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New Mother's Boredom May Be Sign of a Serious Issue
DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old, married for four years and have an 8-month-old son. For years I knew I wanted children and that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother for as long as possible. I am taking a year or two off from work as a teacher to stay home with my son.
My problem is, I find playing with my son tedious, boring and frustrating. I don't mind caring for his needs, such as cleaning and feeding, but the actual playtime -- the part that is supposed to be fun, stimulating and so important to his emotional, physical and social growth -- bores me out of my mind.
I spend each day waiting for my son to nap so I can read, go online or watch TV, and I count the hours until my husband gets home so I can hand him the baby. I am seriously concerned that something is wrong with me as a mother, especially because I have suffered from depression in the past. Is this a dirty little secret that many mothers keep? -– NEW MOM IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR NEW MOM: No, it is not, and you are right to be concerned. For your sake as well as your son's, it is important that you discuss your feelings with your OB-GYN to make sure you are not suffering from postpartum depression, which is treatable.
You should also consider joining a playgroup, so you will have the company of other mothers. It will give you a healthier perspective than escaping by reading, watching TV or going online.
DEAR ABBY: Have you heard of middle child syndrome? You know, when you are the middle child and your parents seem to spoil and love your older and younger siblings but not you? I'm a 16-year-old girl who has this problem.
I have an older brother and younger sister. My parents love and spoil them but not me. Please don't tell me it's my age or because I'm a girl, because this has been going on ever since I can remember. -- MIDDLE CHILD IN HACKENSACK, N.J.
DEAR MIDDLE CHILD: Yes, I have heard of middle child syndrome. And there are cases where the oldest child -- or the baby -- is favored, but it does not happen in every family.
However, I do not think the phenomenon of parents playing favorites is as common as you would like to believe. Each child is loved for different reasons, but all are valued because every child is unique.
Because you feel you have been overlooked, perhaps it's time to turn your frustration into an effort to excel at something. That way, you will find recognition and validation from both your family and from sources outside it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 12-year-old boy who is friends with a girl I'll call "Jenny." She is beautiful, and I want to ask her to the school dance, but there's a problem. My best friend, "Matthew," also likes her.
Truthfully, I think I have a better shot at getting her to go with me because I know she doesn't like Matthew. But if she goes to the dance with me, my friendship with Matthew will be wrecked. What do I do? -- J.D. IN FLORIDA
DEAR J.D.: It's a school dance -- why not go stag? That way you can ask anyone you want to dance, and if Jenny likes you better than Matthew, she may choose to spend more time with you than with him.
DEAR READERS: Today is Election Day -- finally. I hope to be the last person to remind you to get out there and cast your ballots!
DEAR ABBY: Parental alienation is a topic I have never seen addressed in your column. It is a problem with many divorces involving children. I think my brother is a victim of it. He lives in a different state than his little boy, but pays child support.
Abby, his ex continuously harasses him via text messaging and late-night phone calls, accusing him of things she thinks happened when they were together. You'd think she hasn't moved on, but she has a new husband!
She agreed that my brother could call his son twice a week, but she rarely answers the phone during these scheduled "visits." She is now trying harder to keep my brother out of his son's life. She even told my nephew that the presents my brother sent him for Christmas came from her new husband!
My brother can't afford a lawyer right now, but he is moving to Florida in the near future and I would like to help him resolve this issue. What are your thoughts on parental alienation? -- FRUSTRATED SIS IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED SIS: The kind of anger, selfishness and vindictiveness you have described are unhealthy for everyone involved. Obviously, your former sister-in-law has not moved on. She's still stuck in trying to retaliate against your brother. She's expending the energy and attention she should be devoting to her new marriage and new husband to punishing her last one.
And as for your nephew, when a child grows up believing his father thought he was unimportant and expendable, it can negatively affect his sense of self-worth.
There is an effective resource available to your brother -- the Children's Rights Council (CRC). For many years this organization has worked to prevent children from being victimized by their parents' divorces, something which happens all too often. The CRC has 57 chapters in 37 states, and its Web site is www.crckids.org. Its president, David L. Levy, J.D., is a nationally known expert on children and edited "The Best Parent Is Both Parents" (Hampton Roads Publishing). Please advise your brother to contact this group.
DEAR ABBY: I met a woman online and have had several dates with her, including hikes to beautiful locations where I took some pictures of her with her camera. Now she has posted them on her dating profile.
I'm a little peeved about seeing photos I took displayed on her profile -- presumably to attract other men -- but I don't feel we're close enough yet to ask her to take them down.
Am I being too sensitive? She says she wants to continue dating others. Can you tell me what you think would be an appropriate response from me, if any? -- SHUTTERBUG IN KINGSPORT, TENN.
DEAR SHUTTERBUG: You and this lady have just met. If she wants to continue dating others, that's her privilege. That she is using pictures you took of her as part of her profile was a compliment to your skills, but also a signal that she is not particularly interested in you.
An appropriate response would be to tell her she hurt your feelings, and for you to continue dating other women because this one does not appear to be "The One."
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Boss's Political Pontificating Wears Out Those Around Him
DEAR ABBY: I work for a small, family-owned business. The owner has strong political views and insists on listening to a political talk show during the afternoon, with the volume turned up quite loud.
My boss assumes that his views are everyone else's and talks to customers as if his opinion is gospel. I have watched them roll their eyes and try to get away. I have worked here for three years, and I can't take it anymore. My co-workers say I can't say anything because he owns the business, and he can do whatever he wants. I have looked for another job, but this is a small town and jobs are scarce.
I think it's inappropriate to force one's political views on anyone, especially employees and customers. What's your take on this? -- FED UP IN NEW YORK
DEAR FED UP: I agree with you. However, all too often, zealous members of both parties are unable to resist the temptation to spout off -- especially during an election year. I don't know what business your employer is in, but if anyone else in your town performs the same service without the political arm-twisting, it could cost him some customers.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-boyfriend has cerebral palsy. I have loved him for more than a year, regardless of his condition. He broke up with me because he didn't think he could love someone if he didn't love himself.
We are still good friends and care for each other. He often asks me what he can do to feel better. What can I do to help him feel better about himself? -- HELPING A FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HELPING: Offer him this advice: The surest way to start feeling better would be to stop focusing on his disability and concentrate instead on his abilities. I'm sure he possesses many unique qualities that make him special -- and you can list them if you like. But until he is willing to recognize that he has those qualities, he won't accept it.
Counseling could help him tear down the barriers he is building around himself. Independent-living centers provide help for people with disabilities, and I'm sure one in your area could put him in touch with someone who is qualified to talk to him -- including a peer.
DEAR ABBY: I have had an on-again, off-again relationship with this guy, "Dustin," for more than five years. We are now "off" again, but I can't stop thinking about him.
I dream about Dustin quite often. It was my decision to end the relationship because I was tired of wasting my time. We get along well, but he lies and cheats. He calls and hangs up and texts me periodically, but I haven't spoken with him in more than two months.
I love Dustin dearly, and the love I feel for him never changes. Even though I am living without him, I can't help but wonder if he is really my soul mate. Is there really such a thing as a soul mate? -- LOST IN LOVE IN RIVERDALE, ILL.
DEAR LOST: The American Heritage College Dictionary (Fourth Edition) defines "soul mate" as "one of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view or sensitivity" -- and, yes, there really is such a thing.
However, from your description of the way Dustin has treated you, this man is decidedly not it. Because you can't get him out of your head, Dustin qualifies as your obsession, not your soul mate.
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