I am sure many teens and their parents will find your letter enlightening.
If they wish, younger readers can read and consider the latest scientific facts about marijuana and other drugs by logging onto www.abovetheinfluence.com. Parents can visit www.theantidrug.com for tips on talking to their adolescents and teens about drugs and how to get them help if that conversation begins "too late."
DEAR ABBY: Every time my husband and I attend a viewing, no matter who the deceased person is, my husband insists that I get in line in front of him. This means I'm the one who must approach the grieving family.
Some of the funerals we have been to are for people my husband knew well, but I knew only casually. It makes me uncomfortable to be the first to approach the family. He insists that it's "proper etiquette" to have me in front of him. I would have no problem being first if it was for someone I was close to. I feel he should do the same. Is there a right way or a wrong way to line up? -- ROCKY RIVER, OHIO, MOURNER
DEAR R.R.O.M.: There is no right or wrong way for mourners to line up for a viewing. Your husband may feel uncomfortable addressing the grieving family because he doesn't know what to say, and that's why he's defaulting to the old "ladies first" practice. (Please inform him that it should be ladies first only if the lady would LIKE to go first, not if she objects!)
However, because you appear to be stuck in the role of "point person" for your family, simply tell the family members you are "sorry for their loss." This applies whether you know them well or not, and it's all they really need to hear.
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school and in a long-distance relationship with a magician's apprentice who is a year younger than me. What should I expect from this relationship? -- LINDSAY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR LINDSAY: Because, as part of their business, magicians often spend a lot of time on the road, expect a vanishing act. (Now you see him -- now you don't.)
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Singles Celebrate Friendship at Annual Valentine's Dinner
DEAR ABBY: Valentine's Day is once again upon us. As a single woman, I have recognized that even on this day one can feel completely left out of things. So, last year I started a new tradition with my single women friends.
On Valentine's Day we meet for dinner. We call it "Singles Appreciation Day." Last year we had a great time together, and this year should be even more fun.
Singlehood is not something to cry about. It's something to celebrate and enjoy, just as we would the state of marriage when we find the right person. People need to learn to appreciate the value of each phase of life as we enter it. For now, I am happily appreciating the stage of being single. -- SANDY IN NORTH HIGHLANDS, CALIF.
DEAR SANDY: I'm sure I'm not the only person who admires your positive and intelligent attitude about the journey we all make through life. Today, more and more people are choosing to remain single into their late 20s and 30s -- and Valentine's Day seems to have become less a holiday and more of a marketing campaign that makes the unattached feel adrift, alone and often depressed.
A wise person told me years ago that we are as happy as we make up our minds to be -- and I hope more singles will learn from your example.
DEAR ABBY: Last year on Valentine's Day I had many errands to run, so I started at my favorite coffee shop at 7 a.m.
At a table in front of me was an elderly couple who were already eating. I enjoy people-watching, and it was easy to observe them. The man was having trouble opening his little package of jelly. I almost went over to help him. Why didn't I? Because he was there with a lady. Sister, wife, friend? I couldn't see her left hand. If I had offered help, it might have embarrassed him. This was a buffet breakfast.
As I ate, I watched him make several slow trips for food. He put milk and sugar in her dry cereal. He cut her food and twice wiped her mouth with her napkin. He put sugar and cream in her coffee and stirred it.
When they finally finished, he helped her from her chair, helped her with her coat, straightened out her folding walker, held her arm as they left and helped her into an older model car.
That vignette made my day. Were they sweethearts? I don't know, but there certainly was a lot of love there. Not a word was spoken, but I'm sure the message was received. We could use more of that kind of "conversation" every day, not just on Valentine's Day. -- S. FROM TENNESSEE
DEAR S. FROM TENNESSEE: The demonstration of love and commitment that you witnessed transcends any message that could be given verbally, or anything that could be written on a card. You saw a demonstration of the kind of commitment that is promised when people say to each other "in sickness and in health," but few people think through when they make that vow.
Your letter touched my heart, and I thank you for sending it so I could share it with my readers on this day that celebrates love.
DEAR ABBY: My 94-year-old mother, who lives in a nursing home, has had so much fun making valentines for all her grandkids -- ages 17 to 46.
She sent a picture taken of herself in a bubble bath and wrote, "I hope your day is as happy as I am here in this picture. Proverbs 15:15, 'For the despondent every day brings troubles; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast!' Happy Valentine's Day!"
I am so proud of her attitude. -- KATHY IN KENNEWICK, WASH.
DEAR KATHY: And well you should be. Your mother sets an example we should all be fortunate enough to follow.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)