Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Baby Sitter Gets Scare of Her Life in Late Night Drive Home
DEAR ABBY: Please print this as a warning to other teenagers.
A couple from church asked me to baby-sit their three kids from 7:30 until 11 p.m. last weekend. My problems began when they didn't pick me up until 9.
When they didn't return at the time they had promised, I began to worry. When they finally showed up at 1 a.m., they dropped a measly $6 in my hand. Then the husband drove me home. He reeked of booze and swerved all over the road. It was the most terrifying ride of my life. I was shaking all over by the time we arrived.
The next day my dad called the police and told them the man had driven me home drunk. They said that if he had called the previous night, they'd have gone over and taken a Breathalyzer test, but they could do nothing after the fact.
My mom then called the woman, who swore her husband hadn't been drunk. When Mom asked her for my going rate ($3 an hour, plus double time after midnight, which would have been $15 or $19.50, if you count the time I was booked for), the woman hung up on her.
Some important lessons I learned that night:
1. Agree on the wage beforehand.
2. If the driver appears drunk (or stoned), call your parent, a friend or a taxi even if it costs you your wages to get home. NEVER get into a car with someone you think is impaired just to be polite.
3. Don't automatically trust someone because you go to the same church. Always get references and baby-sit only for people you know well. -- WISER NOW IN CANADA
DEAR WISER NOW: That's excellent advice, and I hope my younger readers will take it to heart. Watching children is a heavy responsibility that requires maturity and judgment. It should be planned so that it's fun, fair and safe for everyone concerned.
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old brother, "Josh," is obese. He spends more than four hours a day playing video games or watching TV. He doesn't worry about what he eats and has low self-esteem.
I am active, and I changed my eating and exercise habits not only to benefit my health but also to be a role model for my younger siblings. When I offer to do fun activities with Josh -– like playing football, basketball or taking our dog for a walk around the block -- he tells me to go away and quit talking to him.
My parents say it isn't my problem and I should worry about my own life. Abby, I don't ever tell Josh he is heavy. I never tease him, and I don't nag him. I know it isn't my problem, but my parents don't give my brother any motivation, discipline or limit his TV time.
I want my brother to be happy. I don't want him to suffer. What should I do to help him? I have told him –- and my parents –- how I feel, but they don't seem to care. –- HEALTHIER SIS IN HONOLULU
DEAR SIS: Part of the problem you're having getting through to your brother may be because you are so close to him, his tuning you out is reflexive. A better solution might be to talk to someone at his school about your concerns -- a counselor or the school nurse.
It's not unheard of for a child who spends four hours a day alone, watching TV, playing video games and seeking comfort in food to have issues that go beyond the physical. Perhaps, if someone from the school talks to your parents, they might become more proactive in helping their son.
Brother in Law Quick to Move in After Couple's Separation
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jill," and I are going through a divorce. I lied to her about money, spent money we didn't have and generally put her and my kids in danger of losing everything. I am doing everything I can to be accountable, but since we separated six weeks ago, Jill has slept with at least one person and is developing a "friendship" with my sister's husband. (I'll call him "Jack.")
I understand that this isn't my business, but Jack is spending more time with my children (ages 1 and 3) than I can because I'm working two jobs.
I told him he's not welcome at my wife's house as I pay the rent. I said the same thing to Jill, and they agreed that it's not a good idea for him to be there. It's still happening, though, and I'm very hurt by it and nearing the end of my capacity to deal with it.
My sister's marriage is destroyed. My marriage is over. While my sister and I do our best to cope, Jack and Jill are having the time of their lives playing house while I pay for it. My relationship with my children is being undermined, and I don't know what to do. -– BESIDE MYSELF IN NORFOLK
DEAR BESIDE YOURSELF: I understand your frustration, but your ability to dictate who comes to the house and spends time with your wife -– and by extension, your children -– ended when you moved out. For your own sake, I strongly recommend you schedule a meeting with the legal counsel who is representing you in your divorce and set up a regular schedule of visitation with your children. But the sooner you understand that you can't stop Jill from entertaining whomever she pleases in her dwelling, the better off you will be.
P.S. Your sister also has my sympathy, but what's going on now should be a clue that she'll be better off without him.
DEAR ABBY: My life has been a continuous learning experience. My mother-in-law used to give me gifts that were either cracked or broken. I was offended, but never said anything except "thank you." After her death we had to go through her things, and it was then that I realized that just about everything she owned was chipped or broken.
When one of my children had a falling-out with a friend, I, too, would be upset. But when I would see my child and the offending friend back together the next day, I learned to hold my tongue.
Most recently, a man ran a stop sign, rammed my car and left me with a broken back. From that I learned what a dim view insurance companies have of homemakers. When asked if I was losing time at work, I answered with an honest "yes." Then came the question, "What do you do?" When I replied that I am a housewife, I learned there was no coverage because what I do isn't considered "work." Thanks for listening. -– STILL LEARNING IN CAMP HILL, PA.
DEAR STILL LEARNING: Thank you for sharing some of the lessons you have learned at the University of Life. You might be interested to know that in 2006, Al Neuharth -– the esteemed founder of USA Today -– wrote a Mother's Day column on the value of stay-at-home moms. In it, he quoted job analysts at Salary.com, who said, "... the lowest-paying parts of a mom's job are housekeeper, laundry machine operator and janitor. Higher-paying categories include computer operator, facilities manager, psychologist and family CEO." He concluded by saying that stay-at-home moms work "an average of 91.6 hours a week ... worth $143,121 annually."
Of course, that was in 2006 –- when everything was cheaper.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have been dating since our divorce in 2000, trying to put things back together. But every six months or so, he comes to my house drunk and raises Cain in front of the kids.
He never says he's sorry for anything he does or says, and it causes fights that could be avoided if he just would not drink. If he could only see how it makes him act! He does not drink all the time. But when he does, he passes out on my couch.
I have told him time and time again not to come to the house if he has been drinking. If I try to make him leave, he does more in front of the kids, and he has been known to hit. How can I make it clear to him I have had enough? I love him, but I'm very tired of this every-six-months thing. I have called the law before. That just makes matters worse.
Should I get away from him altogether? I want my family back together so badly. I have prayed about this for a long time. I have tried talking to him –- nothing works. Please give me some advice. -– "TINA" IN TRINITY, ALA.
DEAR "TINA": Perhaps it's time to face the fact that as much as your ex-husband says he loves you and the children, he loves his bottle more. You divorced him for a reason, and he isn't going to change. If he shows up at your house after he has been drinking, do not open the door. If he creates a disturbance, call the police and let them handle him.
When a parent acts out the way your husband does when he gets loaded, it damages the children who are exposed to it. They never know when the father they love -– and presumably trust -– will turn into a monster, and they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even worse, they may grow up thinking his behavior is normal or acceptable and marry someone just like Daddy.
Much as you might like, you cannot rescue your ex-husband from his alcohol addiction. Some literature that might give you insight is a booklet published by Al-Anon titled, "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009." It is available online in English, Spanish and French, and can be downloaded at www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.net. For a free printed copy, e-mail wso(at)al-anon.org, fax (757) 563-1655, or write: Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.
DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old sister is soon to be married for the first time and has planned an elaborate affair. She has many friends, business associates and family members to invite. Because of the expense, she is not inviting the "younger" generation.
When I called to respond to her invitation, I explained that I will be attending, but my wife –- due to health issues -– will not be able to come. I told her I would like to substitute our only teenage daughter. My sister's response? She told me she has so many people to invite that she has a waiting list, and she'll substitute someone from that list!
This seems rude to me. Have you ever heard of a waiting list? –- MIFFED IN SAN JOSE
DEAR MIFFED: As a matter of fact, I have. It's sometimes called a "B" list. When a wedding invitation is issued, the rules of etiquette dictate that only those people whose names are on the invitation are invited. While I understand your desire to take your daughter, you committed a breach of etiquette in asking to make a substitution. Because your sister had decided not to include the younger generation, your daughter's presence could cause problems for her with other members of the family.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)