What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Both Mother and Daughter Are Grieving for Their Dads
DEAR ABBY: I feel like I'm all alone. My daughter's father was recently murdered, and I can't seem to get over it. Even though we hadn't been close for months before his passing, he was all I have known since I was 13. I'm trying to move on, but it's so hard.
I don't know how to help my daughter with her issues because I'm still grieving for my own father, who was killed in Baghdad several years ago.
Am I a bad mother for not talking to her enough about it? Frankly, I try to avoid the subject every chance I get. But it's eating me up inside, and I can't stop crying.
How will I ever move on to another relationship when I can't even get past the last one? How can I help my child when I feel like I can't even help myself? -- DESPERATE FOR HELP IN NEW YORK
DEAR DESPERATE FOR HELP: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the double loss in your life -- the death of your father and the tragedy that befell your daughter's father. If you are going to heal yourself and your girl, it is imperative that you find help for both of you. She needs to talk about her feelings so she can deal with them -- and so do you. Avoiding the subject, painful as it is, doesn't work, as you are finding out.
I recommend that you find a grief-support group for you and for your daughter, a safe place in which to share your feelings of loss, pain and possibly anger. An excellent place to start would be to ask your clergyperson. Please don't put it off because help is available.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 and my boyfriend, "Dave," is 32. I love him dearly. He's my best friend, and I know we cherish each other, but I always feel like I'm No. 2, 3 or 4 in his life.
Dave has a 4-year-old son and is occupied with the boy three nights a week. On those nights I am not welcome. There are no phone calls, and I feel alienated and lonely. Also, he stays in a job he claims he hates because he can't afford to miss one payment to his estranged wife.
Dave refuses to get a divorce because it's expensive, and he is afraid that she will abuse him financially. Yet he gives her extra money on a regular basis despite his 50/50 custody (at present), and he's often broke because of some demand or another she had made. She has a great job as a nurse, but I know very little about her situation so I can't judge her.
I am frustrated. When I try to discuss it, Dave tells me he's sorry, "things will change" and eventually I'll be able to share his life with him and his son. But it's been more than a year, and nothing has changed. Should I hold on? This is driving me crazy. -- LOSING PATIENCE IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR LOSING PATIENCE: Your boyfriend appears to be a conscientious parent, but he is married and not available for what you want. He may be satisfied with the status quo, which is why he has made no move to divorce or to further include you.
Dave is not your "best friend." Best friends discuss their problems and work out compromises. Please consider moving on, because if you allow this situation to drag on another year or two or three -- and I suspect it will -- you'd have to be crazy.
Man Feels Guilt After Hiding Truth of Teacher's Molestation
DEAR ABBY: I am ashamed and angry at myself because I think I have made a mistake that is impossible to correct.
Two detectives came to my home about two years ago to ask me about a teacher I'd had in high school. He was being investigated for molesting boys. I told them, my wife and my parents that nothing had happened to me. In fact, he had molested me for more than two years. He was charged with molesting some boys and taking pictures of them performing sexual acts, but I learned recently that those charges were dropped because of some legal technicality.
One of my friends from high school nearly committed suicide because of what this man did. I feel awful about having lied, and now this man is free to do it to others.
Abby, that teacher took pictures and made movies of me. That's how he made me do things with him. He told me if I didn't, he'd send them to my parents and my friends.
The guilt is killing me. Please tell me what you would do in my situation. Please do not reveal my name or location. -- DIDN'T TELL THE TRUTH
DEAR DIDN'T TELL: There may be a way to correct your mistake. If more men step forward and reveal how this predator molested and blackmailed them, other charges could be filed. Of course, this will require honesty and courage from you and more of his other victims.
Here is what I'd do: I would ask my doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist who specializes in victims of sexual abuse. Then I would contact the district attorney, give an honest statement, and have that office help you locate your classmate who "almost committed suicide" to see if he will finally reveal what happened. It was not his fault, and perhaps knowing that may help him come forward. The crimes that were committed against you both are appalling, and the perpetrator belongs behind bars.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old guy in high school. Two of my best friends have started smoking pot before school every morning. They have asked me to join them and "do it just once." I have tried over and over to get them to stop. They say things like, "It's the best feeling in the world," and "It doesn't hurt you at all."
I know for a fact that what they're saying isn't true. But I don't want to lose them as friends. What should I do? -- JUST SAYING NO IN MONTROSE, COLO.
DEAR SAYING NO: I have news for your friends. Smoking pot may seem like it's the "best feeling in the world," and "it won't hurt them at all," but walking into class stoned can be fatal when it comes to paying attention, retaining information and earning passing grades.
Smoking marijuana on a daily basis is the definition of addiction. If used frequently, it has been known to cause users to lose their initiative. ("Why bother to try?") Not only should you not join them, you should quietly inform a responsible adult about what's going on. What your friends are doing is illegal, and their "harmless habit" could prevent them from earning a high school diploma.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19, going on 20. My boyfriend, "Alex," is 28. We have been together for about two years and are completely happy together.
The only problem is Alex says he never wants to get married or have kids -- ever. I have never pushed the issue, and I don't plan on marriage or kids for a long time. But am I wasting my time going with someone who doesn't want the same things as I do in the end? -- CONFUSED IN OHIO
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes.
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Adopted Daughter Still Resents Exclusion From Family Photos
DEAR ABBY: Please advise "Has Issues in New Hampshire" (Dec. 5) to speak up now. My husband and I were married when my daughter was 8. He adopted her, but even after that, when his family took photographs, she was excluded. She's now 29 and still remembers those hurtful occasions when she was not included.
Ironically, the sister who did it every year is now married and has an adopted son, so things have changed. But I deeply regret not saying something years ago because it affected the way my daughter feels about her aunt. -- WISER NOW, FARWELL, MICH.
DEAR WISER NOW: While most readers agreed that what the unofficial family photographer did was wrong, in fairness, not everyone did. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I see nothing wrong with taking photos of various family groups. Both my family and my husband's do it. We take pictures of everyone -- just the siblings; the parents and children; the parents, children and spouses; all the grandchildren; etc. "Marian" took pictures that included all the children, so stop whining. -- NINE IN PLEASANT GAP, PA.
DEAR ABBY: "Marian" is the one who should be excluded, for her stupidity. Our family is comprised of several blended families. We never use the words "step" or "half" -- ever. It is always "my sister," "my brother," "my mother," "my father."
When a sister died suddenly at 47, we all grieved. When another was brutally murdered at 41, we all grieved. Both times, all the sisters approached to place a rose into the casket to honor our beloved sibling. Each time I turned around I saw my beloved "blended" family grieving as one.
My advice to "Marian" would be to buy a camera with a really wide-angle lens and leave nobody out. -- ELIZABETH IN WOODVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the stepmom who insists on taking a yearly photograph of "blood" family members only made me chuckle.
Years ago, when our daughter was 6 weeks old (her brother was almost 2), we made the four-hour drive to attend my husband's family reunion. The baby screamed the whole last half-hour of the ride. I nursed her as soon as we arrived and handed her off to a cousin so I could eat.
Before I could finish, we were "summoned" to the back yard, where several aunts were taking family pictures. I decided they would just have to do without our sleeping daughter. My husband and I posed with our son, but before we could get away, the cousin ratted us out. The baby, now screaming again, was presented to be added to the picture. The ladies were annoyed that they'd "wasted a shot," but aimed their cameras again.
Afterward, I looked down and was horrified to see our son had been picking his nose. So our branch of the family was recorded with a screaming infant, a daughter-in-law who was angry enough to chew broken glass, and a 2-year-old with both index fingers buried in his nose. -- DEL IN MOBILE, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: Out of my parents' six grandchildren, only two are biological; however, my parents make no distinction. "Marian" needs to be reminded that family is family. As far as our family is concerned, the "bonus children" are just as much "Calhouns" as the other grandkids. One of my favorite quotes is by Goldie Nash, who said, "Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood." -- BRENDA Z., STAUNTON, VA.
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