For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old, and I'm not pretty. I just started seventh grade, and I have noticed that people date each other based completely on looks. I think that's superficial, and I wouldn't want to date someone just because of it. The sad thing is, everybody does it. People are passed over because of their looks who may actually be nice people inside.
I don't understand why people judge me based on what my parents gave me -- like my eyes or the shape of my lips. I mean, I know I could change my hair or wear makeup, but I can't change my genetics. Suggestions? -- PLAIN OLD ME IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR PLAIN OLD YOU: Absolutely. Good looks can be an asset. However, before you put yourself down anymore about what you inherited from your parents, it's important that you give yourself a reality check. Their appearance didn't prevent them from finding each other attractive and falling in love. Also, it takes some people longer to mature into their final "product" than it does others. In other words, the way you look now at age 12 isn't necessarily the way you will look by the middle or end of your teens.
While I believe that each generation is becoming more beautiful than the one before, not everyone will be a classic beauty. And beauty is a trait that's notorious for its short shelf life. That's why it is so important to develop your personality and your mind, so you will have tools for success later in life. This is the time you should do it, instead of worrying about who is dating whom in seventh grade. Believe me, your classmates' tastes will change -- and so will yours. That's what growing is all about.
It's far more important to concentrate on what you can do to better the world you live in than it is to worry that you might not be beautiful enough. When the right person comes along, he will be more interested in a collaborator than a trophy. Trust me on that, because it's the truth.
DEAR ABBY: You often print letters from parents who are baffled by how selfish and ungrateful their children are. They are hurt and perplexed because they believe they were the best parents anyone ever had.
It's time to take off the blinders. These parents are just as egocentric as the kids they raised. Their children are a direct byproduct of their upbringing. Kids don't turn lazy or selfish overnight. It is their parents' duty to teach them how to be caring, concerned and appreciative, but someone failed to teach them every step of the way. Somehow, they repeatedly showed their children that it was OK to treat others badly and that they, as parents, deserve no appreciation.
Parents: If a student hasn't learned, then the teacher hasn't taught. If the method you have used to teach someone has failed, then it's up to you to do something differently and try again -- or to accept your failure and make the best of the situation. -- ONE WHO KNOWS
DEAR ONE WHO KNOWS: Your point is well-taken, although you may be overly harsh in your assumption about the parents' motivation. I agree that some parents fail to assert themselves because it's the "easy way out" instead of laying down the law when discipline is needed. However, when parents have had a difficult childhood, they sometimes have a tendency to "overcorrect" in the opposite direction, trying to make sure their children don't have the same experience. And that is why they do too much, give too much and fail to teach their children consequences or how to achieve true independence.
Woman Resists Half Sister's Effort to Make a Connection
DEAR ABBY: My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do? -- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK
DEAR DISCONCERTED: Thank you for asking. I think you should take your half-sister up on her offer and meet her. She's right -- she had nothing to do with the unhappy ending to your parents' marriage.
While I can understand your anger and bitterness, please try to keep an open mind and go with no expectations. This woman may -- or may not -- be the most sensitive of the bunch, and it will be interesting to find out why she reached out to you. As I see it, you have nothing to lose, and she may be able to give you a new perspective.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "George," and I have been living together about five years. We both have children from previous relationships. My daughter is 11; George's daughter, "Sophie," is 8. She doesn't live with us, but George has her every other weekend.
I'm sad to say that after all these years, I hardly know Sophie. Most of George's weekends with her are spent at his mother's lakefront cottage. This hurts my feelings.
I have told George numerous times that I would like to be more involved in his daughter's life. We plan on being married someday, which would make me Sophie's stepmother. George tells me that because he doesn't see Sophie that often, he would like it to be quality time. I involve him in everything in my life, and I would like him to do the same. What should I do? -- UNWANTED IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR UNWANTED: I suspect that your gentleman friend's reluctance to involve you in his daughter's life goes beyond the idea that it might negatively affect his "quality time" with her.
After all this time, he should have begun integrating you into Sophie's life, if he planned on marrying you any time in the foreseeable future. It is possible that his reluctance may have something to do with the wishes of her mother, who may have insisted when visitation began that the child be separated from you. Not knowing George or his ex it's difficult to project what might be going on. But you should definitely find out -- the sooner the better -- because you deserve some straight answers.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Fiance Says Cold Feet May Warm Up a Year From Now
DEAR ABBY: I was engaged for 18 months to "Jerry," a man I wanted to marry. We become engaged after dating for six months, but we had known each other three years before becoming romantically involved.
A few weeks ago, Jerry announced that he wants to end our engagement because he is going through a "selfish period" in his life and wants to be able to go out without feeling guilty.
I believe Jerry is seeing someone else, but he is adamant that this is only for him -- his chance to be independent. He said he wants me to give him a chance to possibly rekindle our relationship in a year. I don't know if I'm willing to do that. Any advice? -- BROKENHEARTED IN PHOENIX
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Yes. It appears your former fiance is commitment-phobic. Whether Jerry is seeing someone or not is beside the point. He wants to be free to look around, and if he can't "do any better" in a year he may "possibly" come back -- or not. (Give him marks for honesty!)
My advice is to consider this romance a thing of the past. Use the next 12 months to do some serious looking around yourself. If by chance you're still available -- and willing -- when Jerry is "possibly" ready to rekindle the relationship, do so ONLY if he agrees to complete a course of couples counseling with you. Unless you do, this man will break your heart again.
DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl. My mommy was diagnosed with MS a few months ago. I would like to help the hospital raise money to find a cure to fix her and others like her.
Ten percent of my bat mitzvah money is going to find a cure for MS. My sister says it's a stupid idea because if there was a cure they would have already found one. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? -- WANTS TO FIX MOMMY
DEAR WANTS: You're doing a wise and wonderful thing. If the medical community thought the way your sister does, they would still be hitting people on the head with rocks in order to anesthetize them for surgery, and none of the miraculous medical advances of the last 100 years would have come about. The answer to diseases like your mother's lies in research -- and research costs money. Please don't let yourself be intimidated. Your instincts are excellent.
DEAR ABBY: Every three or four months I am invited to spend a night at my married daughter's home.
While I am sitting at the breakfast table having my morning cereal, her husband will walk in, fix his coffee and cereal, then take it back into the bedroom, leaving me alone. I mentioned it to my daughter. She said that's his routine. I think it's rude, and I don't feel like visiting anymore. I can have coffee alone in my own home. Any suggestions? -- ONE UNHAPPY MOM
DEAR UNHAPPY MOM: Surely you aren't spending the night at your daughter's in order to be entertained by your son-in-law in the morning. Unless he avoids you in the evenings too, accept that he isn't a morning person and read the newspaper or turn on the news. But please don't pout. It's an unattractive habit.
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