For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Friend-Challenged in Glendale, Calif." (Aug. 2) that I have been in her shoes. She needs to make her desire for friendship known to others.
For years I had a pleasant life as a wife, mother and teacher with many colleagues and acquaintances through church and other interest groups. But inside I was desperately lonely for female friendship. No one ever truly "connected" beyond the surface level.
One afternoon I was walking with a colleague and she asked, philosophically, "What do you really need in your life?" I burst into tears and answered, "I need a friend!" We hugged and cried together, and from that moment on, our deeper heartfelt relationship began and widened to include several more women who are solid, there-for-each-other friends.
I am grateful for her insightful question and emotional support. She had no idea that I felt so isolated, and I learned to be more open about my needs. -- BEFRIENDED AND BLESSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR BEFRIENDED: I want to thank you for generously sharing that life lesson. The responses I received from readers offering advice, ideas and encouragement to the young woman who lacked female friendship were touching. A sample:
DEAR ABBY: There is an old adage: You have to BE a friend to HAVE one. It seems to me that "Challenged" never takes the extra step in establishing a relationship. The phone rings two ways, and sometimes you have to call people before they call you. -- ELLEN IN CLEVELAND
DEAR ABBY: "Friend-Challenged" should become involved in community theater. There are always jobs waiting to be filled backstage, during rehearsals, at the box office, ushering or making costumes and props. Theater people will always welcome you and find a place for you to fit in. -- SYLVIA IN MORGAN HILL, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: In addition to women her age, that young woman should open herself up to those of all ages. I'm 37, but my friends include those who are 13 years younger and 54 years older than me. My best friend is 19 years older than me.
If she limits herself by looking in only one place, she will have a one-dimensional, flat life. Look everywhere. See everyone as a possible friend. You never know where it might lead you. -- OPEN-HEARTED IN AMESBURY, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: I found your suggestions to "Friend-Challenged" outdated and sexist. Groups in cooking, sewing, scrapbooking? What about learning to ski, kayak or rock climb with other women? Or a running group, hiking club or tennis league? I've done many of these, and the women I met are fun, outgoing and always ready to welcome a new friend. -- BRETT IN JACKSON, WYO.
DEAR ABBY: When I was 22, just out of college, I moved to a large city to begin my career. I knew no one, but found a church and joined a singles Sunday school class. I formed many friendships in that class. Twenty-four years later, many of those women are still my best friends. -- DIANE IN ROSWELL, GA.
DEAR ABBY: On a whim I joined a belly dancing class. It changed my life! I met women of all shapes, sizes and ages who get together to dance for the sheer pleasure of it. To meet friends and transform her self-image, I suggest "Friend-Challenged" check around for belly dance studios in her area. -- JENNY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR ABBY: I joined an organization called Beta Sigma Phi -- it's an international women's friendship network. It's a sorority, but not the kind you see on university campuses. I have made friends, learned new things and become more involved in the community. For information, including dues and fees, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.betasigmaphi.org" �www.betasigmaphi.org� or call (888) 238-2221 or (816) 444-6800. -- SISTER FOR LIFE, ONTARIO, CANADA
Wife's Tight Fisted Money Policy Puts Man in a Bind
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS
DEAR PREFERS BRIEFS: No, I do not think it is right. Regardless of your age, your feelings matter a great deal. You should wear underwear in which you feel comfortable without having to worry about anyone "finding out."
Because your wife is so tight-fisted, please consider finding a part-time job so you will have spending money of your own. Your wife may be the wage earner in the family, but that doesn't mean she should be the only one "wearing the pants."
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I ordered a taco salad and an iced tea at a popular fast food restaurant. I sat down and proceeded to eat when I noticed a couple sitting on one side of a table. Neither of them was skinny. Another couple joined them, and the women began staring at me.
I am 55 years old and 250 pounds. They were over 35 and plus-sized themselves. They may have been thinking my meal was inappropriate because of my size, but they were no different from me. I packed up my food and ate in my car. Was there a better solution? -- SALAD LOVER IN OHIO
DEAR SALAD LOVER: Yes, you should have remained at your table and enjoyed your meal. The people at the next table were in that fast food restaurant for the same reason you were.
Some folks stare because there is a lull in the conversation and they have zoned out. If you were certain they were looking AT you instead of THROUGH you, another way to have handled it would have been to have made eye contact, smiled and said, "Do I know you?"
DEAR ABBY: I helped raise my husband's son, "Scott," from the age of 9 to his present age of 19. I devoted my energy, love, money and time to all his activities, while his own mother sat by and did next to nothing to participate in any of it.
Scott has now become "best friends" with his mom, and I am all but forgotten. The way he treats me now, you would have thought that I'd beaten him with a stick. If I had it to do over again, I would never have stepped into that family situation.
Thank goodness Scott has moved out. His dad and I are having the time of our lives. I hope there is a special place in heaven for good stepmoms, because I have gotten no credit at all. -- IGNORED IN OREGON
DEAR IGNORED: I know you feel hurt and angry right now, but the story isn't over yet. Regardless of how little your husband's ex gave to their son, she is still Scott's mother. You have been a generous and loving friend to that young man, and I am sure your husband loves you all the more for your caring heart.
So enjoy your second honeymoon and realize that Scott still has some growing up to do. This will probably sort itself out. But if it doesn't, you will be able to go forward knowing you did the right thing and so will the man you love.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
EXASPERATED VOTER IS BESIEGED BY OFFENSIVE POLITICAL E-MAIL
DEAR ABBY: Once again, e-mails are flying at record speed with "information" about the Democratic or Republican candidates. I am not talking about the funny ones that are meant in good humor, but serious, derogatory accusations.
Can you please explain to me why friends would just assume that I want to read their forwarded messages? Not once has any of them asked who I'm voting for. They have never even asked which party I belong to.
I believe that politics and religion are personal choices, and I'm extremely offended when I receive these e-mails. I have ignored them in the past, but with the upcoming election, I'm asking what would be an appropriate response to these unwanted e-mails. Isn't freedom of choice -- without having people ram their opinion down your throat -- what has made America great? Thanks for any light on this subject. -- HENDERSON, NEV., VOTER
DEAR VOTER: The individuals who send those offensive e-mails may be hoping to sway your vote with misinformation. Or they may have you on a mass e-mail list included as a "friend" or "family member."
Feeling as you do, you have two choices. Tell the sender that you feel the messages are inappropriate and ask to be removed from that person's list, or simply delete the message without opening it.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Carole," has been saying for five years that she's going to kill herself when she's 65. She lives alone, her children are grown and she has a limited income. She told me she wants to go while she is in possession of her faculties. She doesn't want to get sick and die in a nursing home.
Of course I have tried to talk her out of it, but as the years have progressed, I realize that Carole is serious. She has been tying up loose ends and fixing up her house so that her daughter will inherit something nice.
Carole refuses counseling and actually seems happier since making her decision. Sometimes, after one of our deep discussions, she almost has me convinced that I'm a fool for not wanting to follow her path.
This is her last year, and I'm feeling increasingly anxious. I wonder if there isn't an avenue I haven't yet explored. Carole is pretty, healthy, walks with a jaunt in her step and holds a good job. I have talked to a suicide-prevention counselor who said some people can't be stopped and that it's no crime to THINK about suicide. Any ideas? -- SISTER WITH A HEAVY HEART
DEAR SISTER: Has anyone pointed out to Carole that 65 is the new 45? I can understand the concept of rational suicide if someone is terminally ill and in constant pain, but to go in the full flower of life strikes me as premature.
You say your sister has spoken to you about this for the past several years. How do her children feel about it? Surely, this can't have their blessing.
I can't "save" Carole and neither can you -- but it occurs to me that the reason she really wants to go is because she has nothing that keeps her invested in living. Even if she doesn't value her own life, she needs to know that others do.
P.S. People can be committed for observation if they are considered a danger to themselves or others -- and your sister may qualify.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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