To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Husband's Anniversary Wish Is to Give Wife a Real Wedding
DEAR ABBY: Our 40th wedding anniversary will soon be here, and my wife, "Nancy," and I are considering renewing our vows. We were married when I was in the service during the Vietnam War, so we had only a rushed ceremony with a justice of the peace.
I would like a full-blown wedding for my dear wife. I picture Nancy walking down the aisle wearing her white gown, looking as beautiful as the day we were first married. My children, now adults, think this is unnecessary and a waste of money. (We don't have much -- we're on Social Security.)
I think my wife deserves the wedding she never had. Nancy has been through so much stress with all the surgeries I've had. I feel the love of my life and mother of my children deserves the wedding she was dreaming of. What do you think? -- STEVE W. IN PHOENIX
DEAR STEVE: Frankly, I think what you're considering is a beautiful gesture, but you have already given your wife the kind of MARRIAGE most women dream of -- a lifetime with a husband who demonstrates his caring and devotion. If you can afford the kind of renewal of vows you're considering and Nancy can still fit into that dress, then go for it. However, under no circumstances should you spend more than you can afford.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Julie's" 13-year-old daughter, "Marci," used to be a little overweight, but she has recently lost most of the extra pounds. Julie keeps telling Marci how great she looks "now." (I never heard her tell her daughter that she looked great when she was heavier.) I compliment Marci by telling her she looks terrific, but that I always thought she was beautiful -- no matter what her weight was.
In this day and age of eating disorders in young girls, what is the proper way to offer a compliment when a teenage girl loses weight so that she won't go overboard from suddenly hearing a lot of praise? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN DEERFIELD, MASS.
DEAR CONCERNED: Your way. To do otherwise could cause a girl to develop an eating disorder, if she doesn't already have one. You should also compliment her on her other good qualities because it's important that young women feel valued for more than the number on their bathroom scale or their dress size.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a middle-aged woman, dating a man my age. "Jack" and I are in the entertainment industry. (I'm a dance instructor, and he's a musician.)
When I have a cold, Jack refuses to see me until I am completely over it. He says he doesn't want to get sick. It has been a week since I've seen him. How does this strike you in terms of commitment, marriage, living together, being together as a couple?
I understand that Jack doesn't want to catch my cold, but we're a couple! It feels very weird to me, as though I'm not important to him. What's your take on this? -- IN QUARANTINE IN MORRO BAY
DEAR IN QUARANTINE: If Jack plays a wind instrument, a cold could affect his ability to work. Another possibility might be that colds may hit him harder and last longer than they do you. Your boyfriend could also be germ-phobic or commitment-phobic.
I wish I could give you a conclusive answer, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait until you're no longer contagious, then "catch" it from Jack.
Unhappy Wife Laments Lack of Affection in Her Marriage
DEAR ABBY: "Wilbur" and I have been together for 25 years, married for nine. During that time we have been through almost everything.
Abby, I am disappointed in the man Wilbur has turned out to be. He does nothing around the house. He does hold a job, but that's the beginning and the end of it. On top of that, Wilbur shows me no affection. He doesn't hug or kiss me, and he sleeps with a pillow between us. I realize he was never very lovey-dovey, but now there is no affection at all.
I dream about being close to a man, having a companion with whom to enjoy things in life -- simple things like going for coffee together after walking through a flea market holding hands.
Our lives have been intertwined for a quarter of a century. I feel there's nowhere for me to go. How does someone in my situation find happiness? -- DISILLUSIONED IN MILFORD, CONN.
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You and Wilbur may have been together for 25 years, but it appears you parted ways a long time ago. In order for there to be sex and affection, there has to be some sort of intimacy -- and by that, I mean communication.
I suggest you begin by asking Wilbur what has happened to your relationship. If he's willing to talk, with the help of a marriage counselor you may be able to fix what has gone wrong. I can't promise you passion, but at least you won't be acting like cellmates.
If Wilbur is unwilling to cooperate, then the time has come to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Are you better off with him or without him? If you decide to stick it out because you "have nowhere to go," you may have to do a lot of sublimating. Spend as much time as you can with people (or animals) that will return the warmth you crave.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mom with four kids. My oldest son is dating a sweet girl I'll call "Renee." The problem is she's always at my house. She's here when I return from work in the evenings and every weekend.
While I don't mind Renee's presence, I am finding it difficult to constantly feed her. I can no longer take my children out to eat without offering to include her, and she always accepts. When I grocery shop, I am now shopping for five kids instead of just my four.
How do I handle this without hurt feelings? Renee's family has very little money, and sometimes there's not much food in their house. Frankly, I feel sorry for her, but I'm struggling to feed my own kids on my salary. I know the lack of food at Renee's house isn't my problem, and I feel horrible for thinking the way I do. Please help. -- STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STRETCHED: Talk to your son, specifically about your budget. It will then be up to him to set some limits with his girlfriend. Frankly, the fact that the two of them are together every night and every weekend concerns me, because too much alone time could lead to yet another mouth to feed.
Because food is a problem at Renee's house, it would be a kindness to speak to Renee's mother about seeking aid for dependent children to be sure they have adequate nutrition. The place for her to start would be the county department of social services to see if they qualify.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Dirty Secret Is Cause for Concern About Her Health
DEAR ABBY: I was recently called to come in to work at the grocery story where I am employed because my department manager, "Meg," didn't show up. After I finished the shift, I stopped by Meg's house to check on her. She didn't answer the door. Eventually a neighbor and I were able to enter her home and found her very ill. We called 911, and Meg was taken to the hospital. She's now in the ICU.
Meg is pretty much a loner, and her son lives in another state. In addition to my concern for her health, I was appalled by what I saw when we got inside her home. Abby, the place was filled with trash piled so deep we couldn't tell if there was any furniture. There was only a narrow pathway to her bedroom. A couple of space heaters were on, so I assume the furnace wasn't working. I also learned the police had to shut the water off because of a leak inside the house. It appears Meg was not having things repaired because she is hesitant to let anyone into her place.
It depresses me to know she lives in such deplorable conditions. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else at work about this, even though they, too, are concerned about Meg's illness. I can't imagine her returning to her home in the condition it's in. I'm sure she realizes that I've been in there, and I would imagine she's terribly embarrassed.
What should I say to her when she comes back to work, and what can I do to help her? -- TROUBLED IN COLORADO
DEAR TROUBLED: The living conditions you have described are not only a danger to Meg's health, but also a serious fire hazard. All it would take is for any of the items piled on her floor to come in contact with one of the space heaters, and her place could become an inferno.
One way to help the woman would be to notify the health department and the fire department about the conditions you observed. Also, many hospitals have a social worker on staff, and another way to help Meg would be to quietly inform that person about the circumstances under which Meg was admitted to the hospital.
When she finally returns to work, all you should say is that you're glad she's back. Make no reference to what you saw, and I'm sure she won't either.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 30 years is suffering from a brain tumor and the effects of treatment. Her illness has been ongoing for about eight years, but has become debilitating during the last three.
We have spent most important holidays with -- and traveled with -- some close friends who were also neighbors. Recently, the other two couples made a trip and didn't invite us or discuss the trip with us. I resent the fact that we were not at least consulted. While I understand that we might be a "problem" to travel with, I'm hurt that the trip was planned without any discussion with us and was kept a secret until departure time. Am I being petty? -- HURT IN LILBURN, GA.
DEAR HURT: I don't think so. Your feelings are understandable, particularly because you're coping with so much stress right now.
Your friends may have acted the way they did because they felt guilty about being able to travel while your wife is not. They may also have been afraid that discussing a trip that you and your wife could not manage would be more hurtful than just going. Obviously, they were wrong, but please try to forgive them.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)