What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Apartment Seeker Ends Up in Married Landlord's Bed
DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle-aged man who has been married for 20 years. I own a duplex in a nice neighborhood. Last week, I put an ad in the paper and a 21-year-old woman came to look at the upstairs apartment. The problem is, I found her attractive and had sex with her downstairs while my wife was not home.
What should I do? -- COULDN'T HELP MYSELF IN NEW YORK
DEAR COULDN'T HELP YOURSELF: While you were checking the woman out, did you also check her references? If the answer is no, you should hasten to your doctor to be checked for every STD known to man and woman, because you not only had unprotected sex with a stranger, but with one who would ALSO have sex with a stranger.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Larry," has lost his driver's license until the case can go to court. However, he still continues to drive. Larry's wife doesn't want a confrontation with him, but she is worried that if he should get into an accident, he could be arrested. We're all concerned because with his license suspended, his insurance might not cover any accident or ensuing lawsuit, and his family could be bankrupt.
What should his wife do? Hide the keys? Call the police? -- WORRIED MOM, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR WORRIED MOM: You have every right to be concerned, and so does Larry's wife. For an adult, your son's behavior is immature and shows extremely poor judgment.
It's too bad that your daughter-in-law is afraid of a confrontation because that is what it may take. You ask if she should hide the keys or call the police. I have another suggestion. If necessary, she should give your son's keys to YOU, to be returned only after his case has been adjudicated.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived in my condo for three years. My across-the-hall neighbors moved in two years ago. To welcome them, I left a bottle of wine, some bread and a floral arrangement outside their door. I received a gracious thank-you note in return. Since then, we have talked in the hall, but socialized only rarely because I travel frequently for business.
I recently married a phenomenal man. He also travels extensively, so he has rarely seen our neighbors. When he moved his belongings into our condo, the neighbors popped over with a bottle of wine (they have a cellar) and a fruit basket. We thanked them profusely, but I handed the bottle of wine back, stating, "We don't drink, but maybe you could open it and think of us when you do."
What I didn't mention to the neighbors is the fact that my husband is a recovering alcoholic, 15 years and counting. Again, thanks were offered and I wrote a thank-you card that very night. While I was writing the card, my husband gently intimated that I may have committed a faux pas by returning the wine. He thinks we should have accepted it to be hospitable, then re-gifted it to someone else. What do you think? -- NO OFFENSE INTENDED IN N.Y.
DEAR NO OFFENSE INTENDED: What's done is done, so don't flog yourself. However, once a gift is received, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she wishes. And the "proper" thing to have done would have been to thank them warmly for their thoughtfulness -- and then re-gifted it to someone else.
Public Hero Is Private Abuser of New Wife Who Loves Him
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," sometimes hits me and calls me names. It hurts me because he's my life, and I love him to death. When I try to tell friends about it, they don't believe me because Rick is a firefighter. They all say, "I don't think he's like that," and when I tell them he IS like that, they get mad at me.
Rick and I haven't been married long. I love him with all my heart and don't want to leave him, but I just don't know what I should do. Please help me. I am all alone in this, and I need some help. -- WOUNDED IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR WOUNDED: There is a name for people -- male and female -- who hit their spouses and call them names. It's ABUSER.
I don't know whether Rick has no conscience or no control. But what you must do, for your own safety, is pick up the phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is: (800) 799-7233.
I promise you that once you begin talking, the person on the other end of the line will believe you and will give you a referral to the help you so desperately need. Please do it now, before Rick really injures you, because it's only a matter of time until he does.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 61-year-old man who has been faithful in his 35-year marriage. But I am very unhappy because I am continually hounded by my wife about previous mistakes I have committed. The incidents involved alcohol and smoking, and occurred many years ago. She has never forgiven me and brings up the subject frequently.
My wife has withdrawn sex from me for 20 years because of her jealousy about my love for my mother. (Mom died in 1994.)
I am so alone, but my wife will not seek counseling. If someone would just hug me. I feel like I'm huddled in a corner and ... FREEZING TO DEATH IN KANSAS
DEAR FREEZING TO DEATH: A sentence should fit the crime, and after 35 years you have been punished enough. Because your wife refuses to seek counseling to heal this fractured marriage doesn't mean that you shouldn't talk to a counselor. It's something you should have done years ago.
If you are reluctant to do it for yourself, then do it for your wife. You're not the only partner in this relationship who is huddled in a corner freezing. So is she, even if it's by her own choice.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old college student. My problem is, I have no credit. My family was always adamant about my not getting a credit card because they were afraid I'd go overboard. However, I'm always careful with my money.
My worry now is that I won't be able to buy a home in the future because I won't be able to get a loan due to lack of credit. How does a person go about getting credit? -- CREDITLESS IN THE USA
DEAR CREDITLESS: Do you have a bank account? If so, contact your bank and inquire about applying for a credit card. In the beginning, your credit limit will be low. However, as you pay your bills on time, your credit limit will rise. This is how a person establishes credit.
If you have full-time employment, do not default on your bills and deposit money into your savings account on a regular basis, in time I am sure your bank will be willing to help you finance a home.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Says Husband Is All Wet When It Comes to Apologies
DEAR ABBY: My husband believes an apology is required only if the action requiring one is intentional. For example, if my husband opens the windows and then turns on the sprinklers, allowing water into the living room, he thinks he doesn't need to apologize for causing the ensuing mess because he didn't do it intentionally.
I believe an apology is necessary, not just for an accident, but for anything that causes inconvenience to another person.
What are your thoughts? -- IRRITATED IN IRVING, TEXAS
DEAR IRRITATED: It seems you have married someone who's a little rough around the edges. If your husband opens a window, turns on the sprinklers and causes your drapes, furniture or carpet to become wet, he owes you an apology for the inconvenience he caused. To do otherwise implies an insensitivity to your feelings. My question would be, Is your husband also this way when it comes to other things?
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old woman. In the past, many men have cheated on me. I have been dating a wonderful man for three years now. Things would be great if I didn't always worry about him possibly cheating, too. When I can't find him, I panic. I always think the worst, then I wind up confronting him and upsetting him.
I can't seem to get past the feeling that one day he will also be unfaithful. I wish I could trust him, but I'm afraid to be made a fool of again.
Is being with this man hopeless? -- ALWAYS SUSPICIOUS, JAMAICA, N.Y.
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Your problem is less that you feel you can't trust your boyfriend than that you can't trust your own judgment. As the 49ers learned more than a century ago, you have to sift through a lot of gravel before you find a gold nugget, and it's the same with dating.
You appear to have finally picked a winner. Please give him the benefit of the doubt before your insecurities cause you to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter will be 16 in a few weeks. My problem is I can't seem to let her go anywhere unless an adult is present. It's not that I don't trust her, because I do. It's her friends. I love my daughter very much and wish I could trust her to make the right choice, but a friend could cause her to make the wrong one.
I think I am too strict with her, and I need to give her some running room, but I'm scared to. She's a good kid and makes good grades. What should I do? -- CAN'T LET GO, RIPLEY, MISS.
DEAR CAN'T: Part of being a conscientious parent is learning to let go. Recognize that in two years, your daughter will be 18 and legally an adult. Because she has shown responsible behavior, allow her doses of freedom in baby steps that will give both of you time to adjust to it.
Birds of a feather usually flock together, so unless you have specific reasons for being worried about the company she keeps, recognize that it's time to permit your daughter to use the good judgment you have taught her and allow her some freedom.
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