Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Andrew" for five years. I consider him to be my best friend. We have known each other for six years. I am 38, and Andrew is 33.
My problem is Andrew thinks I'm 34. I didn't exactly tell him my true age way back when, and he believes I am four years younger than I actually am.
We want children, and I know that this is the time to come clean. But I'm not sure how my husband will react when he hears the news, and I'm afraid he may leave me. I have prayed about this, and it seems the best course is the truth. What should I do? -- YOUNGER THAN MY YEARS
DEAR YOUNGER: It would be better to tell your husband the truth while your biological clock is still ticking, rather than wait until the alarm goes off and your ovaries shut down. Because you want to start a family, this is something you need to also discuss with your gynecologist because a pregnancy after the age of 35 can be considered "high risk," and age can also have an impact on a woman's ability to conceive. If Andrew loves you, I doubt that he'll leave you -- but if you lied on your marriage license, you committed fraud, and he may have the grounds to do so.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15, and class pictures are coming soon -- again. I think I look better in photographs when I am not smiling. If I don't smile for my school picture, though, the photographers make a fuss over it and insist upon taking it over and over until I give in and smile. I explain why I don't like to smile for pictures, but they won't listen. What can I say to them that will get them to let me look the way I want in my pictures?
By the way, my parents don't care what my school picture looks like because we get professional portraits done as a family each year. -- "SAY CHEESE" IN FOLSOM, CALIF.
DEAR "SAY CHEESE": The only thing worse than a scowl is a smile that looks forced. If you prefer not to open your mouth and "grin," that should be your privilege.
There is a compromise you can strike. For a more pleasant expression without "smiling," just lift the corners of your eyes and mouth a quarter of an inch. (Try it in front of a mirror.) That's what I recommend you do this year.
DEAR ABBY: Please help. My husband of 52 years is going deaf, but he refuses to get a hearing aid. He claims we don't have the money. (Not true.) I have to tell him everything two or three times, and it's making me crazy. Sometimes he'll misquote something our pastor said in church, and I have to tell him he heard it wrong. What can I do? -- LOSING MY SANITY IN GEORGIA
DEAR LOSING YOUR SANITY: When the senses begin to erode, it is not uncommon for the person to go into denial. Contact your husband's doctor, explain what's going on and tell him or her that your husband needs to be evaluated by an audiologist. At his next annual physical, his doctor should refer him to one. That's when you should assert yourself and not let him "forget" the appointment.
A hearing aid may -- or may not -- be the solution to your husband's problem, but the cost of a hearing aid would be a small price to pay to save your sanity.
'Please Call Police' Banners Are Helpful on and Off Road
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you have mentioned how to order "Please Call Police" banners in your column. They are not only a wonderful idea, but also an effective way to assist people with disabilities -- a concept that has become meaningful to me since turning 88 last January.
Last winter the power went out and my cell phone charger stopped working. All my phones were dead. Lucky for me, the power came back on in my area by noon, but it didn't in other areas. It can be alarming when we can no longer take charge in these emergencies. My sister checks on me, but when the phone lines went out, the message said "line busy," so she didn't know there was a problem.
I live in a mobile home park where folks take care of each other when we can. I called my neighbor across the street to tell him which window I will put my banner in if I need help, and he asked me if I would order one for him and possibly some for our other neighbors. Thank you for this service, Abby. If you print the ordering information again, it will help a lot of other folks. -- ELIZABETH IN COLORADO
DEAR ELIZABETH: I'm glad to oblige. Every year that I have mentioned the "Please Call Police" banners, readers have sent me testimonials relating how handy they can be to have. People usually order two at a time -- one for the windshield and another for the rear window of their cars -- and keep them in the glove compartment.
This year, in addition to the banners and Mylar blankets, reusable "green" cloth shopping bags (for the ecology-minded) are also being offered. These are ideal for all your daily needs, including marketing.
The items are offered by the Westside Center for Independent Living, a nonprofit organization that helps people with disabilities to live more independent lives. For a $4 contribution, you can order one banner, one Mylar blanket or one "green" (cloth) shopping bag from WCIL Banner, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, CA 90009. (Please include an additional $2 per total order for postage and handling to each address and allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.) For more information and secure ordering online, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.wcil.org" �www.wcil.org� and click on "Police Banners," "Emergency Blankets" or "Green Bags."
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have decided to sell our house and move south. We plan to purchase a mobile home. I asked our adult children what they thought of our decision.
One son made a quick trip home. Most of what he had to say pertained to issues from the past. One remark stung: He said that my husband and I had not showered or used deodorant on the day of my mother's funeral. True, we didn't shower that morning, but we had the night before. Because we depend on well water and had three extra people in the house, we wouldn't have had enough for all five of us to get a warm shower. We did use deodorant and cologne, and my husband put on aftershave.
We were crushed by our son's comment. I no longer wish to be an overnight guest in his home because I know they will be watching my every move. I would be preoccupied with worry about whether I have body odor. I love my son and our daughter-in-law, but the thought of being around them now makes me uncomfortable. -- NOT A SMELLY MOTHER
DEAR NOT: Your son was obviously angry with you and his father when he made that trip to see you. Could it have been because he felt that the house should be a part of his inheritance? Whether or not you bathed or showered on the morning of your mother's funeral is, frankly none of your son's business. What doesn't pass the "sniff test" is that he would throw it up to you at this late date.
I don't blame you for feeling reluctant to be a houseguest in your son's home, nor should you, until he displays a serious attitude adjustment and offers the apology you are due.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man's Grief Is Overlooked After Death of His Stepson
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married a year and a half. I was childless; she came into the marriage with three sons. The middle son went to live with his father, and I bonded with the oldest (age 17) and the youngest (age 9). Both boys called me Dad, and I called them my sons.
Two months ago, the older boy, "Troy," was killed in a car wreck. Friends and family came to console "Cynthia," but not me. The only time they talked to me was to ask how she was doing. When it came time to plan the services, Cynthia and her family did everything. No one asked me a question or for my opinion.
Troy was my son, too -- "step" or not. The pain of losing him is real and profound. I have tried to be there for Cynthia, but she has distanced herself from me. She has received cards, letters and phone calls, but I am having a difficult time dealing with the grief and loss, too. Why can't people realize that Troy was loved by both of us, not just by his mother? -- IN PAIN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR IN PAIN: Please know you have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your stepson. It's possible that you didn't receive more support because people -- in the midst of their own grief -- didn't realize you needed it. You may feel "distanced" from your wife because she is grieving so deeply she is unable to communicate.
I hope the two of you will join a grief support group. It may bring you closer again and bring you some degree of comfort. Your religious adviser should be able to help you locate one.
A group that has been mentioned in my column before -- The Compassionate Friends -- can also be helpful. Founded in 1969, it has 600 chapters and offers mutual assistance, friendship and understanding to families following the death of a child. Its Web site is www.compassionatefriends.org, and the toll-free telephone number is (877) 969-0010.
DEAR ABBY: What is "true forgiveness"? I said some terrible things to a friend in anger and didn't hear from her for a few weeks. Recently, I received an e-mail saying she "forgave" me but no longer wants to keep in touch, adding that it is important for her to know that I am happy.
I wrote back saying I still want to stay in touch and remain friends. I apologized profusely for my lapse in judgment, but she hasn't responded.
Abby, I thought forgiveness meant to absolve, to cease to feel resentment -- to "wipe the slate clean." Am I wrong to feel that? Isn't she still holding a grudge against me? I realize it's up to her to communicate, but I'm confused how she can claim she forgives me while still harboring bad feelings. Can you help? -- PERPLEXED IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR PERPLEXED: To forgive someone does not mean that you develop amnesia. While the woman you hurt may not be holding a grudge, she may consider you too "dangerous" to allow back into her life. May I offer a word of advice to you? Continue moseying on down the road of life, and in the future watch your mouth, or eventually you may find yourself friendless.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)