To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Tattooed Mom Greets Curious Stares With a Friendly Smile
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Future Skin Artist, Port Huron, Mich." (Aug. 7), the 18-year-old male who wants to be a tattoo and piercing artist and who sports 20 piercings and a tattoo. He was complaining about the stares and cruel remarks he got from people.
I am a devoted 33-year-old mom of an 8-year-old son. I have a degree in computer forensics, a successful career, 34 piercings and 20 tattoos.
I started by getting my tongue and eyebrow pierced when I was 18. I have had to deal with all the same issues, and it used to frustrate me. Over the years, I have learned a few things about dealing with people.
Most people are not trying to be rude or offensive -- they're just curious. It is essential to not be rude to them, but to smile and answer, "Of course it hurt, but it's not so bad."
I worked with a lady who was shocked when she saw me with my jewelry in. She said she could not believe that a nice person like me could have "those ugly things that criminals wear." After a discussion, she told me that she realized her stereotypes were wrong and would never judge a person that way again. It was one of the proudest days of my life. -- GINGER IN MARYLAND
DEAR GINGER: Thank you for your input. I was impressed by the upbeat nature of the responses to that young man's letter. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: To the 18-year-old aspiring piercer/tattoo artist in Port Huron: If this is your future career, don't you realize that YOU are the best advertising you can get for your future business? You can't pay for the type of promotion you can give yourself.
If you really are as "nice" and "respectable" a human being as you say you are, answer people's questions with a smile and hand them your business card. Start a Web site and explain why you want to be a body modification artist. Keep people updated on how far along you are on your project.
You are in charge of how you will be perceived. Leave folks with a good impression and become the best tattoo artist in the Thumb! (That's a part of Michigan, for you outsiders.) -- MICHIGAN RICK IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: Advising "Future Skin Artist" to move to Los Angeles was highly impractical. There is an overabundance of piercing/tattoo artists in California, particularly in L.A. He would be far better off to find a well-known, respected person in the field and approach that individual about an apprenticeship to learn the craft. -- PROUD PAINTED LADY IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: Tell that guy to move to Pittsburgh. In my neighborhood, piercings, body art and fluorescent hair are as common as business people in suits. He wouldn't get a second glance here. Plus, Pittsburgh's a heck of a lot closer to his hometown than L.A. -- TATTOOED BANKER
DEAR ABBY: When people gawk or ask questions, he should respond, "We must all suffer for our art." -- MOM WHO UNDERSTANDS
DEAR ABBY: Congratulations to "Future Skin Artist." You have a passion and know what you want to do in life. Some 40-year-olds still have no clue what they want to be when they grow up.
You'll hear comments about your appearance all your life. When someone asks about a piercing or tat, offer them your business card. You are a walking billboard. I wish you the best of luck! -- MIDWEST MARY
COUPLE CAN'T SEE SOLUTION TO VEXING VISION PROBLEM
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single 59-year-old man who is dating an attractive 40-year-old woman. I wear glasses, and she wears contact lenses, which she takes out before we go to bed at night. Of course, I remove my glasses.
The problem is, when we become intimate, we can barely see each other -- even with the lights on. We want to know what each other looks like when we're making love. Any suggestions? -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN ROGERS, ARK.
DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: I am not a vision expert, and this is something you should discuss with your eye-care professional. However, because you are both blind as bats without corrective lenses, perhaps it's time you considered the Braille method.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 37 years recently purchased our tombstones and had them installed on our cemetery plots. I didn't even know about this latest purchase -- only the plots. He even had both our names and birthdates put on the tombstones. I was shocked to receive photos of them from the funeral home.
I had previously mentioned to him that I'm not sure if I want to be buried in Wisconsin and to please not put my name on the stone now. I always thought married couples should discuss such details before making a decision.
I am having a really hard time with this. He has been secretive and domineering. I feel betrayed and no longer feel I can trust him. Am I wrong on this? -- DESPERATE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR DESPERATE: If your husband has always been secretive and domineering, then this is the man you married, and this latest episode is just more of the same. If, however, he has recently BECOME secretive and domineering, it is important for you to discuss this with your family doctor because your husband may need to be medically and neurologically evaluated.
Women usually outlive men, so your husband may have jumped the gun in making this decision "for" you. Look at the bright side. If he predeceases you, you can sell the second cemetery plot, take a lovely cruise and have the stone turned into a planter.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Madge," lives 1,400 miles away, and my husband and I rarely see her. Because of issues in the past, I do not care for her company -- and that's putting it mildly.
Yesterday, Madge called my husband and invited herself and my sister-in-law to Thanksgiving dinner with MY family! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I look forward to spending the time with my family, especially those I only get to see a few times a year. How can I tell Madge that they can't come without making them angry? -- T-DAY WITH MY FAMILY
DEAR T-DAY: Obviously, you can't -- and neither could your husband. You can, however, control to some extent how much contact you have with her if you have assigned seating.
Put Madge and your sister-in-law at the other end of the table on either side of your husband. Keep a smile on your face and stay busy with all the "duties" a hostess must perform. You'll get through it. And next year, tell your husband to check with you before allowing his mother to invite herself.
New Mother's Boredom May Be Sign of a Serious Issue
DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old, married for four years and have an 8-month-old son. For years I knew I wanted children and that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother for as long as possible. I am taking a year or two off from work as a teacher to stay home with my son.
My problem is, I find playing with my son tedious, boring and frustrating. I don't mind caring for his needs, such as cleaning and feeding, but the actual playtime -- the part that is supposed to be fun, stimulating and so important to his emotional, physical and social growth -- bores me out of my mind.
I spend each day waiting for my son to nap so I can read, go online or watch TV, and I count the hours until my husband gets home so I can hand him the baby. I am seriously concerned that something is wrong with me as a mother, especially because I have suffered from depression in the past. Is this a dirty little secret that many mothers keep? -– NEW MOM IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR NEW MOM: No, it is not, and you are right to be concerned. For your sake as well as your son's, it is important that you discuss your feelings with your OB-GYN to make sure you are not suffering from postpartum depression, which is treatable.
You should also consider joining a playgroup, so you will have the company of other mothers. It will give you a healthier perspective than escaping by reading, watching TV or going online.
DEAR ABBY: Have you heard of middle child syndrome? You know, when you are the middle child and your parents seem to spoil and love your older and younger siblings but not you? I'm a 16-year-old girl who has this problem.
I have an older brother and younger sister. My parents love and spoil them but not me. Please don't tell me it's my age or because I'm a girl, because this has been going on ever since I can remember. -- MIDDLE CHILD IN HACKENSACK, N.J.
DEAR MIDDLE CHILD: Yes, I have heard of middle child syndrome. And there are cases where the oldest child -- or the baby -- is favored, but it does not happen in every family.
However, I do not think the phenomenon of parents playing favorites is as common as you would like to believe. Each child is loved for different reasons, but all are valued because every child is unique.
Because you feel you have been overlooked, perhaps it's time to turn your frustration into an effort to excel at something. That way, you will find recognition and validation from both your family and from sources outside it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 12-year-old boy who is friends with a girl I'll call "Jenny." She is beautiful, and I want to ask her to the school dance, but there's a problem. My best friend, "Matthew," also likes her.
Truthfully, I think I have a better shot at getting her to go with me because I know she doesn't like Matthew. But if she goes to the dance with me, my friendship with Matthew will be wrecked. What do I do? -- J.D. IN FLORIDA
DEAR J.D.: It's a school dance -- why not go stag? That way you can ask anyone you want to dance, and if Jenny likes you better than Matthew, she may choose to spend more time with you than with him.
DEAR READERS: Today is Election Day -- finally. I hope to be the last person to remind you to get out there and cast your ballots!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)