For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: The standard form of greeting in the West is a handshake. But this can lead to transmission of germs.
Being from India, I use the standard form of Indian greeting by holding my palms together, which is very hygienic. (By the way, many South Asian countries have the same custom of greeting.)
You might consider passing the word along because I'm sure your readers could understand the benefit of such a gesture -- particularly during the cold and flu season. -- SUNITHA IN KUWAIT
DEAR SUNITHA: I'm pleased to pass the word along. Your practical suggestion is a good one and something I have used myself. All you do is place your palms together, thumbs up at chest height. The friendly message it sends is clear when it's done with a smile.
DEAR ABBY: I recently landed a dream job as a nanny for a wealthy family. When I say "wealthy," it's probably an understatement. These people have a big-screen theater in their home, a personal trainer over here four times a week, matching Lexus SUVs, gadgets galore and the biggest refrigerator I have ever seen -- not to mention the countless other real estate properties they have in California, Aspen and New York.
Coming from a more consumer-conscious background, I grew up recycling and shopping at thrift stores. I use alternate forms of transportation and refuse to "keep up with the Joneses."
How do I get this family, especially the children, to recycle, donate and think globally (i.e. sweatshops and child labor) without coming off as preachy? They are nice people, but these things have never been a part of their universe. -- RECYCLIN' IN COLORADO
DEAR RECYCLIN': Your employers appear to be comfortably ensconced in their lifestyle bubble, which is an alternate reality from most of ours. However, you can positively influence the thinking of their children, and the most effective way to do it is to teach them by example.
DEAR ABBY: I discovered a video camera recording me on the toilet in my brother-in-law's bathroom. When I confronted him, he said he was trying to photograph his wife and he had "forgotten" that my four children and I were coming over. Even though the tape had been recording for an hour before his wife was due home from work, I couldn't "prove" anything, so I let it go.
More recently I have learned he's been asking a close friend of ours some very personal questions, and asking for pictures of her various body parts.
My husband doesn't want to hurt his sister and has asked me not to say anything. So now I have to have the creep over at our house for family get-togethers and pretend I like him so she doesn't ask questions. Also, my children want to sleep over at their house, and I have to keep making up excuses. What do I do? -- GOING CRAZY IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR GOING CRAZY: Your mistake -- and your husband's -- was in keeping this from your sister-in-law because it is not just her husband's problem; it is also hers. Your brother-in-law's fetish is creepy, possibly illegal and a huge invasion of privacy. Your children should not visit their home unless closely supervised by you or their father. Their safety is more important than your sister-in-law's "feelings." So speak up!
Dear Old Dad Wants to Tell Son Not to Marry This Girl
DEAR ABBY: I have been faithfully married for more than 20 years. My wife and I are known as the "cute couple" who still hold hands in public, take time to play together, and never say a negative word about each other in public.
My son, who has just turned 19, wants to marry somebody "just like Mom," whom he views as the world's greatest wife and mother. He's making good on this and has begun getting serious with a young woman who is much like his mother in many crucial ways.
At this point, how do I tell my son that the biggest mistake of my life was marrying his mother, and his future happiness depends on getting away from this girl before it's too late? The girl he is dating shows the same severe anxiety disorders as my wife, and manipulates him through learned helplessness and (presumably) the same psychosomatic chronic illnesses. She displays the severe mood swings that have made my wife completely ineffectual as a mother and companion.
My wife's disorders completely dominate our lives, as she refuses any therapy. I have had no choice but to surrender and make do, abandoning a wonderful career -- Ph.D. from a top business school, lots of international travel and high ambitions -- to live in squalor and relative poverty, hating my life and longing for the freedom that will come from one or the other of us passing on.
I have done a good job of hiding my agony from my wife and children, accepting that which I cannot change, and I have been careful to be as supportive as possible and never undercut her position in her eyes or the kids'. My son shows the same potential that I once had. How do I help him not ruin his life as I have ruined mine? -- MISERABLE IN THE NORTHEAST
DEAR MISERABLE: First, remind your son that marriage should be postponed until he completes his education. Then realize that although you want to help him avoid the disappointment and frustration that you have experienced, you may not be able to save him after keeping him blindfolded all these years.
A giant step in the right direction would be to sit him down and tell him exactly what you have told me. And when you do, point out that because you did not confront the problem and insist that your wife get treatment for her emotional problems, you became her enabler, because in addition to her illness, your failure to intervene is what ruined your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I have an etiquette question. When going out for an office luncheon in honor of someone's departure, new hire, baby shower, etc., and the boss is picking up the tab, is it proper to order what you really want from the menu?
For example: If six people at the table order soup and salad, but what I really want is the salmon stuffed with crabmeat, would that be considered improper, even though the boss says, "Order whatever you want"? -- KAT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR KAT: Usually when a host treats guests to lunch, he or she will set an example by saying, "I'm having the ( ), but feel free to order whatever you'd like." If the entree the boss selects costs $15, then the polite guest should stay within that limit.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Regrets Single Minded Focus on Wife of 30 Years
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same woman for more than 30 years. My wife has recently been diagnosed with cancer. During all the years of our marriage, I blocked out everyone else because I thought all I needed was her. Now my biggest fear is that if I should lose her, I'll be completely alone. What in my personality caused me to do this? -- REGRETFUL IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR REGRETFUL: It's possible that your wife has fulfilled all of your needs for companionship during your marriage -- and/or you may not be a particularly social animal. Please don't waste your time looking backward and feeling bad about what you "should" have done but didn't. So many advances have been made in the treatment of cancer; your wife could survive to spend many more happy years with you.
If your fear is that, in the event of your wife's death, you will face a bleak and solitary future, please realize that eligible widowers in your age bracket are highly desirable. Rather than worrying about being socially isolated, worry more about holding the "casserole brigade" at bay until you're far enough along in the grieving process that you don't get involved too quickly.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced woman with two grown children. My daughter is 24; my son is 19. I am a professional firefighter and in excellent shape. I recently met a man at the gym, and we were mutually attracted. He's a firefighter in a nearby city, and we have mutual friends. There has been some discussion about going on a date, but so far nothing has transpired.
The problem, as my daughter sees it, is that he's 16 years younger than I am and one year older than she is. She's upset by the age difference and says it is "disturbing." My fiance died suddenly two years ago, and I have only recently begun dating again. I asked her to be happy for me. She responded that she thinks it's great that I'm pretty enough and in good enough shape to attract a 25-year-old, but it's "not right."
I love my daughter, but I don't want to live my life to make her happy anymore. She's an adult. Neither of my kids lives at home. I see them about once a month or so.
My daughter has discussed this with her friends, who all side with her. Because I work with men, I threw the ball into their court. They all said, "Great! Go for it!"
Why can't my daughter be happy for me? She would rather I date someone in his 40s -- and I would, if I met someone who showed any interest.
My profession is a difficult one for the average man to accept. They don't like the fact that I spend so much time around other men. I feel as though my daughter is turning this latest dating interest into something lewd and tawdry when it is far from it. What should I do? -- TINA IN TEXAS
DEAR TINA: Understand that your daughter may feel threatened because you are drawing from the same dating pool that she's fishing in. Then decide that if that man finally asks you out, you're going to live your own life and keep it private. From my perspective, too much conversation has already occurred. You have been put on the defensive, but you don't owe anyone an apology.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)