To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
For Estranged Sister, Casual Queries Are a Thorny Issue
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Shannon," and I had a major falling out years ago and I haven't spoken to her or her family since -- except briefly, when we had to make arrangements for our father's funeral three years ago. Shannon is 17 years older than me, married with two grown children. I'm perfectly OK with this arrangement. In fact, I prefer it, and I'm sure they do, too.
The problem is, I recently moved to the same county they live in and have run into several old acquaintances who have asked, "Aren't you Shannon's sister?" or, "How are your nieces doing? I heard one recently had a baby."
Abby, I no longer consider myself to be Shannon's sister. I have no idea how my nieces are or if one of them had a baby. How should I respond to these well-meaning people? If I tell them I no longer have contact with them, it will lead to questions I'd rather not answer. How do I politely deal with this without opening up my personal life for discussion? -- SHANNON'S FORMER SISTER
DEAR FORMER SISTER: When asked if you're Shannon's sister, say yes. If you're asked anything beyond that, say you are not close and if they have questions about the baby they should ask the niece who had it. You do not have to air any "dirty laundry." If you are asked other questions that make you uncomfortable, it is perfectly acceptable to smile, say you would rather not discuss it and change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 33 years. All my life I have been vehemently opposed to having a gun in our house. Our three boys didn't even have toy guns.
I just found out that my husband recently bought a handgun and hid it from me! His reason? "I wanted one." Needless to say, I am furious. Your thoughts, please. -- UNDER THE GUN IN MIAMI
DEAR UNDER THE GUN: A few come to mind. Before buying the gun, your husband should have had enough respect for your feelings to discuss it with you so some ground rules could be established. It would be interesting to know why, after all these years, he feels so vulnerable that he thinks he needs a gun in the house.
Also, if you haven't already done so, both you and your husband should take a gun safety course as a precaution against an accident. Check with the police department to see where they are offered so you will know how to safely store and handle the weapon.
It goes without saying that your husband should never point the gun at anyone unless he actually intends to use it -- a frightening thought in itself. If your home should be burglarized and the gun stolen, the chances are great that it will be used for criminal activity. If your husband can live with that, then so be it.
DEAR ABBY: At school last year there was this guy that I really liked. He was just a friend then, but now I realize that I really like him!
We ride the school bus together, so while we were on the bus I asked him for his phone number. He said, "I don't think so. MORE time for you to bug me?" Now what do I do? -- DOWN-HEARTED IN TROUTMAN, N.C.
DEAR DOWN-HEARTED: Recognize that the object of your affection may not be ready for a girlfriend, or may be interested in someone else. When someone tells you "more time for you to bug me," it's time to take three giant steps back and direct your attention elsewhere. This may not be easy to do, but it will save you hours of heartache. Trust me.
CELL PHONE USERS SHOULD GIVE IT A REST IN THE LADIES' ROOM
DEAR ABBY: Unbelievable as it may seem, this actually happened. I was in the ladies' room in my office building when a woman came in talking on her cell phone. She went into the stall next to mine and continued carrying on a conversation throughout her visit -- even while washing her hands!
I have mentioned this to several people. They say they have encountered the same situation in restrooms, too. Abby, how would you suggest we handle this in the future? -- SOME THINGS ARE SACRED IN MARYLAND
DEAR SOME THINGS ARE SACRED: I shouldn't have to say this, but using a cell phone while going to the bathroom is extremely inappropriate. While the desire not to interrupt a conversation is understandable, to talk while the background noise is reminiscent of an old Alka Seltzer jingle is not only an invasion of the privacy of the occupants of the adjacent stalls, but also disrespectful to the party on the other end of the line.
How to handle it? Ask the offender to please stop. However, for some people the most effective lesson in consideration for others may be when their cell phone falls into the toilet and must be replaced.
DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old son, "Blaine," is well-mannered. He knows to take his hat off indoors, and opens doors for people (when they are not too heavy for him). However, Blaine sometimes forgets to say "please" and "thank you."
When my son and I are out and someone gives him something -- like a cookie at the bakery -- if Blaine forgets and I prompt him, the person sometimes will say, "Oh, it's OK. He doesn't have to say thank you." It's very important to me that my son have good manners and always use those words. How should I respond to those who insist that it's not a big deal for children not to use their manners? -- STRICT MOTHER IN DEERFIELD, MASS.
DEAR MOTHER: I applaud you for teaching your son basic good manners, a lesson that will serve him well throughout his lifetime.
When someone tells you Blaine doesn't "have to" say please or thank you, speak up and correct the person by saying: "Oh, yes he does. 'Please' and 'thank you' are magic words in our family, and it's important that my son always remember to say them." Do this not for the adult's benefit, but in order to reinforce the lesson to Blaine.
DEAR ABBY: "Curious in the Sunbelt" (July 16) asked you if it was inconsiderate to knit or crochet while attending a meeting or other gathering. (You said it was.) While it may seem that someone can't give undivided attention to a speaker while doing something with his/her hands, that person might have Attention Deficit Disorder or be a "kinesthetic" learner. While most people absorb information through seeing and hearing, some actually need to keep their hands occupied in order to listen.
Literature on "multiple intelligences" and other learning theories support this view -- and as a former classroom teacher and current psychotherapist, I have personal experience about this reality. As long as the individual is quiet and not terribly distracting, consider this behavior a better alternative than constant fidgeting. -- JAELLINE JAFFE, Ph.D., SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DR. JAFFE: Thank you for your professional expertise regarding learning theories. I also heard from a pilot who knits while flying an airplane and a woman who pointed out that if knitting was good enough for Eleanor Roosevelt during United Nations Security Council meetings, it was good enough for her. Most readers agreed that if the individual is not disruptive to others, then what's the harm? I stand corrected.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Friend-Challenged in Glendale, Calif." (Aug. 2) that I have been in her shoes. She needs to make her desire for friendship known to others.
For years I had a pleasant life as a wife, mother and teacher with many colleagues and acquaintances through church and other interest groups. But inside I was desperately lonely for female friendship. No one ever truly "connected" beyond the surface level.
One afternoon I was walking with a colleague and she asked, philosophically, "What do you really need in your life?" I burst into tears and answered, "I need a friend!" We hugged and cried together, and from that moment on, our deeper heartfelt relationship began and widened to include several more women who are solid, there-for-each-other friends.
I am grateful for her insightful question and emotional support. She had no idea that I felt so isolated, and I learned to be more open about my needs. -- BEFRIENDED AND BLESSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR BEFRIENDED: I want to thank you for generously sharing that life lesson. The responses I received from readers offering advice, ideas and encouragement to the young woman who lacked female friendship were touching. A sample:
DEAR ABBY: There is an old adage: You have to BE a friend to HAVE one. It seems to me that "Challenged" never takes the extra step in establishing a relationship. The phone rings two ways, and sometimes you have to call people before they call you. -- ELLEN IN CLEVELAND
DEAR ABBY: "Friend-Challenged" should become involved in community theater. There are always jobs waiting to be filled backstage, during rehearsals, at the box office, ushering or making costumes and props. Theater people will always welcome you and find a place for you to fit in. -- SYLVIA IN MORGAN HILL, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: In addition to women her age, that young woman should open herself up to those of all ages. I'm 37, but my friends include those who are 13 years younger and 54 years older than me. My best friend is 19 years older than me.
If she limits herself by looking in only one place, she will have a one-dimensional, flat life. Look everywhere. See everyone as a possible friend. You never know where it might lead you. -- OPEN-HEARTED IN AMESBURY, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: I found your suggestions to "Friend-Challenged" outdated and sexist. Groups in cooking, sewing, scrapbooking? What about learning to ski, kayak or rock climb with other women? Or a running group, hiking club or tennis league? I've done many of these, and the women I met are fun, outgoing and always ready to welcome a new friend. -- BRETT IN JACKSON, WYO.
DEAR ABBY: When I was 22, just out of college, I moved to a large city to begin my career. I knew no one, but found a church and joined a singles Sunday school class. I formed many friendships in that class. Twenty-four years later, many of those women are still my best friends. -- DIANE IN ROSWELL, GA.
DEAR ABBY: On a whim I joined a belly dancing class. It changed my life! I met women of all shapes, sizes and ages who get together to dance for the sheer pleasure of it. To meet friends and transform her self-image, I suggest "Friend-Challenged" check around for belly dance studios in her area. -- JENNY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR ABBY: I joined an organization called Beta Sigma Phi -- it's an international women's friendship network. It's a sorority, but not the kind you see on university campuses. I have made friends, learned new things and become more involved in the community. For information, including dues and fees, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.betasigmaphi.org" �www.betasigmaphi.org� or call (888) 238-2221 or (816) 444-6800. -- SISTER FOR LIFE, ONTARIO, CANADA
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)