For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Professes Love for Woman His Friends Say Not to Marry
DEAR ABBY: I'll be brief. I am in love with a woman who has multiple personality disorder. My friends tell me I'm a fool for falling in love with such a woman.
I love her with all my heart and soul. I know I have a lot to handle, but my love for her is strong, and I know we can prevail. What do you think? -- TRUE LOVE TEXAN
DEAR TEXAN: I'll be brief. I think you had better be absolutely certain that you love every facet of her splintered personality before any or all of you make a lifelong commitment.
DEAR ABBY: Have I committed a social error? The 97-year-old mother of an in-law of ours died recently. The family asked that memorials be sent to the local hospice in her memory. I sent a sizable check, but because we loved her like our own mother, I wanted also to send flowers.
I went to our florist and personally selected a beautiful vase that I thought the daughter could keep, and had it filled with flowers.
After the funeral service, as I walked by the casket, the daughter said to me, "Mother wanted memorials made to hospice." (Right! "Mother" was so out of it for several months that she didn't even know she was under hospice care.)
I spent a lot of money on that funeral and don't regret it. But why did the daughter make me feel so bad? She lashed out at me for doing something out of love for her and her mother. When we left the church the flowers were sitting there with our card still attached. Obviously, they didn't want them or the vase, so I brought them home to enjoy and will give the vase to one of my daughters.
Should I say anything, or should I consider the source? -- DONNA IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR DONNA: You should consider the circumstances. People who are grieving are not usually at their best or most gracious. The daughter may have been under the impression that the family's wishes had been ignored, and you had sent flowers instead of donating to the group that had helped and supported them and their mother during that critical time.
If the daughter hasn't already been notified about your generous gift (most organizations do inform the family of the deceased about donations received in their loved one's memory), I see nothing wrong with straightening out the misunderstanding. But do it gently and without anger.
DEAR ABBY: I recently let a friend borrow a bracelet of mine. I left it at her house and asked that she return it the next time we saw each other. That was Sunday morning, and I even called ahead of time to make sure she remembered. When we met, she told me she had forgotten to bring it.
A few days later I was at her house again. When she gave me the bracelet, it had been completely destroyed by her cat. She apologized and said she'd replace it. I said it was OK, and then asked if she would really buy me a new one. "No," she replied, "my cat did it, not me." I decided not to push the issue. The bracelet wasn't too expensive, but I feel I deserve some sort of payment because the cat didn't know any better. What should I do? -- AT A LOSS IN MINNESOTA
DEAR AT A LOSS: The bracelet may not have been "too expensive," but chalk this up as a valuable lesson. Your "friend" is irresponsible and not entirely truthful. Unless you're willing to risk losing what you lend her, refrain from making that mistake again.
Both Mother and Daughter Are Grieving for Their Dads
DEAR ABBY: I feel like I'm all alone. My daughter's father was recently murdered, and I can't seem to get over it. Even though we hadn't been close for months before his passing, he was all I have known since I was 13. I'm trying to move on, but it's so hard.
I don't know how to help my daughter with her issues because I'm still grieving for my own father, who was killed in Baghdad several years ago.
Am I a bad mother for not talking to her enough about it? Frankly, I try to avoid the subject every chance I get. But it's eating me up inside, and I can't stop crying.
How will I ever move on to another relationship when I can't even get past the last one? How can I help my child when I feel like I can't even help myself? -- DESPERATE FOR HELP IN NEW YORK
DEAR DESPERATE FOR HELP: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the double loss in your life -- the death of your father and the tragedy that befell your daughter's father. If you are going to heal yourself and your girl, it is imperative that you find help for both of you. She needs to talk about her feelings so she can deal with them -- and so do you. Avoiding the subject, painful as it is, doesn't work, as you are finding out.
I recommend that you find a grief-support group for you and for your daughter, a safe place in which to share your feelings of loss, pain and possibly anger. An excellent place to start would be to ask your clergyperson. Please don't put it off because help is available.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 and my boyfriend, "Dave," is 32. I love him dearly. He's my best friend, and I know we cherish each other, but I always feel like I'm No. 2, 3 or 4 in his life.
Dave has a 4-year-old son and is occupied with the boy three nights a week. On those nights I am not welcome. There are no phone calls, and I feel alienated and lonely. Also, he stays in a job he claims he hates because he can't afford to miss one payment to his estranged wife.
Dave refuses to get a divorce because it's expensive, and he is afraid that she will abuse him financially. Yet he gives her extra money on a regular basis despite his 50/50 custody (at present), and he's often broke because of some demand or another she had made. She has a great job as a nurse, but I know very little about her situation so I can't judge her.
I am frustrated. When I try to discuss it, Dave tells me he's sorry, "things will change" and eventually I'll be able to share his life with him and his son. But it's been more than a year, and nothing has changed. Should I hold on? This is driving me crazy. -- LOSING PATIENCE IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR LOSING PATIENCE: Your boyfriend appears to be a conscientious parent, but he is married and not available for what you want. He may be satisfied with the status quo, which is why he has made no move to divorce or to further include you.
Dave is not your "best friend." Best friends discuss their problems and work out compromises. Please consider moving on, because if you allow this situation to drag on another year or two or three -- and I suspect it will -- you'd have to be crazy.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Feels Guilt After Hiding Truth of Teacher's Molestation
DEAR ABBY: I am ashamed and angry at myself because I think I have made a mistake that is impossible to correct.
Two detectives came to my home about two years ago to ask me about a teacher I'd had in high school. He was being investigated for molesting boys. I told them, my wife and my parents that nothing had happened to me. In fact, he had molested me for more than two years. He was charged with molesting some boys and taking pictures of them performing sexual acts, but I learned recently that those charges were dropped because of some legal technicality.
One of my friends from high school nearly committed suicide because of what this man did. I feel awful about having lied, and now this man is free to do it to others.
Abby, that teacher took pictures and made movies of me. That's how he made me do things with him. He told me if I didn't, he'd send them to my parents and my friends.
The guilt is killing me. Please tell me what you would do in my situation. Please do not reveal my name or location. -- DIDN'T TELL THE TRUTH
DEAR DIDN'T TELL: There may be a way to correct your mistake. If more men step forward and reveal how this predator molested and blackmailed them, other charges could be filed. Of course, this will require honesty and courage from you and more of his other victims.
Here is what I'd do: I would ask my doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist who specializes in victims of sexual abuse. Then I would contact the district attorney, give an honest statement, and have that office help you locate your classmate who "almost committed suicide" to see if he will finally reveal what happened. It was not his fault, and perhaps knowing that may help him come forward. The crimes that were committed against you both are appalling, and the perpetrator belongs behind bars.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old guy in high school. Two of my best friends have started smoking pot before school every morning. They have asked me to join them and "do it just once." I have tried over and over to get them to stop. They say things like, "It's the best feeling in the world," and "It doesn't hurt you at all."
I know for a fact that what they're saying isn't true. But I don't want to lose them as friends. What should I do? -- JUST SAYING NO IN MONTROSE, COLO.
DEAR SAYING NO: I have news for your friends. Smoking pot may seem like it's the "best feeling in the world," and "it won't hurt them at all," but walking into class stoned can be fatal when it comes to paying attention, retaining information and earning passing grades.
Smoking marijuana on a daily basis is the definition of addiction. If used frequently, it has been known to cause users to lose their initiative. ("Why bother to try?") Not only should you not join them, you should quietly inform a responsible adult about what's going on. What your friends are doing is illegal, and their "harmless habit" could prevent them from earning a high school diploma.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19, going on 20. My boyfriend, "Alex," is 28. We have been together for about two years and are completely happy together.
The only problem is Alex says he never wants to get married or have kids -- ever. I have never pushed the issue, and I don't plan on marriage or kids for a long time. But am I wasting my time going with someone who doesn't want the same things as I do in the end? -- CONFUSED IN OHIO
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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