For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boss's Political Pontificating Wears Out Those Around Him
DEAR ABBY: I work for a small, family-owned business. The owner has strong political views and insists on listening to a political talk show during the afternoon, with the volume turned up quite loud.
My boss assumes that his views are everyone else's and talks to customers as if his opinion is gospel. I have watched them roll their eyes and try to get away. I have worked here for three years, and I can't take it anymore. My co-workers say I can't say anything because he owns the business, and he can do whatever he wants. I have looked for another job, but this is a small town and jobs are scarce.
I think it's inappropriate to force one's political views on anyone, especially employees and customers. What's your take on this? -- FED UP IN NEW YORK
DEAR FED UP: I agree with you. However, all too often, zealous members of both parties are unable to resist the temptation to spout off -- especially during an election year. I don't know what business your employer is in, but if anyone else in your town performs the same service without the political arm-twisting, it could cost him some customers.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-boyfriend has cerebral palsy. I have loved him for more than a year, regardless of his condition. He broke up with me because he didn't think he could love someone if he didn't love himself.
We are still good friends and care for each other. He often asks me what he can do to feel better. What can I do to help him feel better about himself? -- HELPING A FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HELPING: Offer him this advice: The surest way to start feeling better would be to stop focusing on his disability and concentrate instead on his abilities. I'm sure he possesses many unique qualities that make him special -- and you can list them if you like. But until he is willing to recognize that he has those qualities, he won't accept it.
Counseling could help him tear down the barriers he is building around himself. Independent-living centers provide help for people with disabilities, and I'm sure one in your area could put him in touch with someone who is qualified to talk to him -- including a peer.
DEAR ABBY: I have had an on-again, off-again relationship with this guy, "Dustin," for more than five years. We are now "off" again, but I can't stop thinking about him.
I dream about Dustin quite often. It was my decision to end the relationship because I was tired of wasting my time. We get along well, but he lies and cheats. He calls and hangs up and texts me periodically, but I haven't spoken with him in more than two months.
I love Dustin dearly, and the love I feel for him never changes. Even though I am living without him, I can't help but wonder if he is really my soul mate. Is there really such a thing as a soul mate? -- LOST IN LOVE IN RIVERDALE, ILL.
DEAR LOST: The American Heritage College Dictionary (Fourth Edition) defines "soul mate" as "one of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view or sensitivity" -- and, yes, there really is such a thing.
However, from your description of the way Dustin has treated you, this man is decidedly not it. Because you can't get him out of your head, Dustin qualifies as your obsession, not your soul mate.
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago a longtime friend and business associate I'll call "Brian" lost his wife. They had been married for nine years. Brian and I have shared many conversations over the years and know details of each other's lives. He's a remarkable person with outstanding values and a wonderful heart.
I have been legally separated for a year and am in the process of getting a divorce.
I feel terrible for Brian. I know he loved his wife and was committed to her. I feel an overwhelming desire to comfort him, but have held back because it might be a problem because of our circumstances. We have much in common and really enjoy each other's company, and I do feel drawn to him. But I don't want people talking negatively about us, as if there were something going on.
How can I let Brian know I'd like to be there for him without revealing that I would like more? I realize it is inappropriate to infringe on his period of mourning, but I would like him to know I have a genuine interest in him. -- FROM A DISTANCE
DEAR FROM A DISTANCE: It would not be an infringement on this man's period of mourning to pick up the phone, tell him you heard the sad news about his wife's passing and offer your deepest sympathy for his loss, because you know how devoted he and his wife were to each other. It would also not be an infringement to invite him for a home-cooked meal if he wants one.
But don't be surprised if he tells you the last thing he needs is a home-cooked meal because these days, when an eligible man is widowed, the eligible ladies are often not as restrained as you are, and line up at the widower's door within days of the funeral. "The early bird gets the worm."
DEAR ABBY: May I pass on some information that may be helpful to your readers? I work at a mail-processing center.
Some people use the self-addressed envelopes sent to them by businesses and organizations for other purposes. These envelopes have bar codes on them. When people recycle them, they cross out the organization's name and address but forget to cross out the bar code. Therefore, the envelope gets sent to the business that provided it, rather than to the party to whom it has been readdressed.
Sometimes this happens even after the bar code has been blackened out. We have received tax payments, personal letters, credit card payments -- you name it. We do return this mail to the post office, but I am sure it takes a while for it to get to the correct address. I feel bad for people having to endure the delay this causes.
My advice: If you must use these envelopes, please make sure you completely cover up or black out the original bar code. -- TRYING TO HELP IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TRYING TO HELP: You are helping. I am sure many of my thrifty readers will thank you for the heads-up.
DEAR READERS: It's time for my "timely" reminder that Daylight Saving Time ends at 2 this Sunday morning. Don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour tonight when you go to bed. (That's what I'll be doing!)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bad Feelings Spoil Whole Bushel of Neighbor's Apples
DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, out of the blue, my middle-aged neighbor, "Ed," brought over a bushel of apples from his tree. He told me he didn't want them to go to waste, and he wasn't going to do anything with them. I told Ed I didn't want them, but he left them with me anyway.
Reluctantly, I spent my days off peeling, coring and cooking them into batches of apple crisp, pies and jam. I gave away all of the items to friends and family, and saved one pie to give to Ed.
When I took it over to him, he said, "Is that it? What did you do with all the rest?" When I told him I had given everything else away, Ed got upset and said he should have gotten more because they were his apples!
Abby, I am just furious. I didn't want, ask for or need those apples in the first place. I worked hard preparing them, and the last thing I expected was for my neighbor to be so ungrateful. Am I overreacting? I seriously want nothing more to do with the man. -- OFFENDED IN APPLETON, WIS.
DEAR OFFENDED: Once your neighbor gave you the bushel of apples, they were yours to do with as you chose. While it would have been generous of you to have given him a sample of each of the items you created with them, you were under no obligation to do so. To hold a grudge against this presumptuous man is a waste of time, so let it go. Something tells me he won't burden you with his apples again anytime soon.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married very young by today's standards. We met when I was 17, started dating when I was 18, became engaged at 19 and married at 20. My family supported the marriage. We completed a full year of premarital counseling and a weekend marriage course, as well. We're financially stable and very much in love.
Two years later, we're still happy as ever and know that marrying was the right choice for us.
Acquaintances and strangers often feel the need to tell us that our marriage "won't last." Some even go as far as to say, "Are you crazy? Why would you do that?" Is there a polite way to respond to these comments? We find them hurtful and insulting. -- YOUNG AND IN LOVE
DEAR IN LOVE: Those comments are not only rude and insulting, they are also presumptuous, and a reflection of the speakers' biases and possible problems with making a commitment. But please do not sink to their level. Marrying late is no guarantee that the union will be successful, either. To those who say it won't last, smile and reply, "Time will tell." It's the truth.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem remembering people's names, even though I have been attending church with some of them for nearly 10 years. It's embarrassing when someone greets me and I can't recall his or her name. Have you any suggestions for me? -- BEWILDERED IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR BEWILDERED: Your problem is very common. Some people have solved it by using word association when they meet people, and by repeating the name after being introduced. Example: "It's nice to meet you, (true, blue) Sue." (The true and blue are, of course, silent.) A group picture from the church newsletter with a caption underneath can also be a powerful memory-jogger if you look at it before you leave for church.
If all else fails, fall back on that old show-business standby, "DAHLING, you look MAH-velous!"
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)