Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Wealthy Friends' Generosity Troubles Middle Class Couple
DEAR ABBY: Our best friends, "Bill and Melinda," are financially well-off. My husband and I make just enough to get by. We have been friends for a long time, are extremely close and always have a good time together.
Bill and Melinda are always inviting us to go with them on expensive trips. When we say we can't afford it, they insist on paying. Abby, we don't WANT them to pay for it! We don't want to be indebted and are afraid they'll end up holding it over our heads.
Even when they pay for airfare and lodging, it still costs us a lot in meals and "fun" money. We try to pay for everything we can so we don't feel like freeloaders. Bill and Melinda don't seem to understand the financial strain these "vacations" put on us. They even offered to buy us a membership to their country club. When we explain that we're uncomfortable with them paying for everything, they tell us they don't want to go on these trips without us and that the money is no big deal.
How can we make them understand that we appreciate their generosity but are uncomfortable accepting their charity? We love them and our friendship but fear the money issue may drive a wedge between us. -- MRS. MIDDLE CLASS
DEAR MRS. MIDDLE CLASS: While the disparity in your financial means is a sensitive issue for you, please consider this: Your friends have been blessed with financial success. But while money can buy company, it isn't the basis for true friendship. You and your husband and Bill and Melinda share a lot of history and a special relationship, and they want to share their good fortune.
So accept some of their invitations. Repay their hospitality in thoughtful ways you can afford -- a meal at your home, a cookout or a picnic. But I see no reason why you should not accept their generosity in the spirit in which it's intended.
DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to the idea of keeping to the right? Most drivers observe this rule in their cars, but as soon as their feet hit the pavement, all memory of it vanishes. Our sidewalks, airports, grocery stores and shopping malls have become free-for-alls.
I was taught in school that keeping to the right prevents accidents. People have crashed into me with their grocery carts as I made a right turn from one aisle to the next and they are making a left turn along the left side. Then they look at me as if I'm in the wrong place.
Rules like this are designed to make life easier. It seems a growing number of people don't realize this is common courtesy or just don't care. I hope that by mentioning this in your column that it will remind people so our sidewalks, stores and malls will be safer for all who are walking.
If people will remember to stay to the right and pass on the left, they will see that these important rules of the road make all traffic move more smoothly. -- TIRED OF THE DO-SI-DO IN ATLANTA
DEAR TIRED: I'm pleased to print your reminder that there would be fewer collisions -- of every kind -- if we practiced good manners more of the time. And speaking as someone who has sashayed up my share of the center of supermarket aisles, I promise to be more careful in the future. Good manners are a manifestation of the respect and concern we have for others.
Sister Is Sick to Death of Brother's Gift of Life
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my brother, "Frank," donated a kidney to me. Of course I'm grateful and have told him so many times.
The problem? Frank talks about it every time I see him. If we attend a funeral, he will say that the person in the coffin would have been me if not for him. He will tell complete strangers in a store, "Ask her what I gave her!" He even took me to a school reunion picnic so he could show his former teachers what a wonderful person he is.
I'm glad I received the kidney. It has added quality to my life. But how can I let my brother know that while I am appreciative, I am also really tired of hearing him remind me every day? -- GRATEFUL SISTER IN KENTUCKY
DEAR SISTER: You may not be able to. Your brother is proud of the fact that he was able to help you. However, if he was truly convinced that he is a good person, he wouldn't feel the need to constantly point it out to strangers, acquaintances and to you.
Tempting as it may be, resist the urge to tell him you're tiring of carrying the burden of gratitude. Continue to reinforce what a good brother he was for literally giving you the gift of self, and return the favor by continuing to pump up his fragile ego. It's a fair exchange.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a busy, full-time doctoral student and live in a large apartment complex where there are only four washing machines for tenants to use.
The last time I went to do laundry, three of the washers were filled with wet clothes. I waited a half-hour and no one came to claim the clothes, so I took the items out and put them in dryers so I could start my own loads. (I didn't have any more time to wait and three loads to do.)
Was it reasonable of me to move someone else's clothes? -- ON A SCHEDULE, AZUSA, CALIF.
DEAR ON A SCHEDULE: Rather than putting the clothes into the dryers where they would take up space, you should have placed the items on top of the dryer or on a folding table where they would be easily seen by the person who left them in the washer.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for nine years, married for five. I know without a doubt that he loves me very much and would never do anything to harm our relationship, but I can't get over the fact that he has called me by his first wife's name several times. It makes me feel sad and angry when it happens.
He says he means no harm by it and points out that it has happened with other names, too, which is true. He always apologizes, but that doesn't help. Do you think he is still thinking about her after all these years, or is it an honest mistake? -- WIFE NO. 2 IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WIFE NO. 2: It's an honest mistake, and if you are smart you won't make a big deal about it or brood over it -- particularly because it has happened with other names, too. The best way to handle it is to turn it into a joke and let it go. It is in no way a reflection on you or an indication that your marriage is threatened. In fact, this kind of lapse is very common.
Sister Objects When Calls Are Broadcast on Speaker Phone
DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my sister, "Pam," and her husband bought a new telephone with all the features, including speaker, where everyone in the room can hear and contribute to the conversation.
Anytime anyone calls, they automatically punch the speaker button. I learned the hard way one day when I was discussing something very personal with Pam and heard her husband make a comment in the background.
I find speaker phones extremely rude. Pam will do dishes, work in the yard, even walk away to another room while we're talking, and I feel she doesn't give me her undivided attention. I've tried making subtle hints such as, "I'm sorry, but I can't hear you," but that hasn't worked.
Other family members feel the way I do and call her less often because they don't want a group discussion. I miss the private chats I used to share with Pam. Any suggestions? -- MARY IN WINSTON, ORE.
DEAR MARY: I do have a couple. The first is to stop dropping "subtle hints" and tell your sister plainly exactly what you have told me -- including how the rest of the family feels about what she's doing.
And if that doesn't work, teach her a lesson by starting your next conversation with, "Pam, remember when ..." and reminiscing about her most embarrassing moment -- something only a sister would know.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can answer this quickly. I'm about to start doing my Christmas cards. I keep a list of people I send cards to, so that I don't miss anyone. I also make a note if I don't receive a card from someone.
What is your opinion on removing someone from our list if we don't hear from that person for two or three years? Should I assume that the individual is mad at me, doesn't like Christmas cards, or no longer wants to be "bothered"? I'm sure I'm not alone with this question. -- PRACTICAL IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PRACTICAL: To ascribe a motive for not hearing from someone is counterproductive. I believe in direct communication, and that's what I'm suggesting for you. Pick up the phone, tell your friend you are concerned because it has been so long since you have heard from him or her -- and ask why.
There are several reasons why someone may not have exchanged cards with you. A few that spring immediately to mind are: an illness that prevented it, the family may have moved and not received the cards you have sent, or because of the increasing popularity of online greetings, people are sending fewer Christmas cards in the mail.
DEAR ABBY: From the very beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, "Rusty," I have known he was my soulmate. During one of our conversations about marriage, the subject arose of who comes first in a marriage -- the wife or the children. I was brought up to believe that the wife should come first, but Rusty disagrees. Rusty insists the children should come first.
Abby, am I wrong in my thinking? What happened to a man and a woman becoming one? Oh, by the way, Rusty has a 10-year-old girl from a previous relationship. -- WONDERING IN HOT SPRINGS, ARK.
DEAR WONDERING: Forgive me if this seems negative, but while you may "know" that Rusty is your soulmate, I am not convinced. If the discussion you mentioned came about because of Rusty's daughter, then he has made clear to you who comes first. And if you're smart, you won't turn it into a competition. You'll look for an unencumbered man who can give you what you need.