To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife's Flagging Libido May Be Caused by Inattentive Husband
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Considering It in San Mateo" (Nov. 26), who asked you if it was permissible to have an affair because his wife of 34 years no longer wanted to have sex, was good, but you missed a couple of important points.
How is that man's hygiene? Does he bathe every day? Is he kind, loving and considerate of his wife during the day? Are her hormones imbalanced? Is she depressed or anemic?
Before "Considering It" goes jumping at another opportunity, he might want to consider showing affection and concern to the woman who has been with him for so long. -- BETSY IN HOUSTON
DEAR BETSY: Some readers scolded me for my response to that letter, not realizing that part of my reply was tongue-in-cheek. (No, I do NOT advocate adultery.) Others felt I didn't go far enough in my reply. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Has "Considering It" done anything to ensure that his wife is well both physically and mentally? Could her lack of interest in sex be linked to depression, post-menopausal hormone imbalance or another physical condition?
In a loving way he should urge her to see her physician and her gynecologist. If she refuses, he should contact them and ask for advice or help. He should also take a long, hard look at how he presents himself.
Finally, he might speak with a counselor, because lack of sexual activity can signal problems elsewhere in their relationship. Marriages take work -- even those that have lasted 34 years. -- SUSAN IN NEW WINDSOR, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I am a nurse-practitioner, and for years I have heard women in their 40s and 50s complain about loss of libido. In our area, a group of gynecologists has begun offering bioidentical hormone replacement. This term refers to hormones that are exactly the same in structure and function as those produced by the human body.
My husband had also quoted the article regarding "having regular sex would improve your health." Do these men really think we are happy with symptoms like hot flashes, fatigue, weight gain, etc.? When I started experiencing symptoms similar to your reader's wife, I decided to see for myself. It has been several months since I started bioidentical hormone treatment, and things have improved considerably. -- SMILING IN MIDDLETOWN, DEL.
DEAR ABBY: The writer's wife may have a medical condition such as high cholesterol or high blood pressure, requiring medication that decreases libido. She could be depressed, which affects interest in sex. Menopause can also cause significantly reduced sex drive. Some hormone replacement medicines may help with this. These conditions can be evaluated and treated by her doctor or OB/GYN.
The man should also evaluate the way he treats his wife. Men often remind their wives that they desire sex, but forget that women need romance and stimulation. Perhaps he should try a different approach?
Before stepping out of the marriage, with or without her permission, he should consider these possibilities. Infidelity is destructive for the family and personal psyche. -- NURSE-PRACTITIONER, NEWBERRY, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: There are some great medications on the market for women with low or no libido. My husband suggested it to me -- very nicely -- and I promised to check it out. I did, and, oh my goodness, we're acting like teenagers again! -- ONE HOT OLD LADY, AND I DON'T MEAN HOT FLASHES, GLENDALE, ARIZ.
Young Stay at Home Mother's Fuse Gets Shorter Every Day
DEAR ABBY: I have four beautiful children. I have tried to raise them to appreciate the importance of family and understand that love is the most important thing of all.
My problem is my youngest daughter, "Samantha," who is 24. She's divorced with two boys, ages 5 and 15 months. She lives at home with me and my husband, which is not an issue. What does bother me is that she flies off the handle and yells and screams about anything and everything. She doesn't get that trait from me. She learned it from her father.
I know my daughter loves her children, but she is showing less and less patience with them. I have tried to help her overcome this problem, but so far nothing has worked. She is hollering more than ever. I think she functions better when she is working full time, rather than being a stay-at-home mom.
My husband and I worry about Samantha and the kids, but we would also like to have more harmony, peace and quiet around here. I realize that counseling might help her, but we can't afford it. Have you any other options? -- NEVADA MOM AND GRANDMA
DEAR NEVADA MOM: While it may be unrealistic for you to expect peace and quiet in a household with two active boys under the age of 6, your daughter is only fueling the fire by losing control and yelling and screaming.
Children learn by example, and my concern is that she may be perpetuating the same destructive habits she learned from her father and teaching her sons unacceptable behavior.
Your daughter may be frustrated because she feels trapped in her role as a stay-at-home mother and could possibly benefit by allowing herself some time for herself. As I say in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," "Having one's freedom of movement restricted, or feeling 'tied down,' often makes one angry." The first step in dealing with one's anger is to recognize that you are getting angry BEFORE you lose control and express the anger inappropriately.
My anger booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. If your daughter is willing to read my booklet, it should give her some helpful insight into the cause of her anger and some tools for coping with it.
DEAR ABBY: We are throwing our dad a surprise party for his 60th birthday. Instead of gifts for our dad, my sisters and I would like to have the gifts go to charity. How would we word that on the invitations? -- MARGARET IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR MARGARET: Include in the invitation a note that says: "The gift of your presence will be present enough for Dad. However, if you feel you must give something, then a donation to ( ) in his honor would be appreciated."
Woman Can't Contain Her Rage at Breakup With Her Boyfriend
DEAR ABBY: To be honest with you, if I had a gun, I could shoot either myself or my ex-boyfriend. I was in love with him from the first day we met. We talked about everything in life and also about our relationship. Now he says he's "not ready" for a relationship!
I don't understand men. Don't they know that we have hearts? How could he just wake up one morning and make a decision without considering my feelings or how it will affect me?
Abby, I have a child, and my breasts are not that attractive. I even told him I would go under the knife to make them just the way he wants them. Now I'm left wondering if I should still go for the surgery so maybe he'll be attracted to me again and come back. I can't bear the idea that maybe he has found someone else who is more attractive.
I need your help because sometimes I feel so much hate for him that I feel like getting revenge and doing something to him so no woman will ever be attracted to him anymore, and he'll feel what I'm feeling now. I will wait upon your answer so I'll know what to do next. -- RAGING IN DUBAI
DEAR RAGING: The first thing you must do is calm yourself. Do nothing until your anger subsides and you are again thinking clearly -- which you aren't right now.
I know you are hurting, and your disappointment and anger are palpable, but you have something far more important to consider than "getting revenge," and that is the welfare of your child. How would your actions affect your child?
A man who would criticize your breasts was not truly interested in you -- the person attached to them. Having plastic surgery in the hope that a man who rejected you will return is the wrong reason for having it done. You could have breasts like the Venus de Milo, and it wouldn't win the heart of a man who simply craves variety.
I am not familiar with the mental health services that are available in Dubai. If you lived in the United States, I would urge you to talk to a psychologist because I feel strongly that you have underlying issues that predate the experience you have described in your letter. If that is not possible, then please talk to some older women you can trust so they can share their wisdom with you. You are in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law lives alone, but comes to our house every day to eat lunch and dinner. She has a son who lives in the same town as my wife and me, but she never goes to his house.
My wife doesn't like this arrangement either, but she doesn't know how to tactfully tell her mother to stay away once in a while. We're both in our late 40s; her mother is 82. We would like to spend some time alone.
When I say my mother-in-law is here every day, I mean EVERY DAY! Please tell me if this is normal, and how we can tell her we need some alone time. -- PAUL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR PAUL: No, it is not "normal." You have described a woman who appears to be isolated and friendless. Could she also have money problems or a physical disability that prevents her from shopping and preparing her own meals?
If you and your wife would like some time alone, then you both are going to have to find the backbone to say so. And, if necessary, you or your wife should prepare a dish that her mother can eat in her own home.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)