DEAR READERS: It's time for my "timely" reminder that Daylight Saving Time ends at 2 this Sunday morning. Don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour tonight when you go to bed. (That's what I'll be doing!)
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago a longtime friend and business associate I'll call "Brian" lost his wife. They had been married for nine years. Brian and I have shared many conversations over the years and know details of each other's lives. He's a remarkable person with outstanding values and a wonderful heart.
I have been legally separated for a year and am in the process of getting a divorce.
I feel terrible for Brian. I know he loved his wife and was committed to her. I feel an overwhelming desire to comfort him, but have held back because it might be a problem because of our circumstances. We have much in common and really enjoy each other's company, and I do feel drawn to him. But I don't want people talking negatively about us, as if there were something going on.
How can I let Brian know I'd like to be there for him without revealing that I would like more? I realize it is inappropriate to infringe on his period of mourning, but I would like him to know I have a genuine interest in him. -- FROM A DISTANCE
DEAR FROM A DISTANCE: It would not be an infringement on this man's period of mourning to pick up the phone, tell him you heard the sad news about his wife's passing and offer your deepest sympathy for his loss, because you know how devoted he and his wife were to each other. It would also not be an infringement to invite him for a home-cooked meal if he wants one.
But don't be surprised if he tells you the last thing he needs is a home-cooked meal because these days, when an eligible man is widowed, the eligible ladies are often not as restrained as you are, and line up at the widower's door within days of the funeral. "The early bird gets the worm."
DEAR ABBY: May I pass on some information that may be helpful to your readers? I work at a mail-processing center.
Some people use the self-addressed envelopes sent to them by businesses and organizations for other purposes. These envelopes have bar codes on them. When people recycle them, they cross out the organization's name and address but forget to cross out the bar code. Therefore, the envelope gets sent to the business that provided it, rather than to the party to whom it has been readdressed.
Sometimes this happens even after the bar code has been blackened out. We have received tax payments, personal letters, credit card payments -- you name it. We do return this mail to the post office, but I am sure it takes a while for it to get to the correct address. I feel bad for people having to endure the delay this causes.
My advice: If you must use these envelopes, please make sure you completely cover up or black out the original bar code. -- TRYING TO HELP IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TRYING TO HELP: You are helping. I am sure many of my thrifty readers will thank you for the heads-up.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bad Feelings Spoil Whole Bushel of Neighbor's Apples
DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, out of the blue, my middle-aged neighbor, "Ed," brought over a bushel of apples from his tree. He told me he didn't want them to go to waste, and he wasn't going to do anything with them. I told Ed I didn't want them, but he left them with me anyway.
Reluctantly, I spent my days off peeling, coring and cooking them into batches of apple crisp, pies and jam. I gave away all of the items to friends and family, and saved one pie to give to Ed.
When I took it over to him, he said, "Is that it? What did you do with all the rest?" When I told him I had given everything else away, Ed got upset and said he should have gotten more because they were his apples!
Abby, I am just furious. I didn't want, ask for or need those apples in the first place. I worked hard preparing them, and the last thing I expected was for my neighbor to be so ungrateful. Am I overreacting? I seriously want nothing more to do with the man. -- OFFENDED IN APPLETON, WIS.
DEAR OFFENDED: Once your neighbor gave you the bushel of apples, they were yours to do with as you chose. While it would have been generous of you to have given him a sample of each of the items you created with them, you were under no obligation to do so. To hold a grudge against this presumptuous man is a waste of time, so let it go. Something tells me he won't burden you with his apples again anytime soon.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married very young by today's standards. We met when I was 17, started dating when I was 18, became engaged at 19 and married at 20. My family supported the marriage. We completed a full year of premarital counseling and a weekend marriage course, as well. We're financially stable and very much in love.
Two years later, we're still happy as ever and know that marrying was the right choice for us.
Acquaintances and strangers often feel the need to tell us that our marriage "won't last." Some even go as far as to say, "Are you crazy? Why would you do that?" Is there a polite way to respond to these comments? We find them hurtful and insulting. -- YOUNG AND IN LOVE
DEAR IN LOVE: Those comments are not only rude and insulting, they are also presumptuous, and a reflection of the speakers' biases and possible problems with making a commitment. But please do not sink to their level. Marrying late is no guarantee that the union will be successful, either. To those who say it won't last, smile and reply, "Time will tell." It's the truth.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem remembering people's names, even though I have been attending church with some of them for nearly 10 years. It's embarrassing when someone greets me and I can't recall his or her name. Have you any suggestions for me? -- BEWILDERED IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR BEWILDERED: Your problem is very common. Some people have solved it by using word association when they meet people, and by repeating the name after being introduced. Example: "It's nice to meet you, (true, blue) Sue." (The true and blue are, of course, silent.) A group picture from the church newsletter with a caption underneath can also be a powerful memory-jogger if you look at it before you leave for church.
If all else fails, fall back on that old show-business standby, "DAHLING, you look MAH-velous!"
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Deserted Gal Pal Can't Deny Pain of Strained Friendship
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Steven," and I have known each other 10 years. He and I have seen each other through many good times, and a few bad ones.
Most recently, Steven was in a relationship with a woman who couldn't stand the thought of his having female friends. So, for the last 18 months, the only contact I have had with him was via e-mail -- and that was very seldom.
Steven recently e-mailed me saying he had broken up with this insecure woman. He expressed how sorry he was for the limited contact, and said he would like for us to rebuild our friendship. I'm thrilled to finally have my friend back, but I also feel somewhat resentful toward him for his having discarded me.
Abby, I missed Steven. But how can I be his pal again when I am still hurt by his blatant disregard for our friendship and my feelings over the past year and a half? -- UNCERTAIN IN LONG BEACH
DEAR UNCERTAIN: The surest way to put this unhappy chapter in your relationship behind you would be to tell your friend how hurt you were, how abandoned you felt, talk it through and listen to what he has to say. Frankly, no one can blame you for feeling as you do. You were cut off through no fault of your own. And only time will tell if Steven has learned his lesson, so it won't happen again.
DEAR ABBY: For the last seven months I have been planning a Florida vacation with two of my girlfriends. However, one of them, "Heather," has just announced that she will be having foot surgery before we leave. She will be in a cast and able to walk only with the use of crutches. I hoped that Heather would cancel, but she's still planning to come anyway.
Abby, I don't want to take care of her on my only vacation. Am I being selfish? Should we let her come and just sit in the condo while we go out to explore? I'm afraid our friendship will suffer. What should I do? -- VACATION-BOUND IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR VACATION-BOUND: True friends can level with each other. Talk to Heather now and explain your concerns, including your fear that she will be stuck in the condo while you and your other friend will be out and about. Ask if she has thought this through.
You might be surprised to find that she'll be perfectly happy sitting in the condo, by a swimming pool or on the beach. If she takes the trip as planned, do your exploring and enjoy yourself. Heather can enjoy your adventures vicariously, as well as the experience of being "away," even if it's not the vacation she originally envisioned.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl with my own set of problems. I had a horrible childhood, but I love to read.
I read a series of novels that I grew very fond of, but in the last book the protagonist died. I cried. Can you tell me why I'm so attached? -- TEEN READER
DEAR READER: Books can be wonderfully entertaining and informative, and they can also be an escape from reality. It's possible that you spent so much time in the "world" the author created that the protagonist became like a good friend. You became so emotionally invested that you felt a sense of loss when the character was no more. It's no different than becoming emotional watching a sad movie. It means the author did a good job.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)