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HUSBAND IS RACKED BY GUILT DESPITE AVOIDING TEMPTATION
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for a number of years. I'm not what you would call "hot" -– far from it, actually. But for some reason, women have always been attracted to me.
It doesn't matter where I work, there always seems to be some woman coming on to me. I have never cheated on my wife -- never! I have always told the interested party that I'm married and love my wife and kids, and would never do anything to destroy what we have.
About a year ago, my wife and I hit a rough spot. I met a woman who was having problems with her boyfriend. We were attracted to each other and became quite close. We never did anything physically. We never spoke of love, and both recognized that we were only infatuated.
My problem is this is the first time I was really tempted. I resisted, thank God, but feel terribly guilty about it. My head says telling my wife would help relieve my guilt, but nothing else. Ultimately, it would hurt her.
Because nothing actually "happened," should I listen to my head, or should I go with my heart, which says to tell her everything? This is eating me up inside. -- CONSUMED BY GUILT IN N.Y.
DEAR CONSUMED: Perhaps it's time to take a good look at your conduct at work and the kind of signals you're sending to female co-workers. For one or two of them to come on to you might be accidental in a lifetime. But if they're coming on to you in droves as you suggest, it's because you're sending out signals that you're available.
I see nothing to be gained by telling your wife that you "almost" committed adultery. To do so will only create insecurity where once she had complete confidence. Nothing happened, and for that you are to be commended. Because you feel the need to expiate your guilt, confide in a trusted religious adviser who will keep your confidence. And please stop flirting with danger, or you WILL get burned.
DEAR ABBY: To my grown children's dismay, I am in love with a man who is in prison for murder. He still has a lot of time left to serve, and I'm older than he is.
I send him money -- my money -- and write him almost daily. My son thinks I'm "wasting my time," but I am happy. Any opinion? -- MARY IN COLUMBUS, OHIO
DEAR MARY: If you are happy, then far be it from me to rain on your parade. However, I must caution you. Inmates have been known to write to multiple "pen pals," involving them in romances and milking them for money. If you wish to continue with this arrangement, please do it with your eyes wide open.
DEAR ABBY: Our first child is nearly a year old, and I am planning his first birthday party. My in-laws and my parents do not get along, and my in-laws have threatened not to come if my parents are present.
My husband and I have made it clear that we do not agree with this. We feel they should be able to put aside their differences for one day for the sake of their grandchild. Should we bend to their stubbornness and have two separate birthday parties -– one for each side of the family? –- TORN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TORN: Absolutely not. To do so would set a terrible precedent. Make sure your husband's parents know the time and place of the celebration and that they are welcome. If they choose not to attend, then so be it.
Stubborn Tot Plays Hard to Get With Frustrated Grandmother
DEAR ABBY: After 12 years on the West Coast, my husband and I moved back East last year with our 3-year-old son, "Adam." My parents, my husband's mom and our siblings live here, and we wanted Adam to know his family.
The problem is, our son has taken to everyone except my mother. He'll hug and kiss everyone but her. He kisses the others in front of her, but crosses his arms over his chest and says, "No!" or runs away if he's asked to kiss her.
At first, Mom said it was OK because Adam needed time to adjust to her. But it has been a year, and he has barely given her two pecks. She says Adam doesn't like her. But he plays with her and has fun with her. Mom is now hinting that I need to teach him to "respect" her. She has referred to him as a "little brat" to others (in front of me) when he refused to be affectionate. I think she's being childish.
I can't force my son to be affectionate with Grandma, and if I continue to press it, he may never be. What can I do to make Mom feel better? –- ADAM'S MOMMY
DEAR MOMMY: The subject of showing affection to Granny should be dropped. The harder you push your son, the more resistant he will become. Nor should your child be told to kiss anyone else. ("Kiss Auntie Abby! Kiss Uncle Walter!") Yech.
You say Adam enjoys playing and having fun with his grandmother. Has it occurred to you that he has turned his refusal to demonstrate affection to her into another game? Don't push. Let it happen. And please tell your mother not to let a 3-year-old ruin her day. He may be acting like a brat, but she's the grown-up, and she should be able to rise above it.
DEAR ABBY: I have fallen in love with "Chris," an amazingly thoughtful, supportive, caring man. We have been dating for seven months. We have many values and interests in common, such as religion, social justice and the great outdoors. However, Chris is visually impaired.
Chris can't drive and has trouble reading regular type or street signs. My parents, whose opinion I respect, are against the relationship because of Chris' genetic disability and his race.
Should I continue this relationship? I know real love is a rare gift, yet I worry that I may be setting myself up for problems in the future. I'm afraid I may end up resenting Chris for what he can't do, and my parents for not accepting him. I would greatly appreciate some advice. Should love be blind? –- INDECISIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR INDECISIVE: Although love is often blind, couples are better off if they go into relationships with their eyes wide open.
People with disabilities often have abilities that enable them to contribute meaningfully to the community, as well as to their families. Do they have obstacles? Certainly. Can they be accommodated? Usually.
You have serious decisions to make about your future. Your parents' unwillingness to accept Chris because of his race will cause a serious rift if you proceed. Is your love for him strong enough to marry him anyway? If the answer is yes, then you and Chris should consult a geneticist to see what the odds are of your children inheriting his disability should you decide to have any.
You are asking all the right questions. However, some of the answers will have to come from within.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Baby Sitter Gets Scare of Her Life in Late Night Drive Home
DEAR ABBY: Please print this as a warning to other teenagers.
A couple from church asked me to baby-sit their three kids from 7:30 until 11 p.m. last weekend. My problems began when they didn't pick me up until 9.
When they didn't return at the time they had promised, I began to worry. When they finally showed up at 1 a.m., they dropped a measly $6 in my hand. Then the husband drove me home. He reeked of booze and swerved all over the road. It was the most terrifying ride of my life. I was shaking all over by the time we arrived.
The next day my dad called the police and told them the man had driven me home drunk. They said that if he had called the previous night, they'd have gone over and taken a Breathalyzer test, but they could do nothing after the fact.
My mom then called the woman, who swore her husband hadn't been drunk. When Mom asked her for my going rate ($3 an hour, plus double time after midnight, which would have been $15 or $19.50, if you count the time I was booked for), the woman hung up on her.
Some important lessons I learned that night:
1. Agree on the wage beforehand.
2. If the driver appears drunk (or stoned), call your parent, a friend or a taxi even if it costs you your wages to get home. NEVER get into a car with someone you think is impaired just to be polite.
3. Don't automatically trust someone because you go to the same church. Always get references and baby-sit only for people you know well. -- WISER NOW IN CANADA
DEAR WISER NOW: That's excellent advice, and I hope my younger readers will take it to heart. Watching children is a heavy responsibility that requires maturity and judgment. It should be planned so that it's fun, fair and safe for everyone concerned.
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old brother, "Josh," is obese. He spends more than four hours a day playing video games or watching TV. He doesn't worry about what he eats and has low self-esteem.
I am active, and I changed my eating and exercise habits not only to benefit my health but also to be a role model for my younger siblings. When I offer to do fun activities with Josh -– like playing football, basketball or taking our dog for a walk around the block -- he tells me to go away and quit talking to him.
My parents say it isn't my problem and I should worry about my own life. Abby, I don't ever tell Josh he is heavy. I never tease him, and I don't nag him. I know it isn't my problem, but my parents don't give my brother any motivation, discipline or limit his TV time.
I want my brother to be happy. I don't want him to suffer. What should I do to help him? I have told him –- and my parents –- how I feel, but they don't seem to care. –- HEALTHIER SIS IN HONOLULU
DEAR SIS: Part of the problem you're having getting through to your brother may be because you are so close to him, his tuning you out is reflexive. A better solution might be to talk to someone at his school about your concerns -- a counselor or the school nurse.
It's not unheard of for a child who spends four hours a day alone, watching TV, playing video games and seeking comfort in food to have issues that go beyond the physical. Perhaps, if someone from the school talks to your parents, they might become more proactive in helping their son.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)