For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Proud Dad Is at Daughter's Side During Grandson's Birth
DEAR ABBY: I was a single father to my two daughters for several years. I love them with all my heart. Even though I do not always approve of everything they do, my love for them is unconditional, and we're very close.
My 25-year-old daughter, "Tracy," recently had a baby boy. The child's father is not in the picture. She's doing well as a new mom and single working parent. I'm proud of her.
When Tracy was ready to deliver, she asked me to be with her in the delivery room. I had no problem with it, but my current wife (Tracy's stepmom) said she thought it was kind of perverted. I disagreed. My girls have always told me I was the best "mother" they could have ever wished for.
My wife and I didn't exactly have a major blowup over it, but she still insists that my being there was inappropriate. What do you think? -- NEW GRANDPA IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR GRANDPA: Your daughter gave you the greatest honor a woman can give, and it's because you fulfilled the role of BOTH parents during an important time of her life. If your daughter wanted you with her during this joyous, but stressful time, then that's where you belonged.
Giving birth to a baby is not like performing a pole dance. Your wife should loosen her laces and be less judgmental.
DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and have read your column since I was 14. My parents have a gambling problem. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. They get a check once a month, but as soon as it arrives they spend all their money gambling, and call my sister and me for money because they can't pay their bills.
I don't want to give them any more money because they use it to try and "double" and still don't pay their bills. But my sister and I feel guilty that they don't have any money.
We don't know how to help them. Is it possible to get power of attorney over two gambling addicts who are otherwise healthy adults? If not, what else can you suggest? -- READY TO FOLD IN PHOENIX
DEAR READY TO FOLD: It's good that you realize your parents are gambling ADDICTS, because addicts have certain behaviors that are universal. First among them, they rope the people who love them into becoming enablers. That is what your parents have done to you and your sister. By giving them money "to pay their bills," what you loving daughters are also doing is enabling them to continue their habit.
Getting power of attorney can be difficult unless the person can be proved unable to responsibly take care of him- or herself. Homelessness might be a compelling example of that.
Your first step should be to contact a chapter of Gam-Anon Family Groups. It's a 12-step fellowship for men and women who are husbands, wives, relatives or friends of compulsive gamblers and who have been affected by their loved one's gambling problem. You and your sister definitely qualify. The Web site is www.gam-anon.org.
Once you begin to understand the self-destructive cycle your parents have created, and how they have caught you in it, it'll be easier to help them get the help they so desperately need.
Sister Is Right to Roll Up Welcome Mat at Cottage
DEAR ABBY: I completely agree with your reply to "Sorry No Vacancy" (Nov. 2), advising the writer to stand her ground regarding the vacation house. It appears she was raised in a household with brothers who were used to bossing their sister around, and a mother who allowed the boys to do it.
They had their chance to work on the house, but lacked the vision and work ethic their sister had. They sold her their share and contributed nothing to the final result. They have no right to now claim ownership privileges. If the mother thinks her sons need a second home to vacation in, she should pass out keys to her own house.
As you may have guessed, I grew up in a home where boys were more valued than girls, and I remember how hard it was to strive for equal respect. -- KATHRYN B., BETHEL, ARK.
DEAR KATHRYN: Many readers had the same reaction as yours: The problem is the brothers' greed, and the "key" to her dilemma should be to remove the welcome mat. "Sorry" should enjoy her vacation home because she deserves to. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Sorry's" situation reminded me of the story of "The Little Red Hen," in which the cat, dog and mouse slept all day while the little red hen planted, sowed, watered and milled the grain. Then when the bread was baked, the dog, cat and mouse all wanted to "help" eat it. The little red hen wouldn't give them one bite because she had done all the work.
Those jealous brothers need to back off and let their sister have her house. I wouldn't even invite them for a picnic. Perhaps then they'd learn their lesson like the animals in that famous children's story.
Stick to your guns, girl! -- HOPING YOU DO IN WASHINGTON
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired banker and have dealt with a number of family situations similar to the one in "Sorry's" letter. Her brothers are deadbeats. They are more than happy to enjoy the benefits of the completed project, but were nowhere to be found when the planning, expense and work were being done.
"Sorry" has tried to handle this correctly from the beginning. Each brother was given the opportunity of equal ownership. They all opted to take the money and run.
What "Sorry" should do now is what she did in the beginning: have the property appraised in its improved condition, then offer to let each brother buy -- at current market value -- an equal position or buy the property in full.
By the way, I have never seen one deadbeat pay up. These guys ran the first time, and they'll run again. People like them always do. -- BOB B., DESTIN, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, our family cottage passed on to the second generation. It was rundown and needed costly repairs and renovations. My husband and I lived closest to it; consequently, we won the "work lottery."
I made my brothers an offer through an attorney: "I'll pay each of you your fair share of the assessed value of the cottage, and you will always be welcome for overnight visits." Everyone agreed, and my checks were sent out. It has been a grand open house ever since -- reunions, parties, etc. Twenty years have passed, generations of relatives still come and go, and I couldn't be happier. -- VISITORS WELCOME IN WISCONSIN
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Retirement Puts an End to Sons' Free Ride at Home
DEAR ABBY: I have two adult sons living at home, ages 22 and 24. Both are working. I have recently retired, and my income has become half of what it was before. I told my sons that if they are to continue living here, they must pay room and board of $30 a week or find a place to live with the amenities they have here.
They are now ranting and raving and calling me a bad mother. Am I being unreasonable? I feel I have provided my sons with a good life, and it is now time for them to take some responsibility for their own support. It's time to grow up. Am I wrong?
My oldest son says he refuses to help me pay my mortgage! I told him to either pay the $120 a month or try to find a cheaper place to live. Any thoughts on this? -- STRESSED-OUT MOM, LAKE VIEW, N.Y.
DEAR STRESSED OUT: You're making perfect sense to me. If your older boy was not centered so much on himself and his wants (notice, I didn't say "needs"), he would realize that you have made him a generous offer.
Because of your diminished income, of COURSE there is no question that your sons should contribute to the household expenses. It's possible they won't realize what a good deal they've been having until they try to match it in the real world. Stand your ground, Mom, and don't take any back talk.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married four years. During that time we have had three children. Our youngest was born three months ago with various medical problems including heart defects, enlarged kidneys, hearing problems and Down syndrome.
To top it off, I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. I start radiation and chemo next month. I am stressed to say the least, and being intimate with my husband right now is at the bottom of my list of things I need to do.
My husband is having a problem understanding why I am not interested in sex. He takes it personally when I don't accept his advances. I love him very much, and I'm grateful for everything he does for me and the kids, but right now I have no interest in sex. How can I get through to him without hurting his feelings? And how do I stop the advances so I don't feel so guilty? -- STRESSED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR STRESSED: Excuse me? You've had three children in four years, you're caring for a newborn with physical and developmental disabilities and you're beginning treatment for a life-threatening illness. Frankly, I'm surprised you are still standing.
If necessary, drag your spouse to your OB/GYN, your pediatrician and your oncologist. Your husband may be the father of three, but he needs to learn the facts of life -- the first of which is that right now, you are physically and emotionally distracted and unable to perform as he would wish.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently attended a lovely party at a home with two baby grand pianos. One of the guests -- I'll call her "Sophie" -- is an accomplished pianist, and she dearly wanted to sit down and play.
We encouraged her but she refused, stating that the host and hostess might not appreciate having their party interrupted. Should Sophie have asked permission, or would that have created undue pressure on the hostess? -- DAVID IN CUPERTINO, CALIF.
DEAR DAVID: It depends on the hosts. Some would welcome it; others might not. Sophie was correct to refrain from playing the piano without being asked to. It could have, indeed, been disruptive. And if either (or both) of the hosts is a serious musician, many musicians prefer that their instruments not be played by someone else.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)