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Brother in Law Quick to Move in After Couple's Separation
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jill," and I are going through a divorce. I lied to her about money, spent money we didn't have and generally put her and my kids in danger of losing everything. I am doing everything I can to be accountable, but since we separated six weeks ago, Jill has slept with at least one person and is developing a "friendship" with my sister's husband. (I'll call him "Jack.")
I understand that this isn't my business, but Jack is spending more time with my children (ages 1 and 3) than I can because I'm working two jobs.
I told him he's not welcome at my wife's house as I pay the rent. I said the same thing to Jill, and they agreed that it's not a good idea for him to be there. It's still happening, though, and I'm very hurt by it and nearing the end of my capacity to deal with it.
My sister's marriage is destroyed. My marriage is over. While my sister and I do our best to cope, Jack and Jill are having the time of their lives playing house while I pay for it. My relationship with my children is being undermined, and I don't know what to do. -– BESIDE MYSELF IN NORFOLK
DEAR BESIDE YOURSELF: I understand your frustration, but your ability to dictate who comes to the house and spends time with your wife -– and by extension, your children -– ended when you moved out. For your own sake, I strongly recommend you schedule a meeting with the legal counsel who is representing you in your divorce and set up a regular schedule of visitation with your children. But the sooner you understand that you can't stop Jill from entertaining whomever she pleases in her dwelling, the better off you will be.
P.S. Your sister also has my sympathy, but what's going on now should be a clue that she'll be better off without him.
DEAR ABBY: My life has been a continuous learning experience. My mother-in-law used to give me gifts that were either cracked or broken. I was offended, but never said anything except "thank you." After her death we had to go through her things, and it was then that I realized that just about everything she owned was chipped or broken.
When one of my children had a falling-out with a friend, I, too, would be upset. But when I would see my child and the offending friend back together the next day, I learned to hold my tongue.
Most recently, a man ran a stop sign, rammed my car and left me with a broken back. From that I learned what a dim view insurance companies have of homemakers. When asked if I was losing time at work, I answered with an honest "yes." Then came the question, "What do you do?" When I replied that I am a housewife, I learned there was no coverage because what I do isn't considered "work." Thanks for listening. -– STILL LEARNING IN CAMP HILL, PA.
DEAR STILL LEARNING: Thank you for sharing some of the lessons you have learned at the University of Life. You might be interested to know that in 2006, Al Neuharth -– the esteemed founder of USA Today -– wrote a Mother's Day column on the value of stay-at-home moms. In it, he quoted job analysts at Salary.com, who said, "... the lowest-paying parts of a mom's job are housekeeper, laundry machine operator and janitor. Higher-paying categories include computer operator, facilities manager, psychologist and family CEO." He concluded by saying that stay-at-home moms work "an average of 91.6 hours a week ... worth $143,121 annually."
Of course, that was in 2006 –- when everything was cheaper.
DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have been dating since our divorce in 2000, trying to put things back together. But every six months or so, he comes to my house drunk and raises Cain in front of the kids.
He never says he's sorry for anything he does or says, and it causes fights that could be avoided if he just would not drink. If he could only see how it makes him act! He does not drink all the time. But when he does, he passes out on my couch.
I have told him time and time again not to come to the house if he has been drinking. If I try to make him leave, he does more in front of the kids, and he has been known to hit. How can I make it clear to him I have had enough? I love him, but I'm very tired of this every-six-months thing. I have called the law before. That just makes matters worse.
Should I get away from him altogether? I want my family back together so badly. I have prayed about this for a long time. I have tried talking to him –- nothing works. Please give me some advice. -– "TINA" IN TRINITY, ALA.
DEAR "TINA": Perhaps it's time to face the fact that as much as your ex-husband says he loves you and the children, he loves his bottle more. You divorced him for a reason, and he isn't going to change. If he shows up at your house after he has been drinking, do not open the door. If he creates a disturbance, call the police and let them handle him.
When a parent acts out the way your husband does when he gets loaded, it damages the children who are exposed to it. They never know when the father they love -– and presumably trust -– will turn into a monster, and they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even worse, they may grow up thinking his behavior is normal or acceptable and marry someone just like Daddy.
Much as you might like, you cannot rescue your ex-husband from his alcohol addiction. Some literature that might give you insight is a booklet published by Al-Anon titled, "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009." It is available online in English, Spanish and French, and can be downloaded at www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.net. For a free printed copy, e-mail wso(at)al-anon.org, fax (757) 563-1655, or write: Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.
DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old sister is soon to be married for the first time and has planned an elaborate affair. She has many friends, business associates and family members to invite. Because of the expense, she is not inviting the "younger" generation.
When I called to respond to her invitation, I explained that I will be attending, but my wife –- due to health issues -– will not be able to come. I told her I would like to substitute our only teenage daughter. My sister's response? She told me she has so many people to invite that she has a waiting list, and she'll substitute someone from that list!
This seems rude to me. Have you ever heard of a waiting list? –- MIFFED IN SAN JOSE
DEAR MIFFED: As a matter of fact, I have. It's sometimes called a "B" list. When a wedding invitation is issued, the rules of etiquette dictate that only those people whose names are on the invitation are invited. While I understand your desire to take your daughter, you committed a breach of etiquette in asking to make a substitution. Because your sister had decided not to include the younger generation, your daughter's presence could cause problems for her with other members of the family.
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Couple Splits Cost of Living, but Not Cost of Birth Control
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. We split all the bills -- rent, utilities, etc. -- in half.
A few nights ago I asked him how he felt about paying for half my birth control pills, which amounts to $40 a month. Because neither of us is ready for children, I think we should share the expense.
Am I out of line to ask my boyfriend to split the cost with me? This has become a hot topic at work. The guys don't agree with me, and surprisingly, most of the women don't, either. What is your take on this? -- ALL IN LOVE IS FAIR
DEAR ALL: As I see it, there are two kinds of expenses when people share a dwelling: joint expenses and those that are personal. Prescription drugs usually fall into the latter category. Unless you are prepared to pay half the cost of his prescription drugs -- including Viagra --- my advice is to back down on this one.
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my best friend, "Wendy," turned 40, she has gone bonkers. Don't get me wrong, some of the craziness is good. We're both starting to lose weight. Wendy also went back to school and seemed to be happy with husband No. 3.
What has me concerned is that Wendy appears to have developed an eating disorder because she's so determined to be the same size as her 21-year-old daughter. She has also become obsessed with an 18-year-old boy, which could end her marriage.
I love Wendy, but when I try to talk to her, she calls me "judgmental" and "holier than thou." Is there anything I can do to help my friend? -- MIDLIFE CRISIS
DEAR M.C.: You may love Wendy, but unless the woman is willing to face up to the fact that she has a problem, there is nothing anyone can do to "help" her. She may be terrified of growing old, not as happy as you thought with husband No. 3, or competing with her daughter. Be supportive, and recommend that she make an appointment with her doctor or a psychologist when the time comes. But until she's ready to listen, she will continue to tune you out.
P.S. I don't know what happened to her first two marriages, but it appears Wendy may be someone who is unable to learn from past mistakes.
DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old daughter was driving on a busy street when she noticed an older gentleman in running shorts lying on the median. She stopped, turned on her hazard lights and went to help. He was unresponsive, but breathing.
When she called 911, she was told that more than 100 motorists had reported a "dead man" on the street, but no one had stopped to check on him. Police, an ambulance and a fire truck arrived shortly after her call.
Abby, at what point do we become invisible? When do we cease to be important? Would it have been different if that person had been a child or someone in his 30s? Have we lost our humanity? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TAMPA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I doubt whether the situation would have been different if the man had been in his 30s rather than a senior. If a child had been lying there ... maybe.
The passing motorists may have thought they had "done their duty" by calling 911 and were afraid to do more because they didn't know what else to do. Have we lost our humanity? Some people may have, but your daughter isn't one of them. Orchids to her, and to you, for having raised such a caring -- and proactive -- individual.
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