For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DAUGHTER FEARFUL OF FATHER WHO'S FALLEN OFF THE WAGON
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl and an only child. My parents, "Ellie" and "Miles," are divorced. My dad, a recovering alcoholic, relapsed last year.
Abby, I am desperate. When Miles drinks even the slightest amount, he smashes plates and mirrors, pounds his fists into doors and grabs me roughly. I'm deeply afraid that when he is very intoxicated he may one day seriously injure me. Miles is also severely depressed, so I'm constantly on "suicide watch."
Even though I attend a local Alateen chapter and am in therapy, my schoolwork is suffering, my relationships are floundering, and I'm depressed, isolated and overwhelmed. Part of me doesn't want to see my father anymore, but the other part feels extremely guilty and like I should just deal with everything on my own. Which part is right? -- CONFLICTED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR CONFLICTED: The part that's telling you to avoid your father until you're sure he's back on the wagon and no longer intimidating or violent. That little voice you're hearing is your instinct for survival.
Also, you should not be on "suicide watch." At 14, you do not have the tools to save your father from his self-destructive impulses. Under no circumstances should you be alone with him until he's dry again.
After the treatment you have experienced and the stress to which you have been subjected, it is not unusual to feel depressed, isolated and overwhelmed. That's why it is so important that you continue talking frankly with your therapist and Alateen group, where other members have had similar experiences and can relate.
Readers, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Al-Anon/Alateen, which have been mentioned before in my column, this organization offers an informative booklet online that can be downloaded, and also in softcover, free of charge. The title is "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2008." To view it online (in English, Spanish or French), log on to www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.net. To order a printed copy, e-mail wso@al-anon.org or write: Al-Anon Family Groups Inc., Attn: AFA 2008, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.
DEAR ABBY: It has happened again! Every year I make my list of New Year's resolutions, and within two weeks I have broken my vow. My downfall is bingeing on sweets, so this year I resolved to swear off chocolate.
Last night I was feeling tired and depressed, and I "found" a large chocolate bar with almonds I had stashed at the back of one of the kitchen cupboards and ate the whole thing. I'm disgusted with myself.
Every year you print your list of New Year's resolutions. But now many people actually stick to them, and if so, now do they do it? Have you any tips? -- CHOCOHOLIC IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR CHOCOHOLIC: Please stop beating up on yourself. You're not the only person who has broken a New Year's resolution. The majority of people do it sooner or later.
I do have some suggestions for establishing healthier habit patterns, and I'm pleased to share them with you:
(1) Decide what you want to achieve, but be realistic in setting your goals.
(2) Get support from friends and family.
(3) If you're trying to eliminate a bad habit, then make a plan and substitute a good habit in its place.
(4) Understand that we can learn more from our mistakes than our successes. If you slip up, don't give up. Forgive yourself and then rededicate yourself.
(5) When you do well, don't take it for granted. Look in a mirror and praise yourself out loud. Affirmations provide strong reinforcement.
And last, but not least, remember that you're not a bad person for backsliding on a New Year's resolution. If people were perfect, there would be no need for a Dear Abby.
Two Nos Don't Make a Yes for Man Who Wants to Marry
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years, after a 24-year marriage. For the last 3 1/2 years, I have been seeing a woman I'll call "Marilyn." My problem is I have proposed to Marilyn on two occasions, and she has said no both times -- yet she continues our relationship. I am 49 and she is 45.
Marilyn has never been married and never left home. She lives with her mother and 15-year-old daughter. We all get along great. I guess my question is, do I continue with the way things are, or should I try to meet someone else, take a chance and start all over again? -- WANTS A WIFE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WANTS A WIFE: You're asking the wrong person the wrong question. You should be asking yourself why you're continuing to pursue a woman who has rejected you twice. If you're happy as things are, I won't dissuade you. However, if it's a wife you're after, you should move on. As my grandfather used to say, if you're looking for trout, you won't find it fishing in a herring barrel.
DEAR ABBY: I love my fiance. We're supposed to be married soon. I can envision myself with him in the future, but I have never really been out on my own to experience life.
I think I may be bisexual. I have been attracted to a woman at work for about a month now, and I can't get her off my mind. I do want to be with my fiance -- just not right now. But if I tell him I want a break to explore who I am, I'm afraid I'll lose him forever. Please help. -- LONGING FOR SPACE
DEAR LONGING: You may love your fiance, but you are not ready to make a lifetime commitment to one person right now -- male or female. To do otherwise would be unfair to both of you.
The time has come to level with your fiance. It may -- or may not -- spell the end of the relationship, but it could also be the beginning of something more important: getting to know yourself.
Under no circumstances should you take a vow "to forsake all others" until you're absolutely sure you're able to follow through.
DEAR ABBY: I am 45 years old and in great shape. I have always taken care of myself by watching what I eat and exercising on a daily basis. I take pride in my physical and mental health, and take steps every day to achieve my goals.
People often tell me I don't need to worry about my weight, etc. Actually, I look the way I do because I DO worry about my weight!
So why do these comments bother me? And why do people make these comments? -- FULLY ALIVE AT 45
DEAR FULLY ALIVE: The remarks bother you because they negate the fact that you work hard to be the person you are. And people make them because they fail to appreciate that being mentally and physically in tip-top condition takes discipline and is an ongoing process.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have waited 36 years to marry. Most would say I was the quintessential bachelor. When I was younger, I never thought I'd date anyone with a child. I didn't want to deal with the "baggage" I thought came with dating a single mother.
Needless to say, I have been dating a delightful woman who has a 4-year-old son with whom I get along great. We've dated for a year and a half, I love her, and it's time I propose.
The three of us are a little team, and I'm wondering, when I ask her to marry me, should I involve her son and buy something for him -- and if so, what? I was thinking of a custom-made charm for a chain (remember, he's only 4). I would like it to be something he can keep with him the rest of his life. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- BACHELOR IN DOVER, N.H.
DEAR BACHELOR: Your sentiments are endearing. Because you are a "team," it would be wonderful to involve the child in the proposal. You might include him in the "surprise" for his mother, or even propose becoming a family to both of them.
However, at 4, the boy is too young to entrust with a piece of expensive jewelry -- and by the time he would be old enough to wear and appreciate it, a charm might not be in fashion, so I don't recommend it. The promise of your love and support is gift enough.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Yvonne," has been struggling with a painful issue most of her adult life. Her parents show no interest in her. This has been the case since she was young. Yvonne has continually reached out to them without success. Her mother calls maybe once a year and never sends anything for her birthday or Christmas. Her father is pretty much nonexistent.
This has been affecting my wife more and more as she gets older. She's 29 and a wonderful mother and wife, but every time she sees a mother and daughter spending time together on TV or in public, it makes her very sad. She always comments that she wishes she was like that with her mother. I have tried to console her the best I can, but it doesn't help much. What can I do to help her overcome this? -- HURTS FOR MY WIFE IN WARREN, MICH.
DEAR HURTS FOR MY WIFE: It appears you're doing all you can, but filling this hole in your wife's heart is more than a "civilian" can accomplish. She may need the help of a psychologist in order to repair the damage caused by her parents' neglect. Please suggest it to her because your wife may be more resilient than she thinks. I say this because she has been able to be an effective mother even though she had a poor role model to follow.
DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my mother has become engaged. I don't have a problem with it except for the fact that her fiance, "Harry," is younger than my brothers and me.
My father has passed away, and I do not intend to call Harry anything other than his first name. When I refer to him in conversation, should I call him my stepfather or my mother's husband? -- "STEPCHILD" IN VIRGINIA
DEAR "STEPCHILD": You are all adults. Therefore I see nothing disrespectful in referring to Harry as your mother's husband. That's what he will be.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)